Re:Help needed re child

Hello there

I left my husband 11 months and much to my heartbreak my children both decided they were staying with him.

I have a 19 year old who is adamant that she will not see me or talk to me. Because she is now an adult I have had to learn to accept this.

My 14 year initially agreed that she would have a week with me and a week with dad - both my husband and I were happy with this arrangement and agreed that the children needed protecting as much as possible and that we would keep it amicable.

However, this has not been the case. The day I moved out he changed all the locks on our marital home and commenced telling the eldest child all his worries and problems (financial). He then felt it necessary to tell the 14 year old. I have asked him repeatedly to cease this, mainly because it has and is still having a detrimental effect on two fragile relationships and possibly cause serious damage on there futures.

My 14 year stayed with me for the first time in over 11 months over Xmas and it was lovely. However, she is now back to ignoring me - I phoned her last night and had a very curt conversation (one word answers).

I honestly belief that she is being told things that she shouldn't be (I have tried to have a conversation with him about assets etc) which again has put me on the back foot with her.

Can I do anything to stop him and can I do anything through the courts to gain regular access?

I always vowed I would never put her through it but am beginning to wonder if I should to hopefully resort our relationship.

Children make their mind up in much the same way as an adult and balance the pros and cons before coming to their own decision. Teenagers also often prefer a ­base­ and may resist moving from home to home.

A 14 year old is quite capable of making their own rigid moral judgements and rejecting a parent of their own accord. It maybe that they are angry with a parent for leaving, particularly if they left for a new partner, and hold that parent responsible for the breakup of the family or fear loosing their home, changes of school and the loss of friends. Teenagers may resent sharing their time with parents when they are at a stage when they are beginning to become independent and need to be developing relationships with their peers. In time they may well revaluate and change their mind.

Your daughter's views carry considerable weight and courts don't usually make orders against the wishes of a 14 year old because it encourages risky behaviour such as running away.

Hi Fiona

Thank you for your help - you have pretty much told me what I was thinking.

However, can I do anything to stop him telling her his worries? I do honestly think it is having an extremely detrimental effect.

Unfortunately you cannot control another person's behaviour. It isn't acceptable that he is telling her all his woes, as that isn't healthy for her to have that burden too. Girls of that age have enough to deal with, just being teenagers and all the hormones etc., without having to listen to dad's financial worries etc. It's hard to know what to suggest, because you've already asked him not to do this and he's not listening. I suppose though that your daughter may soon get fed up with it, and that could possibly cause her to come back to live with you. You could try talking to her gently about it, ask her how she feels about her dad offloading onto her, but do it in a way so as not to be denigrating your ex.

As you say, relationships are fragile, and because of her age, you obviously don't want to rock the boat with regards to her dad offloading, or with contact. Devil and deep blue sea situation, and I'm sorry that you have found yourself in it. I think the most important thing is to continue to contact your daughter, continue to talk to her on her level, no pressure. Keep assuring her you love her and hopefully she will come round.

As regards going through the Courts for contact, well at the moment I would advise against that, simply because of the fact that her wishes and feelings would carry an awful lot of weight, and if she stated that she doesn't wish to have contact, the Courts would listen to her and that would have a large bearing on the outcome. She is old enough to decide where she wants to live.

I think the gently gently approach is essential here.