settling amicably

Hi

My husband and I have agreed on an amicable divorce. We want to settle everything amongst ourselves and then each just hire a solicitor to put it all into writing. But we can't go through an on-line "quicky" divorce because we still need a bit of advice to make sure we are not missing anything or to flag things that have not been thought out well. He is a business owner and I have agreed to wave my right for a share in his business as long as he plays fair and agrees to my requests for maintenance etc.

However, every time I speak to prospective lawyers, they act suspicious and make me feel uncomfortable. They don't seem to understand my wishes and keep demanding full financial disclosure and reminding me that they can not serve me well if I just come to them with my own ideas etc.

I am 35 years old and I know what I am doing. I realize that I could get a lot more if I went the full blown legal route but I have decided, for my sanity and for the sake of my kids emotional well being, to walk away with much less than I could get in court. I want a comfortable life style for myself and my kids but am not looking to get rich from the divorce. I want this to be over with quickly and conflict free. Where can I find a smart, sensible, affordable lawyer who understands this and doesn't make me feel like a criminal or an idiot? basically, I need an in between solution between high street lawyers and the on-line route...

I suspect that the lawyers are nervous about giving advice when they don't have the financial information to see just what is at stake.

I'm no legal expert but what I'm happy to share my understanding:

Keep in mind that divorce and financial settlements are different things. To properly agree a settlement you will need a consent order (I think that's something that can be done via Wiki) but a judge will only rubberstamp it if confident that you both thoroughly understand and agree the split and that you have been properly advised.

I envy you if you can sort it all out amicably - what you think as being fair about maintenance etc. might be different to what your husband sees as fair. As my solicitor said "you'll only get one bite of the cherry, and you can't come back for more later". I would advise you not to agree to anything in a hurry without doing a lot of research first.

A solicitor can only give advice ­base­d on the known facts. If the facts are incomplete, the accuracy of the advice will decrease.

If you telephoned NHS direct you might have this dialogue:

NHS: How can I help you?
Caller: I am feeling feint, I can’t get warm and I can’t stay awake.
NHS: Do you have a problem with your appetite?
Caller: Not usually although I’ve not eaten today
NHS: Do you suffer from heart problems at all?
Caller: No, I’m fine in that respect
NHS: ­base­d on this information it sounds as though you might have an iron deficiency and/or low blood sugar levels.
Caller: I hacked off my leg earlier in a freak kitche-­base­d accident – do you think that might make a difference?
NHS: That does narrow the issue somewhat - stay on the line whilst I call you an ambulance...

Now, imagine that the missing leg is a multi-million pound pension fund and the NHS is a solicitor. Any advice given where it is clear that may be undisclosed assets will lead to negligence. The upside is that negligence rarely leads to death in the legal arena.

Solicitors are cagey with advice in the same way as doctors are unable to give a reassurance on a complex case - where there is not enough information available an opinion soon becomes useless.

Charles

From what you write, I think you would benefit from mediation and there are a number of articles on the subject on this site.

Mediation has many advantages over the traditional route to divorce - it is less aggressive, and usually much quicker and considerably cheaper.

Instead of having two solicitors fighting to get as much of the family pot for the client and writing angry letters to eachother, you have one neutral mediator bringing the two of you to a sensible and sustainable agreement.

Give it a go! You sound perfect for it.

You have to bear in mind that the job of a solicitor is to bring certainty so far as is possible.

"I have agreed to wave my right for a share in his business as long as he plays fair and agrees to my requests for maintenance etc."

This is an uncertain concept and solicitors are therefore professionally uncomfortable with it. Trusting other people is not part of our job de­script­ion!

Thanks for all the comments and advice!!!

To "Action"
What I need is a lawyer who will write out the legally binding consent order ­base­d on the agreement we provide. But the 'cherry' comment is defintely worth remebering!


To "Charles"
Your comments were valid and the NHS example very amusing and clever.

I realize that solicitors might be worried to give advice without adequate information. However, I don't want advice on wheter what we agreed is fair, I just want someone to look it over and say, for example: "hang on, you forgot about school fees" or "if you phrase it this way then you are not protected from xyz"...

I guess, to use your example, it is like going to a doctor once already fully diagnosed and in treatment for an illness, and just asking whether they can think of any further medication that might be helpful.

To "Immediate"
I have thought of mediation, but as far as I understand they are not legally trained and could not write a consent order and other divorce papers?

Lisa

If you go for a consent order you will still need to make a limited financial disclosure - form D81 I think - its in the library.

If the judge thinks the consent order is unfair to you - and you have not taken legal advice, he/she may refuse to stamp it and/or call you to court for a short hearing to be satisfied that you understand the implications of what you have agreed.

Wiki does an online CO service. It may be worth calling the advice line (see to right) to see if they could help you out with this.

Hadenoughnow