Encourage or leave things?

I've posted before about the struggle I've had to get the children's father to see them.

The children are now 18 (FTE first year of A levels), 16, 14 (SEN) and 11 (starting high school in September).

Last week it was there father's 50th birthday. A number of visit's to their house was made (he has since remarried). Sent a text (he won't speak to me) to say we'd called and that we hoped he'd had a good day.

Next day some rather hostile texts from his wife basically saying that normal people phone before calling. No landline number to phone, and he won't answer mobile if I ring - it's usually switched off.

The children had very little interest in their father's birthday and they had to be strongly encouraged to choose a gift and cards.

I have been very upset by the texts that the wife sent - uncalled for, I feel. The children wanted to see their dad to give him the present, and not 'just' post cards through the door.

He's sent a text wanting to see them tomorrow. Not greeted with any enthusiasm AT ALL. I will make them go...

I have to say, until the texts last week that I have always felt it was the ex who didn't want to see the children. I was always disappointed that she didn't encourage contact. Now I can see that its probable that she doesn't want any more contact than the odd visit.

Is it time for me to stop encouraging them? Even the youngest doesn't ask when they'll see him next anymore.

Last year he saw them for a total of 34 hours (yes, I do write it down, I'm afraid), all in two hour time slots after tea

He lives less than a mile away.

I will only go there in the future if its to collect the children. I will not be offering to take them again after these texts.

It's coming up to six years since we split up, and it has been a continual challenge to get him to see the children.

Sorry its long.

NewHorizons,

However big a pompous ass he is, one thing never changes. He is their Dad.

I think you are a very decent person to continue doing what you do and if this were a court imposed contact situation, the wishes of the children would largely be taken into account.

You have done nothing to DISCOURAGE contact and I think that is how you need to play things going forward.

However, I would say that unless you want to be called all kinds of evil in years to come by himself and herself, that you continue to do what you do, but ease off as the youngest reaches mid-teenagerdom.

Mike

Hi,
Although I do commend you for persisting my level of respect for parents who continue to promote contact with an ass of an NRP is equally matched by my contempt for parents who can't be bothered to see their kids at every opportunity.
I would say "to hell with him,and her"
The kids are old enough to understand what his stance is now and they surely fully know your position regarding contact with their dad.
If he can't be bothered then sod him.
He's not a teenage inexperienced jack the lad, he's a 50yr old man.
He seems to have met his perfect match this time, I hope they're both happy being old farts together.
He may be sorry when on his 60th birthday when nobody bothers to call or send a card.

I'd agree with Tom. He's an idiot who will pay for it when he is old, sad and lonely. Stop wasting your time, you've made enough effort to date.
I have the same problem with my STBX. I used to encourage him to see the kids as much as possible, he lives about a mile away too, but he saw it as doing me a favour. I used to make all the arrangements and tell him which days he was having them. Then I got blasted for being a dictator so I stopped doing it and put the responsibility on him to make arrangements.

Funnily enough contact has reduced and reduced due to his silly games.

He used to help with the school run but as he wouldn't tell me his shift pattern and has been out when I've turned up to pick them up at the time, I decided to get on with it myself.
The kids seem less and less bothered about him, thats not to say they don't enjoy themselves when they go for their 24 hours with him.
He has ample opportunity to be involved with his kids daily lives and I'd like hime to do that but in the end it's his choice. BF is becoming more of a dad to them than he ever was. He couldn't even be bothered to see them on his birthday.
I don't feel anymore guilt but I do hurt for the kids.

His actions indicate what interraction he wants with the kids.Not much at 34 hours a year.
All your kids are at an age that they can phone him and have a chat he can pick them up if he makes an arrangement.
I'd really casually be like well you can see your dad whenever you want,just let me know what you've arranged.
Nothing will get sorted ever,your ex has never taken responsibility to maintain a relationship with these kids and the kids won't be bothered,because he's not a big part of their criteria at all.You will be top and mates a close almost joint top.Some bloke who turns up for 1/2 hour every other month will be low on their list of priorities.
all the best
pete xx

Hi Newhorizons -
this touches a nerve with me too.

Father has very little to nothing to do with his children - they are now 9 and 16. Context - he left for OW 3 years ago. Saw children 12 times in 1st year, 4 times the 2nd, the younger one twice last year nothing since last Sept. Father had an argument with the 16 yrold so hasn't contacted him at all not even a Christmas Card.

In all instances I was the one who instigated contact. This Christmas neither child wanted to send a Christmas card - so they didn't. The younger one sent a christma email with a pwerpoint she had done.

What I have found is that while I still "worry" about their father and the lack of contact he has and the effect this will have on my children andtheir future as adults and parents that in turn has not allowed me to move away from their father. It is as though he is still controlling me.

I have found it very difficult to take a step back - but I feel I must do for myself.

IMO your children are of an age where they can make their own decisions. Enable them to buy cards etc if they want - that is fair and right - it sets the right example as to how you treat people.
But I also feel that if we try and "force" the father to have contact we are both trying to control and being controlled and I think this is not an example that is healthy for anyone.

Do you get what I am trying to say?

It is for the father to build his relationship with his children without our influence other than that of neutrality - which is not the same as opting out.

Take care and give yourself a break!

I reckon you have done more that enough to maintain contact between father and kids, if he isn't interested and it sure looks that way why bother?

It is right that you have made the effort thus far but there has to be a limit to how far you carry this. I would leave him to his own devices and see how sorry he is when nobody bothers with him next year.

All the best, Chris.