help!!!!

Hi
my husband and i split up in may 2010 and we were divorced may this year after 11 years, by chance i met the ex husband of an friend of a friend in sept last year, his wife had left him after 40 years (they met at 15)the previous march. we started seeing each other in october last year, with hindsight way to soon. Lots of emotional upset, very veyr involved with his ex inlaws (almost to a revenge thing, they rarely speak to their daughter/sister now, he has them on his team..his words). His 3 adult children also dont speak to their mother . i have walked to him in the snow at 2am just because he was down, ive supported him, given him space, given him love, built his confidence up but to be honest mine has now buggered off in the direction of lapland
Anyway we finished, we got back, we finished etc. got back went on holiday best time. Came back and he thought people would judge him for not being divorced yet, his children made some not nice comments, he added to them and we yet again finished in july,big row with daughter in law and my daughter as he told me it was her fault etc
Anyone awake?
anyways of course neither of us can let go. hes scared of losing his kids if he says were together, then he has days of sitting in the dark mourning his marriage (so would i i may add if id managed 40 years!), then he has days of only wanting his inlaws company etc
i know how emotional divorce is, ive been there twice, i dont think unless you have been "happily" married for 40 years you can quite appreciate the emotional turmoilsudden divorce causes and, sorry fellow ladies but I think women are emotionally stronger because we are allowed to cry and speak and confide but for a man who has never been emotionally forthcoming to see your wife leave you for a man 10 years younger is a mental turmoil thats hard to appreciate. (that is in no way disparaging the mental turmoil women have, but i think we possibly deal with it better)
do i walk away and leave him to fight his bitterness with the help of his sons and inlaws ( he is spending xmas with his ex in laws, thinking this will hurt his ex, it wont hurt her as hes is in her new house with new man and new tree, it will hurt him as for 4 days he will be reminded of what hes lost)or do i jsut be friends which is the hardest thing ever, or just wait till his poor confused head is clearer.
just as a post ­script­, coming after a woman who has been around for 40 years is so hard, they fell in love instantly at 15, how you ever make a favourable comparison im not sure, time seems to be the answer to all questions but how much do any of us have

so anyone out there still awake, i can give support and wait forever but do i and what about his children

cinders1,

Have you heard of the saying "that's another fine mess we've go ourselves into"? Don't want to sound too doom and gloom but there is way too much baggage being carried around, by both of you by the sounds of it.

You sound like you are a very caring person, but you can not 'fix' someone else's problems, you will only complicate things and not to your best advantage may I add!

Take some time out to clear your own head, it sounds to me as if you deserve better and until this man is willing to invest the time and effort, without need for revenge on his STBX, then you may be better off without him for the moment.

It is a difficult dilemma because you are obviously ready to move on, but from what you have said I think this is not a good time for him, and maybe he is just not on the same page as you. Please do not sell yourself short. Just remember after all you have been through with your own divorce that the best relationship is the one we have with ourselves. Be true to yourself. Be his friend if you still feel the need, but try and not get involved in what sounds as if it is a sketch from a soap opera!

Good luck and take care for now FoS x

I was about to add that I had his best interests totally at heart thankyou FoS, but maybe, against my beliefs I should have my own interests instead.
I have spoken to many people who can understand and go along with the "revenge" thing (is that the correct word?). I personally cant, my husband left me for a prostitute, that surely will be revenge enough!
The man I speak of is a lovely man, mostly but when it all gets to him hes a not so great one, nothing nasty or malicious just not in a good place. I fear he may end up with his ex wifes sister, not through love but some sense of revenge/security with family etc, there will be no love or passion or indeed children who speak to them but I guess its not my problem
Why the hell do we do this to each other? Why is it easier to kick an unfaithful liar into touch than a man whose hurting over someoen else


I give up

cinders1,

I know that you sound like so many of us here on Wiki, that you are a kind and caring individual, who wants to be there for someone else in their time of need. It is so easy for those of us who are ahead of others on this road, to offer help through our own experiences. I know how hard it is, but your friend will eventually take off his rose tinted glasses with his STBX and her family. He sounds like he needs to cut ties in order to start a fresh. This is something that he needs to be able to work out for himself and when he does maybe you both might be ready to start on a new 'joint' venture.

I have a friend, who like myself has been dealing with the after effects of adultery. We have become really good friends and I think that there may be the chance that things could develop in the future. But, for now he still sees his wife as his Achilles heel. I know myself what will be will be and if there comes a time when he has worked through his emotions for his STBX, and things develop between us, then great. We enjoy being friends and helping one another, but for now we are both realistic enough to realise that we do not need to complicate the mix. For now it is nice to be friends and to be there for one another when the going gets tough.

I appreciate you have your friend's interests at heart, but if you are like so many of us here, you have to start being a bit more selfish and do things that make you happy. I know that is often difficult is you are naturally a 'green' person, a giver not a taker!

Take the here and now and try to do other things to fill your time and treat yourself with the dignity and respect that you deserve, whilst letting your friend know that you are there for him if and when the time is right!

Take care for now FoS x

Cinders! We can't predict whether you'll ever get to the ball but we will try to convince you that you deserve to be treated better than this. You know it really don't you?

If he was married for 40 years I'm guessing he's in his 60's now. It's tough to lose someone you've loved for a long time and let's not dismiss the humiliation from being left for a much younger man. It's a lot to cope with - my husband left for a much younger friend of mine. Let's also be realistic about wanting revenge, I think it's natural and human to want them to feel the hurt they've caused you. It does seem a bit of an obsession with him though.

I too want to keep the relationship with the in-laws, as they've been part of my life for such a long time. They were casualties in this episode too. They were my family and your friend must feel that way too.

I feel he's not ready for the kind of relationship you would like yet, if he ever will be. He's still grieving the loss of his long marriage.

You have to protect yourself and may have to accept that it's always going to remain at the level where you enjoy being together but a large part of him remains in his marriage.

Start with self and decide what you want for your future. Ask yourself whether you can live with this 'ghost' always in the background. Tough choices but better to make the break now than be in a relationship and always feel second best.

Hugs!

Mitchum x

I was wondering what part your daughter played in this and how old she was.
It seems to me that's it's pretty easy to sort out.
1.The trouble with self proclaimned "caring" people like yourself is they talk too much.
You seem to have just about every other fecker on the face of the planet involved in your relationship with him.
2.You don't have to go out with him or not there's a third option just date him.
You live in your place he lives in his everyone else and their opinions can feck off out of it.You are company for each other and your friendship ain't involving or requiring uncle tom cobbleys an all opinions.
I'd tell your kid that keep her nose out his kids that, and I'd tell him you have no problem with him seeing all the outlaws but that's his relationship so you'll pick up with him not at them times.
Have your boundaries and limitations.
It's about you.
Not any kids and not him even.
Just concentrate on your relationship with him and both have your other relationships individually outside of that.
All the best
Pete xx

Thanks Mitchum, hes 55 soon, been married 32 years together for 40(well 38.5 when she left i guess)

Anyway in response to young Pete, who says i talk to much, ive asked on here thats all, i havnt got anyone involved, its his family that are involved, ex inlaws (whom he can pop up and see every day if he so wishes, his choice), his children and his childrens partners. I havnt involved them he has. Yes my daughter (21 if any relevence) merely had a row whilst defending me to his daughter in law, she then apologised and has said its none of her business
so i may be a self proclaimed caring person(prob why im in the medical profession) but i havnt got any fecker involved but am seemingly in a situation where every fecker of his is against me.
yes I agree, it should be me and him but he doesnt seeit like taht as hes scared of losing anyone else