What will a mediator do ?

Husband and I are divorcing very slowly with much manipulation by him along the way, promises to change, possibly going to counselling etc etc.

I have been advised that we will need to go to mediation if I fill out and file the D8 divorce petition.

We have 2 children , mortgage free properties worth approximately £300,000 in total, investments of £150,000 and savings of approx £30,000.

I earn about 1/2 to 2/3 of what my husband does although I don't work full-time as I am also responsible for all things domestic and children related and multi-tasker though I am, my work is fairly pressured and life would be hell for me if I worked full-time too.

I have a personal pension, not doing terribly well at present, and H has a much better comapany pension scheme.

I'm unsure of how a mediator would view my position as technically I can support the children all by myself. I've come to understand that I won't therefore be eligible for any spousal maintenance to reflect my reduced earning capacity due to being the parent with day to day responsibility for the children. However there would be child support and hopefully a split of assets which takes into account the difference in earning potential between us and the fact that the children will live with me most of the time, perhaps 2 nights a week at their dads and some holidays weeks also.

I've posted our financial statistics into the divorce calculator and it seems to indicate that I might be awarded 70% of our assets before pensions are considered.

Is it realistic to hope for 70/30 as an asset split ?

Without trying to answer your question directly, a mediator's function is to help you reach a civilised agreement without the hassle/expense/buggeration of going to Court.

For a start, I think that it is not a bad idea to get legal advice as to the likely position if the matter went to Court ; if only to be in a position to judge any proposals which emerge during mediation.

Sometimes mediation will not work because one, or both, of the parties, has taken a fixed position and won't budge from it. You and you alone can come to a view of whether this is the case with your x2b but if it is true, then continuing with the mediation may be a waste of everyone's time - not to mention money.

LMM

I was interested to read your post as I'm in a similar position in that I earn much less than my STBX, except the kids have 'flown the nest'. My husband delayed mediation by months so that he could alter the true picture of how things look financially (changing his self-employed work, shifting money around). He is still wanting a 50/50 split which would leave me living like a pauper. Our mediator is very good at 'smelling a rat' and it is good to see all the financial stuff in black and white. Mediator has said that that the process can break down when one party tells lies as all the trust goes.

You both need to be committed to Mediation working and be totally honest and truthful. I'm not sure how reliable the Wiki calculator is as it came up with a 70/30 split plus SM for me too.

Good luck.

This is what concerns me, my husband often takes a very entrenched view of things and will not listen to reason even when the facts are there in black and white.

He negotiates for a living and therefore will consider any proposed asset split put forward by anybody other than himself as just a starting point to be negotiated up or down from. He also thinks that everyone is out to rip him off, be it buying a car or a pint of milk.

He seems to have no concept that it would/should be anything other than 50/50.

Because I know him very well after being together ummpteen years, I know that I need to alert him now to the fact that 50/50 is not realistic so that he has time to adjust to the fact and possibly research the matter further for himself so that he isn't taken by surprise if a mediator mentions 70/30.

However, I also know from experience that if a mediator mentions 60/40, I will never ever ever ever get him to agree anything more than that and I truly believe that 70/30 is much closer to making allowance for the disparity in our earning potential due to me having been the one not to persue their career to the maximum due to part-time work and domestic/children responsibilities added on.

I do fear that mediation may be a waste of money and it's such a shame as avoiding trooping off to court and all the massive admin/formality/stress/costs etc that court cases involve would be vastly preferrable to me.

A solicitor did advise me that 70/30 would take some fighting for (and presumably cost £££££'s). This is why I was surprised when the divorce calculator thingy came up with 70/30, I think its ultimately fair but solicitor thought it would "need fighting for".

Husband won't care about fair, he doesn't want a divorce and seems to want to punish me by making post divorce life as unpleasant financially as possible for me.

I so understand your position. My husband claimed that he'd wanted to leave years ago yet very clearly had done no research on how things are split. It was only when he was caught with his pants down that he finally left, and he was very shocked when I pointed out that the split is not necessarily 50/50.

A good starting point might be for him to read the relevant part of the Matrimonial Clauses Act, which explains what is taken into account, see link:

http://www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Finances/Dividing-th e-Assets/Section-25-Matrimonial- clauses-act-1973.html

I think it unlikely that a Mediator will suggest a split. The Mediator will help you to gather the information and look at assets and monthly expenditure to help you both see how much each of you need to live a reasonable life - if there's enough money in the pot to divide that is. I'm just trying to keep the argument of parity in my mind, i.e. it's not reasonable to expect him to continue living a very comfortable life and expect me to survive eating bread and dripping.

There should be someone on Wiki who can give you an opinion on a fair split if you can give all the details via personal message.