Can trust ever be restored?

Mitchum wrote:

Strange how we pour out our story to total strangers on wiki and ‘trust’ them to give advice which we can take on board or not, but why do we trust them? I think because we are anonymous and there’s no need for pretence and lies. Why would we lie anonymously? We tell it as it is.


Slowly, slowly I am releasing the pain and hurt. I will never forgive or forget but I think that’s an age thing. For young people to be as bitter and never to make new relationships would be a disaster. For now, I have to try to get through each day and trust in myself to eventually find peace.

Hi Mitch. Yea people give there advice here freely and yes its usualy unbiased but its tainted. Tainted due to experiance. Not everyone on here likes what I have to say. For lots of reasons. But mostly becuase it dont "fit" with there experiance. Thats the way it is. But advice is like a bag of rebels. If you dont like the toffee's then you can just leave them in the bag.

You will forget in time. And you should work towards forgiving. The mistake is to think of forgivness as something you give to someone else. As in the words "I have forgiven you". But this view is wrong. Firtsly you have to forgive yrself. And then forgive them in yr heart but dont offer them this gift. This is one gift that is kept. Once you do this the bitterness that you feel will start to melt away and you can heal. And in time you will feel that utter peace. C.

My ex did some truly awful things to me. I suffered for years when I was with her and she was still making me suffer after I had left. So a little while ago I forgave her. She dont know of course and she will never know. But it helped me to get her out of my head finaly. And now I feel much better for it. And yes I have found my place in the world and at times I feel utter total peace. C.

The thing about trust is; once it has been detroyed it is replaced not by lack of trust, but by suspicion. And suspicion is every bit as hard to knock down as trust is to build up, so it's a douoble edged sword

I can still trust other people, but there are those who have destroyed my trust so completely that I don't think it can be recovered with them again

Sun

I have not dated since my husband left me but I want to believe that I will be able to trust a new partner otherwise how can a relationship work.

However, I will be a lot wiser especially if I lived with someone. For example me and my husband had separate bank accounts which was never a problem. However, I have since found out that he was paying monthly maintenance to his mistress, presents, the DNA test for his child etc.

Sonya

SonyaDen wrote:
I have not dated since my husband left me but I want to believe that I will be able to trust a new partner otherwise how can a relationship work.

However, I will be a lot wiser especially if I lived with someone. For example me and my husband had separate bank accounts which was never a problem. However, I have since found out that he was paying monthly maintenance to his mistress, presents, the DNA test for his child etc.

Sonya

Hi Sonya. I think if you maintain an open mind about any relationship that you may have then you will be ok. The trick is to look at any potential with a cold eye. Does he stand up to what you want in a partner. Most people say things like; he makes me laugh. He is so interesting he seems so interested in me and so on. They dont look further than the obvious. I think this is a big mistake. You have to look further. I know its not very romantic but you have to consider very carefully if you should invest in this person. Becuase thats what your doing. You dont want to make the same mistake again.

You dont have to trust someone at all to go on a date. You have to assume that they will actualy turn up. After that you build the trust slowly. Get to know the person over a long period.

Many people jump from meeting someone to lovers in 1 fell swoop. To me thats plain wrong. It takes time to get to know someone. Many say you have a short life. Just enjoy it. But you wont enjoy letting a scheaming monster into yr life.

Me and my ex had a joint account. That didnt stop her taking the money out. She did it slowly in dribs and drabs. We also had savings. And she forged my sig to take 7000 to give to her BF to settle a loan that he had. She also had her own accounts and savings. Of course I trusted her not to do anything nasty to me. She was my wife. But I was wrong to put all my trust in her. Thats it end off. A big lesson. Never trust anyone completely. C.

What a really interesting thread. I hope you do find peace Mitchum
I think the best way forward, in my case, is to be responsible for my own happiness.

I haven't been on here in ages, since which I am in a new relationship - never thought I would be in one again due to inability to trust.

In the first few months I found it okay - my new man is so good to me, so affectionate & genuine.

However, through no fault of his, I am finding that my past experience is impacting on my ability to trust. My ex didn't leave me for someone else, but was totally untrustworthy in other ways. This has left me on autopilot sneak alert!

My new man has mainly female friends & he is very affectionate with them, hugs & kisses them quite openly in front of me. He sometimes has a female friend to stay.

I try not to let it bother me most of the time, but if I'm a bit low my inability to trust leaves me feeling insecure.

The main difference, I am not showing it to him, as I want to give him a chance without making him feel he has to sneak around behind my back to see what are really just friends. The other difference, I will not hang around if I discover a single act of dishonesty ever again - I forgave so many before "just one more time" but this will not happen again.