3yrs on. Do you feel like I do occasionally?

I have a friend who is 10 years on and her children are all grown up. She is now in a committed relationship with a new partner and has been for a good few years.

Through my break up she has been my rock and without her I do not honestly know if I would have got even this far (which in all honesty does not feel very far at all). At the weekend she and I were talking about my situation and she said that although she is now years down the line, things are never really ever the same again. She recognises that she will always miss that family unit, but as hard as it was during the early years, you somehow learn to live with what has happened.

She said that there comes a point that you stop asking for answers, which she realised that she would never get anyway. And one day there comes a point when you just feel relief and a sense of peace, but this can happen years later.

Her X-husband committed adultery and is still with the woman he left her for, but according to her children he is not truly happy and it shows. My friend no longer cares, although she did say that should anything ever happen to him she knows that she will be extremely upset.

Her words to me are that you just somehow learn to live with it all and there is a day when you just have to move on, but deep down things will never ever be the same again.

In my case, although not yet divorced, my STBX is a very unique character. During our many years together he sapped my confidence and looking back now I can clearly see this.

The hardest thing is trying to regain some of that spirit that I once had before I met him. Who knows if it will ever return. I too often ponder over the ifs, buts and maybes, but with the words of my friend who has tread this path before me, it is a wasted energy and I should be using this time to focus on the here and now and on me and the children. She is right of course, but it is hard at times as there is no other place quite like divorce.

I hope for all of us, there will come a day when we can all feel a sense of peace again and without the worry and weight of the world on our shoulders. I look forward to finding the end of the rainbow!

Take care for now FoS x

I have been away from my husband of 23 yrs for 4 yrs now, our divorce was made absolute last May 2011. At first I thought it was all my fault as I did leave him, but I wanted him to stop me from leaving to show me he loved me,a cry for help, he didn't listen, he packed my stuff in my car and sent me on my way. I drove off and waited about 1/2 mile up the road, he didn't come.In despair I drove off, scared or too proud to go back, I found myself in a part of the country I didn't know anything about or anyone. I found somewhere to stay and got a job, and quietly had a mental breakdown. I rang him several times but he wouldn't 'come and get me'.He turned my daughters against me and they have snubbed me so many times.
After 12 months I went back to my hometown and moved in with my parents, just down the road where I had lived, ashamed for walking out on my 2 daughters, husband, dog and home, I couldn't look neighbours in the face. He had 3 women on the go at the time, but currently just has one, living in my home quite blatently using my 'things', knowing that I can see her car on the drive etc.He takes her on holidays/weekends that we where supposed to go on My youngest daughter(21) still lives with him. It hurts like hell. I know I hurt his pride by leaving and subsequently with the divorce settlement. I have always hoped, and still do to a certain extent that maybe he will 'forgive' me and want a reconcilliation.
I am now in a relationship with a good man who is not bad tempered or judgemental, everything I do is great by him, but I still 'love' my husband and probably always will, will this hurt ever leave me? I realise now that my ex probably didn't love me as much as he said he did or should have and that though is with me most of the time 4 years on.
Now though, I do have a more peaceful life, no bullying or getting shouted at, but I will never forget my first love

I think I have found this one of the most honest,helpful and inspirational threads for a while.

I'm almost 2 years down the line since my wife of 18 months walked out. Apparently,I didnt make her happy but her Porsche driving (married with children) work colleague made her ecstatic. She gave me a run down of my faults: 'Not ambitious enough' ( I actually helped her get the high earning job she now has)and she asked where I saw myself in five years time (yes, seriously, she asked me that!) For all my shortcomings, she took with her the sports car I had bought her plus she enjoyed a free holiday at my expense one week before she left. She subsequently tried to extract 50K from me in Court, but didnt succeed. I can honestly say that I dont blame myself for the failure of the marriage but I DO blame myself for being the mug that married her! Basically she thought marriage was going to be like a romantic novel and we would ride off into the sunset together where doing the weekly chores together at the weekend didnt exist. In fact she didnt 'do' chores as they were 'boring.' In restrospect, SHE was bl**dy boring and thats probably why she has been dumped by not only her married lover but two further men. Meanwhile I have formed a relationship with a lovely, caring woman. A bit of Karma here I think.

I'm just over 3-years post seperation. Things have moved on & I now have my own house, ex is shacked up with OW in what was our home & we are still yet to divorce.

I can honestly say that I still have good & bad days - more good than bad thankfully - but I can feel really down for the odd couple of days, question everything, cry and then the sun somes out & it's a new day. I am just coming out of a couple of "down" days.

I do know that I will never be the same again & whether that is a good or bad thing I can't say at the moment. I am still trying to establish who I am & even though I am in a stable relationship with someone else now - I am finding it difficult to feel consistent in my feelings. I've questioned everything - from the whole notion of love (everlasting or not), to how much I was responsible for the demise of my marriage etc & clarity is coming with thought and time.

Although I have no desire to be with my ex anymore, I do feel lonely on occasion living on my own & miss the unit as we were. But what I'm missing is what I thought it was - sadly not what it turned out to be in reality. That is hard to face & accept. A part of me will always love my ex & I do have fond memories of the happier times we spent together but I do expect thae love to fade with more time.

We each do what we must in order to rebuild our lives as best we can. I am still searching for peace & can only hope that one day, it will come.

Dazed. x

I haven't been on this site for a long time either. Just clicked over 5 years since my big trouble.

Always have been an avid reader but during the worst of my depression and anxiety I lost the will to read at all for a time.

When it returned I read some amazing books by some amazing people. And they were not all about grieving for a lost relationship.

One of the best was by Lindsay Nicholson who is the editor of Good Housekeeping Magazine. Lindsay lost her young husband and shortly afterwards her little daughter who I think was around 10 when she died - both to Leukaemia. She was pregnant with her second daughter when her husband died.

Now I am certainly not trying to compare the grief of losing a child as well as a husband to what happened to me - no way no how. But Lindsay does describe the grieving process excellently whatever we are grieving for.

When she gets to the final part of the grieving process - acceptance, what I think she is saying put into my own words is that what happened to her will always be dreadful, will always give her unimaginable hurt but only when she had truly accepted their deaths into every single part of her being could she truly start to process her feelings. Everything else that had gone before in her grieving process of many years had been a long fight against the reality of what had happened to her family and railing against the universe for making it so.

It was only when she was able to accept that what had happened could not be undone and that nothing would ever be the same again that she could properly start to live again.

Living on the Seabed is the name of the book if anyone wants to read it I highly recommend it - wonderfully well written and thank you to Lindsay Nicholson for helping me with my very different situation.

Similarly, I feel that the hurt of what my ex did to me will never ever go away but having reached the acceptance stage in the grieving process and oh my it's been a long one, I too can start to properly live again.

Hello and Best wishes everyone, Nige.