Start of a painful journey

After being with my husband for 15 years and having 2 young children he left me in October. I knew things hadn't been great for a while & I actually thought he was having an affair the year previous. After confronting him in September he said he loved me but was not in love with me and it had been like that for about 4 years, very hard to hear when you have a 3 year old. I knew he had feelings for another woman and there were too many things that pointed to an affair but he still denied it. He left on 8th October and in November he confused that things had happened between them, but not until I asked him again after comments mutual friends had made, he'd been caught out. He has confessed his love for her so as far as I can see divorce is now my only option.
It is fair to say that I am bitter at the moment. He has nowhere to have the girls to stay, he is living at his Mum's, well some of the time, and there is no space for them to sleep. He does come up & see them but only if it fits in with his social life. His idea looking after them for a day is to arrive at 10.30am and leave at 4pm, because he has a bowls match in the evening, and I still feed them, this normally happens one day every other weekend. He likes to be seen by everyone as the caring father and the nice guy but they do not see that the girls have to to fit in with his bowls, seeing his new love, meeting up with friends or doing things for everyone else first.
The marriage is definitely over so I am about to start on the awful journey of divorce.

kentmun,

Hello and a very warm welcome to Wiki. As we say a place none of us ever dreamt of landing in, but one of sanctuary and comfort through your difficult times.

This journey of divorce and separation is not one that any of us here would recommend, but a journey that unfortunately has to be made. I am not going to say that it is easy, far from it, but you have to go through the ups and downs, the highs and lows, before things will ever start to become clear for you.

As a parent, your priority will always be your children, they are what you will put one foot in front of the other for, each day. You will be their rock, during what is a very difficult time for not only you and your STBX but your immediate family and friends, colleagues too. Divorce affects a much wider circle than we often realise.

Firstly you have to look after NO 1, you, you have to be able to take time out to allow you to come to terms and grieve the loss of your marriage. For this is the only way I, and so many of us here, can compare a break up of this scale to. It is like a death but with the corpses still walking around.

Your husband, like so many adulterers here, has been in denial about his affair for so long, that he has convinced himself that there never has been an affair, until he has been caught out. Let me tell you they are always caught in the end, no matter how clever they think they are being. Do not allow him to lay blame at your door. Do not believe him when he said he has not loved you for years, that's the oldest trick in the book, they will look to justify their own behaviours and weaknesses in any way that they can. Do not accept total responsibility for his adultery, this is his cross to bear, not yours. Remember there is no excuse for adultery, none whatsoever, just remember when the trust is gone, it is gone.

You have supported him through his choices in life (I understand that completely), i.e. his hobbies etc. What you must do now is build barriers around you that he can not cross. Lay down some ground rules about when he has your children, as hard as it is he is still a parent and should still be responsible for the care of his children. How he manages that in his time now is up to him, but you are entitled to some 'me' time, time to think, digest and to get your ducks in a row.

See a Solicitor if you can and when the time is right then you can go down the legal route. But do not allow him to bully you into making the wrong decisions for your long term future.

Lean on Wiki, read the blogs and replies as well as taking advice in the forum. You will find an unbelievable amount of support and friendship in this virtual world.

Good luck kentmun and take care for now FoS x