Forgiveness?

(This post was originally part of a thread on how the children feel... Iwas asked to re-post it under forgiveness)
After reading quite a few of these messages, I am very sad at how much anger and hatred there is towards ex's. I know that there is a lot of hurt and betrayal as part of a relationship break-up and I want to tread carefully here...but I believe the best thing for you and the children is to forgive your ex, no matter how badly he/she has treated you.

I understand that this is extremely difficult. But by forgiving, you will be free... to move on and to encourage your children's relationship with their other parent (unless of course it is a dangerous one or abusive one). Try to remember that you used to love that person and although they have hurt you, they still have some positive traits/characteristics/skills/relationships otherwise you would not have fallen in love with them. They must still have SOME redeeming feature(s)and even if you can't speak positively about them right away in front of the children, at least try and keep your negative comments/attitudes away from them.

Obviously, this forum is a great place to share your heart, but I really believe that the more you go over the way someone has hurt you in your mind, the more ingrained it becomes in your psyche and then into your speech and actions. Try to see things from your ex's point of view and especially your children's point of view. It hurts them when you hate your ex and as many have already said, they catch on to much more than we think they do.

To help our children deal with the pain of divorce, we have to deal with it ourselves first by forgiving and also admitting that it is not all the other person's fault.

I had been married for 7 rs and had a 4 yr old daughter, when my STBX told me he no longer wanted to be married to me. 4 yrs on and we have just begun the divorce process. It was obviously extremely painful at the beginning and I went through the whole range of emotions like I'm sure you all have, but I have now come to see that I was not the perfect wife and he often found it v. difficult to be married to me. I was willing however to work on it and try to change, but he had already decided it was over and I couldn't really change his mind. He fell in love with another woman and was fantasising about being with her for a couple of years. He has not acted on what he said he wanted to do ie. get a divorce. So I have finally had to do it, even though I don't agree and think our relationship could still work.
But with God's help, I have forgiven him and we have fairly amicable relations and our daughter...now 7, seems to be coping very well.

So PLEASE, for your children's sake, don't hate your ex. Try to remember that it takes 2 to make a relationship work and 2 to break it down. None of us have been perfect spouses and we all mess things up. Try to forgive and try to see them the way you used to see them(albeit without the romance). Try to help your children to love their mum and dad as much as possible without using them as a go between.

I'm sorry for the mini-sermon but I have heard so many people completely vilifying their ex and no one should have so much hatred for another human, simply because it hurts the hater more than the hated and only serves to hurt those who love the hated (ie. children, grandparents, siblings, etc...).

I'm expecting a lot of negative responses to this post, but I only want to encourage people to be free of hatred. It does nothing but destroy.

(This was the next one but is missing the response from Young again)

Thanks for your response, Young Again. it's good to be able to have a discussion about these things.

I agree, that forgiveness is much more difficult when the bad treatment is ongoing. And I also agree with you (and did not mean to imply)that just because you haven't forgiven someone means that you hate them.

But people also misunderstand true forgiveness.
1.It is NOT saying that it's ok if people hurt you. In fact it's the opposite...it's saying you have hurt me and I am in a lot of pain but I will forgive you anyway.

2.Forgiveness does NOT mean you allow the abuse to continue. You do everything in your power to stop it from happening both to yourself and to anyone else in the power of the abuser.

3.Forgiving does NOT mean letting them off the consequences either, by all means report their behaviour to authorities, remove yourself from the situation and again, do whatever you can to stop it from carrying on.

4.It does NOT mean forgetting they did it, who can do that?
5.Forgiveness is NOT ignoring what they did and trying to carry on as before pretending it never happened.The abuser/one who hurt you should be faced if possible and told how they have damaged you/your children.

But forgiveness is really something which happens in your own heart when you choose to stop feeling bitter and angry towards the person who hurt you. It means choosing not to dwell on it and go over and over in your mind and conversations how horrible the person is and what they have done to you and what punishment they deserve.
In doing that, you are continuing to allow that person power over you and allowing them to dictate how you feel and behave.
If you can, and I know this is also v. difficult, tell the person you have forgiven them.
Controversial, I know, but there is something incredibly powerful in doing this which is actually more effective in helping the other person to change as well as yourself.

There is also the fact that none of us are perfect and we all do things that hurt others, intentionally or unintentionally. I don't know about you, but when I have hurt someone, I hope that they can forgive me. So I feel I should extend the same grace to them that I want for myself.
As a Christian, I believe that God (as well as other people)have forgiven me for a mountain of things that I have done wrong...selfishness, greed, anger, lies, lust, cruelty, rudeness, injustice...as well as all the things I haven't done right...looking after the poor, sick and needy, not being a good worker, friend, parent, sibling, etc... the list is LONG. So If God can forgive me all of that, then I can and must forgive other people when they do one or two or more of those things against me.

