How do you tell the kids.. its divorce

We have one daughter who we are so proud of and both love dearly, she is 16. Even writing this i have tears welling up as i am dreading telling her that the separation her mother and I have been going through for 3 months has led to us moving towards a divorce at the wifes request.
ur daughter is one of those... ignore it and it will go away types an she has thrown herself into her school work as she has just started 6th form. Her grades and attitude are fantastic.
Her mother and I are communicating and i visit regularly. As the finances are being sorted out it is getting difficult to remain friendly though.
I visit often though her school work / homework means it is difficult to get quality time with her. They get so much!
I am living a short walk away so am here for her 24/7.
But now we have to sit down and have the difficult chat. Her mum wants a divorce... I dont.. i need help with some of my problems and she needs help with her health. I want to work on things to save our marriage..... But it takes 2.

We thought it is time to sit down and basically tell her it is over and i wont be coming back. (though i truely want to). Which makes me look the villain! Which i am so worried about.

This will be the hardest thing i have ever done in my life as i just want them both back. I dont want to see my daughter blaming me or hating me. She is so so close to her mum.. like sisters. i am worried i will loose a piece of her.

i have been to relate on my own... she wont come. They have suggested bringing my daughter along... but it must be her idea! Not sure but as she wont open up to us??

Any advice very welcome.

Esox11 - I remember agonising over this myself. Every situation is a little different and you must be careful with your timing, not to drop ‘bombshells’ ie the night before AS modules etc of course. But I am guessing that your daughter already has a good idea of what is going on and may even welcome having a chance to discuss with you both exactly what is happening and what the impact may be on her.

When you tell her, I think it’s important to be as honest, yet as ­object­ive as possible. I know that is much, much easier said than done but think it’s important that you try to avoid forcing your daughter to take sides in any way. My STBX and myself talked to our children separately and didn’t discuss what each other had said. But we had agreed living arrangements etc & that we wanted them to continue in their lives / education / work /homes unchanged. For my part, I tried to explain what was happening between us, what I / we wanted to happen for them, if they were happy with this, really concentrating on trying to see the separation/divorce from their perspective and addressing the things which concerned them. I stressed that they could ask me anything – and tried to give them opportunities to talk to me about things, although again you have to find a balance and not seem to be going on and on.

Once I had got over this difficult first conversation, for me - it really was a downhill run and we all talk about everything. From your post I can see that you are a great caring Dad and have no doubt that despite your daughter being very close to your STBX , she also loves you and will want to know that you will be ok and that you will still be an integral part of her life and vice versa. So lots of reassurance / hugs / contact and love has to be the way forward.

Good luck – and don’t forget to take care of yourself as well.
Reg

Nailed it there Reg, great advice.
Whebever i speak to my daughter about it I get emotional though.... maybe a bit raw still as we only separated 3 months ago.

A night at the pictures with her last night and I have realised i allowed her and mum to do their thing and did not get involved as much as i should have previousy - possibly.
She is into the usual teenage girly stuff - boy bands, reality tv and slushy films.... trying to find a balance in something we can both enjoy will be difficult.

I am dreading the sit down... she will cry and i hate seeing her upset.

Thanks for the help.
E

Don't worry about the emotion, crying is actually good, it's a release.
It has to be done, I remember when we did it, my ex was. Going to take the lead, but she just looked at me.
It was heart breaking, although my kids were very young.
All you can do is reassure your daughter you live her always, will always be there and want to see her regular, eventually you will have your own place and make it great for her, allow her to have friends over etc, it will work out, but seems bad now.

Hi,
My daughter was the same age as yours when we split.
I remember coming back from my first solicitors appointment and she asked how it had gone, i told her what had been said and she broke down and said it would cause so much trouble. So i decided to wait till she was able to deal with it.
Six months later i brought up the subject again and said her father was getting on with his new life and i had to start thinking about doing the same and she agreed.
My daughter is like yours and thinks if you ignore it, it will go away but time was what she needed to accept it.

Good luck Nanny

My sons were 16 and 14 when my ex and I had the talk about splitting up. Neither of them wanted to look at us, 16 year old looked at his phone and younger son at his PS2. That was their way of coping at the time. Since then they've not wanted to talk much about it at all.

Everyone reacts differently - and its best not to second=guess or assume how others will react.

I think its important you both tell your daughter together that you are splitting up - don't apportion blame, just explain that you aren't able to live together any more. As you are already separated, your daughter may be a bit prepared for what you will say. Ensure you tell her you both love her and will always be her parents and its not her fault.

Then let her react the way she chooses. She may ask questions, she may want to be left alone, she may want a good cry. She may not know how she feels or how to react.

Let her school know as they will then be alert to any changes in behaviour and they will also be able to support her if necessary.

Great advice re. the school. had not thought of that.

She is a wonderful kid, and although i am biased she is loved by everyone. I just worry i may loose her respect / love etc etc.
It is a horrible situation at the moment as its divide finances time and although i dont want the family home to be effected it may have to be.

Just had the "do you really want this" chat with the wife and there appears no way back. Worse she blames it all on me and an affair she "thinks" i have had but i really havent.
Probably just an excuse for her not being happy etc etc. Have to accept it is OVER! Time to do what is best for me and my daughter now.

Will call the school and try and see who to speak to in this regard. She has not told her friends either.... something else we need to speak about. She gets that from me though as i have not told many of my friends or relatives either... i just feel a failure and dread being judged as such.