interim mtce before divorce

We separated 3 months ago and my wife is petitioning for divorce.

Mistake No1. I hve not accepted its over and been trying to sort things out - no solicitor etc.
Mistake No2. Due to No1, i have not closed our join account and kept paying my monthly wage into it. This acc pays utility bills, insurances, endowments an the mortgage.
mistake No3. She withdrew her wage i/p to the account instead paying in approx 30% to "cover half the mortgage and outgoings" i still kept my wage going in.
Mistake No4. She is the primary card holder and account holder on out Tesco credit card account that we used to pay everything each month (she likes her tesco's points). For the first 2 months i used it as normal... latterly i have stopped. On 12th Jan account closed and card returned.

Now...
STBX wife has been withdrawing funds from the joint account in various ways. Cheques, cash, but the big payments have been to pay the credit card bill. Her withdrawals are in excess of £5000 in 3 months - £4000 approx for the c/c bill.
We have a lump sum in the jnt acc so this is being reduced as a result.
I have had to pay builders working on a property that is not the family home but i own 50% ££8500 too. Her solicitor has asked - I do not undertake and further large draw downs on the joint account without agreement. I did this with the STBX at a meeting we had and she visited the site and saw what was done etc.

She is accusing me of not paying maintenance towards out one daughter for past 3 months however my arguement has been that her in put to the J-acc was £1800 but she has withdrawn £5000+. The bulk of which is to pay the c/card bill some of which will be my liability. She will not share the bills to ascertain costs!
I have now come to my senses and stopped my wage input to the jnt acc. I am going to make seperate payments to her for 15% of ne income plus pay half the mortgage and joint endowment costs.
Worried how this will look in future if it goes to court?

I sometimes have a look through the unanswered posts because I know how easy it is for posts to go un-noticed. Usually it's the complicated ones that are not dealt with.

There is one point that strikes me, could she run up an overdraft on your joint account ? You need to close this, my friend, right away. Or at least freeze it.

I don't blame you for being reluctant to accept that your marriage is over. One thing life taught me is that other people - family and close friends - can usually see it clearer than you can.

I often think it might be a good idea to try and outline some steps which for want of a better term, you might call ' pre-divorce ' which could, in some cases, be quite important. It may be that other posters may wish to add to it, so I decided to try and start a thread on ' pre-divorce '

Housing.


If the family home is in the name of one spouse only, the other should consider registering matrimonial home rights as a matter of urgency. The purpose of this is to prevent the other selling or mortgaging the FMH without the consent of the other.

If the family home is held as joint tenants, consider a severance of the joint tenancy. This is a smallish point because it will not make any difference to the financial settlement. The point is that, if ( Heaven forfend ) one of you dies before the divorce then the other gets the whole lot . But of course it works the other way round too.

If the family home is rented, it is desirable that, if you are a joint tenant, you try and make sure you are not liable for the rent arrears of the other after you leave.

Wills

You should always take the opportunity to review your will.

Joint property

Leaving aside housing, consider what property you own jointly. You may have to decide what is to be done about it. You may have to make decisions about insurance policies, who pays premiums and who gets the benefits.

Debts

Consider what debts you have and why they were incurred. It may be appropriate to treat such debts as joint and it may be that one spouse should take sole responsibility for others.

Consider in particular whether either party could increase or add to an existing debt without the other's knowledge.

Benefits

A party in receipt of benefits ( especially means tested benefits ) should always consider whether those benefits are affected by separation. Sometimes, perhaps more often than not, the benefits will increase. Benefits cannot in general be backdated so prompt action, especially after separation has occurred, is advisable.

Possessions

Make a list of possessions, furniture, chattels, etc and think about who is to get what.

Start preparing

If you are heading for divorce, sooner or later you will need to fill in the dreaded Form E.

My advice is clear, try getting together as much information as you can about ;

What your living costs at the FMH are ( or used to be, if you have left )
What your living costs are now, after you have separated.
If you haven't separated, but you know this is possible, consider trying to form a guestimate of what your likely outgoings will be.

It is always best if you keep receipts. Make this a habit. Sooner or later you will need them.

There is some information you will need but may take time to get together. these include pension CRTV's, surrender values of life policies, mortgage statements. Again, it may be advisable to collect this in advance so you have the information available when you need it.

Leaving before you have to

This can be quite an important decision and may have ramifications, but I think I have said enough for starters.

I am sorry I did not pick this up sooner but I was working on involved case together with another poster and I'm sorry yours slipped off the radar.
LMM

LMM

Thanks Mike,
Things have moved on at a rate of knots... too fast IMO!
1. i moved out back in October, living with my mother at the moment not too far away.
2. Access to my daughter is fine -she is 16 and makes her own mind up where and when.
3. Joint acc - difficult one. Offset mortgage acc. My mum loaned us £20000 to offset the mortgage as a favour. She has asked for it back in writing. S2BX just posted the letter back through her door denying knowledge! My sol has detailed this to her sol in writing too.
I am paying into the joint acc for 50% of the mortgage interest. We have only paid interest since the acc opened, any left over funds adds to the offset.
I am paying 50% of two endowment policies we kept running from our first mortgages. They complete next autumn. Plan was that these would pay the mortgage off and job done.
I am paying CM direct into S2BX's bank account. Amount was requested by and worked out by my S2BX - i think i should be paying more tho as she worked it out on 15% of my take home pay not NET.
All household bills have or are being transferred to S2BX except gas and electric as we (still saying we) have a discounted rate ending in May - I agreed to leave in my name if she pays it.

I dont have a will - need to sort that out asap.

Debts - none other than mortgage.

Benefits - i have never seen any... child benefit went straight to S2BX. Dont think we had anything else.

Possessions. Will be difficult as our 16yr old daughter lives at home and i dont want to disrupt the house too much.

Form E - Started on that - A few areas i need to get additional info on though. Properties being valued next week. I have a 50% share in a property my gran left in inheritance. Been refurbishing and it is not livable at this time. But could be with a couple of weeks work. Advised not to spend on it though by sol.

Outgoings - you mention receipts? For what... everything? Living with my mum at the mo and obv that will be difficult to work out.

========================

Next steps.
Form E and outgoings - completion of forms and return to Sol.

S2BX wants a "meeting" to exchange all the info and have a chat about what we want.
She removed ALL my personal financial documentation from the FMH when we split leaving me without access to it for 2 months. Apparently this is a big No No according to the sol so now i am loathed to volunteer same information. However if this is all to go smoothly.... i need to show some trust! Difficult though that is!

Mediation - Not sure on when this should be started and how it is started - who finds the mediation? Need to do some work there.

I have now turned the corner re acceptance and moving on. My only issue is my family have passed away and i have benefitted from inheritance and S2BX will be entitled to take half of that yet after 28 years together, i will have no come back in same way when eventually her family leave her something in the future... seems so unfair.

Bloody mess in truth!