Jealousy??

Ihaven't been on this site for a long while. My ex walked out nearly two years ago and rushed through the divorce in 4 months, I have now been divorced for just over a year. We have a lovely 9 year old daughter who spends every other weekend with her Father and the rest of the time with me. I have a lovely boyfriend who I have been going out with for 4 monthsm, and things are good. My problem is that my ex has a lovely girlfriend who he is madly in love with. She's beautiful, younger than me, never been married and doesn;t have children. The get to spend every weekend together either at his or hers. Put wonderful pictures up on facebook and to add fuel to the fire she loves my daughter.
On the other hand my boyfriend and I get to spend very little time together, can never spend a weekend together as he has his elderly father to look after.

I am basically wracked with jealousy and have no idea what to do about it. I send him vile emails and texts. I am reacting like the archetypal ex wife, and I don't seem to be able to stop myself. I spend hours crying about what we had and how we both threw it away, and now she's going to have that with him.

Please, someone tell me how on earth I get through this?

Thanks

Well, you clearly know you have to stop. There are three ways to go about it that I can think of. One is to go cold turkey and just stop. Another is to set yourself targets: I will not text/email for x hours. A third is to creat another email acount, like hotmail and send your vitriol there. That gets it out of your system without harming anyone.

Over and above this kind of coping mechanism it sounds to me as though you need counselling. So she's beautiful, younger, and loves your daughter? So what? That doesn't mean their relationship is anywhere near as good as you think it is. Stop fantasising about them. Maybe too you need to think through your own new relationship. Is it too soon? If your new bf is the right one for you, you surely wouldn't be wasting your time obsessing about your ex.

You need to do something about your anger, and yes, jealousy is anger.
It's been going on for a long time and contributed greatly to the breakdown of your marriage.
You excuse yourself by saying that you only threw things etc.
That can be so terrifying you know. I well remember shaking uncontrollably until the police arrived, after the ex threw a heavy bar stool across the room, though he never laid a hand on me.

I suggest the first call is to your GP, he/she will be able to advise as to whether anger management help is available.
Do this today before it escalates further, or you may ruin your present relationship.
Oh, and be thankful the lady loves your daughter.
Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Thank you. i like the idea of setting up another email account.

I know the jealousy is anger, and it has been getting worse recently, anyway, with myself. I have done loads of anger management courses, some were successful and some weren't. I was never violent to him, only threw something once, and it missed him!

I am going to try the email account.

Thank you

Hi MCW,

Hugs.

A very brave post.

Firstly, you have identified what you are doing is wrong, you also have identified the triggers.

Jealousy is a difficult emotion to control and rationalise.

Don't compare relationships. You're happy with your bf full stop. As soon as we compare our lives with others, I'm sure many of us can feel envy/jealousy or coveting.

I have a friend who is happily married and has spa weekends away, shops at prestige stores, eats out at least once a week and has fabulous holidays; safari, far east, jungle etc. All the things I don't have. I went through a phase of envy, but there will always be someone who has more than me (there will always be someone who has less than me, also) - so - I said to myself - I can waste time wanting what I don't have or I can be grateful for what I do have.

I'm as poor as a church mouse - I shop at the charity shop and poundland, have booked a 2 day camping holiday this year but I have a wonderful boyfriend and a gorgeous daughter - this fills my heart with happiness (although I'm sure I'd find room for a lottery win )

I know these are different circumstances, but only you can change the way you think and your mind-set.

I know it sounds daft, but make a list (physical or mental) of all the things that are good in your life, also if there are any negatives about your ex (its easy to brush over or ignore in these circumstances, but nows the time to recall) and every time you think these jealous thoughts, you can think "Yeah, but she has to put up with his - snoring, toilet habits, untidiness, parents, TV shows, laziness, etc. etc." Its always worth reminding yourself he wasn't perfect.

Be kind to yourself

WR x

madcatwoman wrote:
Thank you. i like the idea of setting up another email account.

I know the jealousy is anger, and it has been getting worse recently, anyway, with myself. I have done loads of anger management courses, some were successful and some weren't. I was never violent to him, only threw something once, and it missed him!

I am going to try the email account.

Thank youI take it then you've tried stress busters such as kick boxing, or stress calmers like Yoga?
What about a pair of sheepskin mittens, not joking. Put them on the keyboard and when you feel the urge to type, put them on. It's a physical act to tell you to stop.
Yes, it is a brave admission, I feel for you.

Hi WR

Thank you. You are so right. I have so many things to be grateful for.

I read in a magazine recently about this woman who had gone through a really rough time and had decided that because she always thought in the negative in her life that she would post on facebook every day for a year, something that she was grateful for. it started really well, then there were days when she literally posted, 'I have woken up today and i'm graetful for that!' She kept going for the whole year and now she realises that she automatically thinks on the bright side, it has made a huge difference to her life.

I am fed up with being pessimistic, always thinking I am the victim and probably being rather miserable to be around. i have been wondering since reading this article whether I shold do the same. its a heck of a committment and a declaration to all my FB friends but I think I jsut might do it.

Thank you WR