Re:Dipping a toe in the water

Fifi100,

I don't think I have come across anybody who has dipped their toe in and out of Wiki over a long period of time. I am so sorry that you find yourself back here but being quite frank with you and I think you may need this, why ohh why ohh why are you putting up with a husband who is staying out all night and does not have the decency to communicate the fact that at least he is safe and in the land of living? Where is he going and who is he with?

Fifi100, no wife/husband or partner in your shoes deserves to be treated with such contempt. It sounds as if he has not the slightest bit of dignity or respect for you as a wife, the mother of his children, a woman or a human being.

Sometimes by facing our biggest fears and actually dealing with them, instead of burying our heads in the sand can be liberating. It is all about the inevitable and having the courage to face the unknown.

You deserve so much better after having 'stood by your man' for so long and going through so much together (there are many of us here that totally do empathise with this) that you have to do what is right and what you know in your heart of hearts will have the best outcome long term. How much more can you put up with? Let me tell you it does not get easier, unless of course he knocks himself out and wakens up with memory loss at to what has been going on and how he has being treating you. Yes well pigs may fly before this will happen.

Fifi100 I wish you well with whatever happens and please do not get me wrong, separation and divorce is not something I would wish upon anyone, but sometimes you just have to face cold hard facts. Sometimes a change is as good as a rest and remember that your children will thank you one day for putting both their's and your own best interests first. Seeing a happy, healthy mother is far better than seeing you stressed out and used and abused emotionally.

Take care for now FoS x

The part that stood out for me in your latest post was that you haven't talked with anyone about this. For me, talking has been key to healing. I have talked with therapists, good friends, work colleagues and complete strangers. One was a lady on a 2 hour flight who would have strangled my wife if she met her after hearing the full story.

Think very carefully about who you talk to and how much of the story you tell them. So many people do not want or need to know too much. I have found great support from certain individuals. The most useful for me are men who have been through similar situations and who care about me. The second category of people that really helped me were the rock solid female friends of my wife. I needed to check with them to ensure I wasn't nuts.

Take good care of yourself.

So he went out last night and didn't come home. We have his brother's birthday party tonight but I can't face going. He came home about 10:30 then said he couldn't go on the way we are. He doesn't think he wants to be in a relationship. He stressed. He's not sleeping he's anxious. He says work is great so it must be us and he's unhappy he's tried to be happy with us but it's all so mundane! I knew it was coming I guess.
I told him I was devastated that I couldn't see how he had been trying (going out getting drunk isn't trying in my book -going away with the lads for a weekend isn't trying) he got upset and said he still loves me and that he will stay. I said I respected him for what he said but that he can't unsay things and undo what has already happened. He said he loves me and will always look after us. I'm in bits. I don't know how I'll get through this. I don't know if it's him I'm upset about or the marriage or our children. I feel so aggrieved that he stays away from us then asks for space and said as much. His answer... He's just trying to do the right thing. Maybe I'm being bitter but I hate him for how he is splintering this family.

Stop focusing on what he said and what he wants and that he's decided to stay (how magnanimous). He says he's not happy but has he bothered about how you feel?

Put your children and yourself first. Yes, ending things is hard, it hurts. But you can and will survive, there are thousands of women who have done just that and rebuilt their lives with or without another partner.

Making the decision is a start.

I appreciate your post. I'm talking to my closest friend about it now. That has helped.

It's just terrifying.

I went to see Relate today for my introductory meeting. I was surprised at how much I got from it.

I realised that as I was talking I sounded almost deluded. I had been to Relate every 4 years during our relationship (so this is my third visit in 10 years!) -for the same reasons.

I saw this on the wall -it made me think and as someone who is finding it difficult to bring a relationship to a close or, accept that this relationship no longer makes anyone happy -and as someone who is finding it hard to realise that I can't change him but I can change where my life heads. Why don't I realise that he can't make me happy anymore but I can?! I think I'm on chapter 3 ;o)

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.


~ Portia Nelson ~


(There's a Hole in My Sidewalk)