going through hell

Hi
Well where do I begin? I have been married for 9 years, we have a boy aged 7 who is autistic and i have a 20yr old from a previous relationship. I married my stbx in something of a bit of a whirlwhind. He is 4 yrs older than me and an only child, his parents i thought were ok, they are now in their 80's and had him when they were quite old, he is now 46.

Our marriage has had more ups and downs than i care to remember, i have been asking for a divorce for the last 5 years at least, but he always said that he didnt have a problem with the marriage it was me who did. He refused to go to any type of counceling as he wasnt the one with the problem and in the end i stopped going as their was no point unless he attended.

His parents live across the road from us and are somewhat over bearing, i have tried to include them in everything including going on holiday with us, but the last 12 months it has been unbearable. 6 months ago when i had had too much to drink, and yes in the last year i did take to drinking in the evenings as he always worked long hours and refused to go out unless it was just us two, i had a massive argument with his mother and admitted that I couldn't live with him anymore, she flew into a rage which resulted in them writing me and my daughter out of their will (they have a bit) and then to make sure I knewn they posted the letter through the door on a day when they knew i would be home alone.

At Christmas it got worse and worse and he refused to do anything towards Christmas not even helping with getting pressies forn our child, he wound me up all Christmas eve telling me that his parents were coming on Christmasn day, and continued this on Christmas day, he was rude to my mother and was disgusting with his food at the table, that evening it culmulated in a massive row, he told me that yes his parents had planted the letter on purpose (something that they had always denied), i pursued him downstairs to try and talk this through, he wouldn't talk and in essence we both got stupid, he tried to break my wrist, and i broke his finger, which i didn't know i had done until he told me the next morning. he then said that he was a victim of abuse and went to his parents house, i crumpled, phoned my mum and told her, she went mad, he then went round to her house and threatened her with the police (she is ill an in her 70's) so she said fine, he then came back home and said that he was going to the police, maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, he took the dog out for a walk and i phoned the police, told them what had happened and said that ni wanted to make a statement, a nice police woman phoned me and arranged a meeting a couple of days later, my bruses were now starting to come out where he had chucked me around and i got my daughtern to take photos, i never said anything about them to him, he came home from work on the 27th with his finger bandanged saying it was broken and that he may go to the police, i still hadn't told him that i had phoned them, on the 28th the police woman came round, i told her the full story and i had been writing everything down, i still am and she said that his parents had been in that day to report it, so she arranged with him a little chat, apparently she read him the riot act but it was sorted out under restorative justice, and surprise surprise the bandage came off his hand.

we are now divorcing and he is going for full custody saying i am an unfit mother, am alcoholic (he is tee total) amd that his parents are going to look after our child, apparently i have to move out of the village and never be seen again!

Sorry this is long

We are still living in the same house, he has hardly ever looked after our child, i have done everything for him, i iam the one who has dealt with all the crap which goes with Autism, which he doesn't belive our child has, so 12 consultants are wrong! My life is hell and I am lost as to what to do, think, say, anything. ~I have a solicitor but his parents are writing all of his letters to the solicitor, i have a meeting at mediation tomorrow and i just know that isn't going to work, he is using mind games and saying i am mental, he is reading all sorts of different psychology books, i do feel like i am going out of my head! How can I let him look after a child that he doesn't understand? He won't even give him a hug, or cuddle and went mad when he found out that i had allowed him to have a cuddle in bed with me for 5 minutes the other morning.

Any words of wisdom would be welcomed!

Hi Jo,

That's a pretty complicated and unpleasant situation you find yourself in.
I'm sure other members will be able to give you advice on your legal position.

When I am in a complicated, ever changing, unpleasant situation with nasty folk where I can't work out what on earth to do, I find that taking a position of "passive resistance" or "non-cooperation" works well.
It gives you time to get your thoughts together.