Hope that all makes sense, though i'm sure it will not sit too comfortably with many peeps!

Would be interested to hear others thoughts on this one. I agree with you about forgiveness being a luxury...in fact I would go even further and say it was priceless, for who can buy someone's deep heartfelt pardon?

Cosmopolitan

I struggle with the whole concept of forgiveness, so I will pre-empt everything in this post by stating: In my view…

There must be many different interpretations of the term. Wipe the slate clean. Pardon them – or whatever. Forgiveness like love and trust has to be earned. If it's a one-sided decision for a person to 'forgive' without the other party being aware of it perhaps ‘forgiveness’ is the wrong word. It’s a very one-sided notion. Can there be true forgiveness where there is no commitment to put right the wrong?

Where there is the possibility of reconciliation I think forgiveness is important. Once the damage is done, there is no point in my view. Why would you forgive someone for trashing 20+years of your life, saying that none of it meant a thing to them? Forgiveness before divorce would be worth the effort. After divorce – it’s pointless… in my view.

When we are wounded, the sensible thing to do is to heal from within and to shut out the possibility of further hurt. That does not mean we have to forgive the other person. It means we have to forgive ourselves and give ourselves permission to heal and move on. We made a misjudgement by trusting and we have to forgive ourselves for that. To acknowledge the scars and to thrive in spite of the behaviour of someone we loved and trusted, and to go and live the best life we can. You don’t have to forgive them to move on, you have to forget them.

Concentrate on being with genuine, positive people from here on.

Does forgiveness mean I’m upset that he’s hurting now or is my mind playing tricks on me? If he came to me now that he’s in difficulty and asked for help, I would not turn him away. He will never be in my life again but I would not see him alone and frightened. I loved him more than anyone in my life or will ever love again. The love I profess would be of little worth if I could see him in some distress now and do nothing to help him. Forgive him? Never! Too much hurt and too little compassion for me at that time.

If my husband ever asks me to forgive him, then that is something I would have to think about the day the devil skates to work (Thanks cookie2 for that quote).

Just my view.

Mitchum

Totally agree with Mitchum. In my personal opinion they dont deserve forgiveness, my ex has ruined my life & my children's so how can this be forgiven, the best thing is to forget move on and leave him behind.

Hi Cosmo,

For completeness here is the text of my post:

Re:How DO the kids feel? 11 Hours, 6 Minutes ago
Hi Cosmopolitan,

What you write is all well and good and the ideal to strive for. I disagree with you when you imply that if you haven't forgiven your ex it means you must hate them. I don't hate my ex, I don't care enough to do that, but I have not forgiven her.

When you write, "forgive your ex, no matter how badly he/she has treated you" you write about a specific past event or series of events.

Unfortunately there are some people whose abuse of their partner/wife/husband is continuous. In particularly nasty or long-term cases self-harm seems to be more of an option than forgiveness because the latter would just allow the abuse to continue while the former might bring help - and in the case of suicide, finally put and end to the continuous abuse.

This isn't drama, this is real life. By all means forgive if you can, but more importantly, talk. Talk to you ex, keep communication lines open, keep a diary, copy emails, tape conversations (with their knowledge) if you have to, but talk.

Forgiveness is a luxury item not everyone can afford.

Thanks for having the guts to put what you feel is right on the board!

Good luck!

YA

I will never forgive my ex for his behaviour. I do not see that as a weakness on my part. I see that as a strength.

My children saw me hit the floor with pain and grief a year ago when i discovered his affair. They saw me cry till I could cry no more. They saw me almost destroy myself with grief and pain. They then saw me pick myself up and get on with my life. That is a valuable lesson for them. Shit happens. But you deal and get over it and move on. But I will not let my children see me be treated badly like that by him and then forgive him. That is not a good example to set them. His behaviour never will be an acceptable way to go.

However, I will not let the hatred, yes hatred, I have felt for him and what he's done destroy his relations with our children. I love them too much to hurt them like that. I do not tell them I hate him. I tell them that I can never feel the same way about him after the way he's treated me. But he never stopped loving them. But as a measure a basic self respect I think forgiveness is out of the question. My hatred is fast becoming indifference and contempt. So, yes, I won't hate for ever. But hatred is a necessary part of the process of disengagement from someone who I loved so intensely and for so long and with such total trust. And I will not apologise for it. It is all part of the exorcism of him from my head. But I will also not forgive. Why should I? Nothing I did - and I'm not trying to pretend I'm perfect - justifies what he has done. But not forgiving him will not eat me up. I will not let it. He is quite simply not worth it.



I'm sorry to say this cosmopolitan, but I suspect your post will make people out there in pain feel a lot worse. It certainly has me. I haven't felt this bad in ages. Thanks.

Forgive her?

NO WAY

Sorry

LW