Do not engage with him unless he is calm and willing to be reasonable.
Do NOT leave the family home.
Do not entertain any contact with his parents.
You have already established contact with the police, which is good as you can remind him that he is only adding to his own case notes should he decide to get verbally or physically abusive and that you will involve the police again without hesitation.
Carry on with your life as if he wasn't there.
Sleep in a different room if possible.
Have a drink, yes, but don't get drunk every evening or you will slide into alcoholism and make everything much worse.
Don't make any big decisions unless you are sober, calm and have thought things through.

Meanwhile, consult your solicitor and people on this forum while you slowly put together a sensible exit plan from your marriage.

Hopefully others who have found themselves in a similar situation can give you some first hand advice as to how they coped.

All the best.

LW

I notice your son is autistic. Excuse me for asking but how far along the spectrum is he? Do you think your husband may have autism? From his behaviour and denial of things, it sounds like he may have some of the traits of Aspergers, which is part of the autistic spectrum too.

Thanks for your messages.

Pammy1970
I do belive that my husband has Aspergers, as do some of our son's consultants. I didn't know it when i met him, I just knew he had a "bit" of OCD, now I can say he has a LOT of OCD and definately massive traits of Aspergers I have in the past mentioned this but he just brushes it off and won't admit it, I think even his parents know but having to admit to our son have Autism would then leave them having to admit to their own sons problems! As for how far our son is on the spectrum it depends what day it is and how the wind is blowing, until you open that door in a morning you never know what you are going to be faced with. He is in main stream school which I have fought tooth and nail for and he is thriving well and has lots of friends who take him for who he is as they all started school together. I am so proud of everything he does as i know that even the simplest of things to him is a mountain climbed so every sticker he gets for good work is like winning a gold medal.

Leftwondering
The situation as you say is complicated and unpleasant, we are in separate rooms and as for drink I haven't had a drop since Christmas day and don't intend to until this whole sorry affair is over! Its in the house but I am ignoring it, something which is getting to him because he SO wants me to have a drink and then he has an excuse! His parents are keeping out of the way although I can tell they are watching everything I do, its a bit hard when you only live in a small village to not bump into people.

I had my meeting with the mediator this morning who confirmed what i already knew that probably mediation is NOT going to work.

I have took to writing everything down whether its something he does, says etc, ignoring our son everthing, one day i will make it into a book and pay off my divorce debt!

I just wish i knew when all this was going to finish at least then I would be able to work towards a date, when I was asked this morning where do you see yourself in 6 months, i said, I don't know I can't even tell you where I will be tomorrow! Is this normal? Its like being in an unpleasant dream and you can't wake up and the rollercoaster is going at break neck speed!

I thought he might have it. I have a son with Aspergers and I am sure my stbx has it too. It's quite often hereditary.

I am sure his parents know, and they will be pretty protective of him - probably having to deal with his various issues while growing up.

Been there, still trying to get divorced after what seems like 100 years and I have definitely got the t-shirts!!

Take my advice and keep a diary of everything said and done. I am so glad I did because 5 years down the line I have needed it to refer back to. This is how long my divorce has taken so far. Before that, we were living in separate rooms for about 5 years. His behaviour and obsessions drove me mad!!

Like you, I didn't notice it at first....!!

Just noticed the rest of your post and that you are keeping a book. Very wise! Well done.

Pammy1970

FIVE YEARS!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!! I could have committed murder and got out by then!!!!!!

I can deal with my little boys obsessions but a grown man who does know the difference is not on, his mother definately knows and feeds it. They even told me when my son was younger to lock him in a cupboard and not let him out that way he would come round to the right way of thinking! and HE agreed with them!!!!! That and tellling me that I WANTED something to be wrong with him!

I currently feel like I am trying to divorce the Maffia! not just my husband! he can't do anything without them checking it and redoing it!! They are also going down the line that I am mad! Angry yes, mentally unfit NO! bring it on if you dare!!!!!