Struggling to Cope, Don't know what to do?

Thanks all for your replies.

Does anyone know what the situation is if neither of us could afford to pay off the other one. What options might be raised?

I'd prefer my children to stay in the place they know as home until I can get set again rather than selling and spiltting the proceeds and both of us starting from scratch.

Ideally I'd like to be paid off so I could start afresh with my children somewhere else particularly as some of her liaisons took place in our home.

Also as stated in my previous post are there any pertinent questions I should be asking the solicitors so I don't just waste my 30 mins slot tomorrow.

Hi The end... This is a wrong choice of name. I would say that you should change it. To something like, MyLifeIsAboutToBegin. That is more like what will happen. But I understand thats not how it feels right now...

TheEndIsNigh wrote:
Does anyone know what the situation is if neither of us could afford to pay off the other one. What options might be raised?

What usualy happens in that case is that the property is sold. And the proceeds (what is left and what is also called the equity) is split between you both. Using some magic formula that is ­base­d on who the PWC is (U know what this means now). If you are to both share the PWC role, this will be 50 /50. But this is way down the line. Yr no where near selling up yet and I wouldnt bother getting valuations. But dont let her force you into a 50/50 split. You may end up the PWC (from what you have said) and you will need a bigger chunk. Like 30/70 in yr favour.


I'd prefer my children to stay in the place they know as home until I can get set again rather than selling and spiltting the proceeds and both of us starting from scratch.

Dont sell yrself short. U may struggle on a 50/50 split if you end up with the kids full time. But this sort of talk is a long way off. No one has started divorce proceedings yet.

Ideally I'd like to be paid off so I could start afresh with my children somewhere else particularly as some of her liaisons took place in our home.

Thats fine. But you have to look at it from the kids point of view. They may not want to leave there home and they wont see things as you do. You can always change bedding and furneture. A house is bricks and morture. Lot harder to change this.


Also as stated in my previous post are there any pertinent questions I should be asking the Solicitors so I don't just waste my 30 mins slot tomorrow.

I would focus on the likelyhood of a 70/30 split. Say that you will have the kids. If she defo wants 50/50 then you may have to settle for that. If it really is 50/50 then there is no CM to pay.

Lastly, this is tough. There is no question of that. Lots of us here have suffered a serial cheat. And its not nice when "her indoors" is dropping her underwhere to all and sundry. But thats her problem. Not yrs. U didnt make her do it. She did that all on her own. But do yrself a favour. Dont even think of challenging her about it. Same with some of these guys. Let it go mate. I know its hard to. But you have to. Otherwise she will have a non molestation and Occupation order as quick as you can say, adultery. Then you will be up sh*t creek. So keep calm. No talking. Just go about yr business and see what she does. U never know, she could leave. Which would be the best of all outcomes. But I know that this will hurt you in the short term. V lastly. Keep posting. And remember above all, keep yr cool. C.

Thanks Marshy, were not married just 12 short yrs and 2 kids together.

I'll hopefully change my name one day in the future when the world seems like a place I want to live in again.

Time to check my diary re: time spent looking after my fab little ones if that may help me to get a 4 day 3 day split in my favour as opposed to hers as they will still need their mum massively.

On the house front I guess from what I've read on this site neither of us can force a sale if the other doesn't agree as we are joint tenants even though I paid out my life savings as the deposit (seemed the right thing to do at the time).

Just a quick message of support, really. My ex seemed to put everything into her career and studies too, also hoping to get that big posh job. In the end she did it, and that was when the rot started to set in. I work in a different field completely to her, and she started to look down her nose at me, denigrating what I close to do (career wise) with my life.

It look me a bit of time for me to realise this, but the view of the world that my ex had wasn't going to make her happy. Jobs, at the end of the day, are just jobs - relationships, especially with kids, are what makes the world go round.

In all likelyhood, you'll end up in a much better place emotionally than your ex ever was or ever will be. She's made her choices, and she'll have to live with the consequences but you can sleep with your conscience clear. That is something which you can't put a price on.

You're going to go through all different stages of emotion. I felt like I was going crazy for much of the time, but this is just a part of going through a process of healing from what has happened.

Look after you first, and that means you can look after your kids as best as you can.

It's great that you're going to get a consultation session, this means that you're wrestling back some control. Good on you. Ask things about charges and costs. When it comes to solicitors, go with gut feeling and recommendations as opposed to how glitzy they look.

Also, take you own time over things, and do you own thing, i.e. go get your own house valuations if it comes to that. My ex talked the estate agents down on price so she could get a better deal in her favour.

Good luck! And often the best advice comes from this site. So many passers by are impartial and are not connected to and solicitors services that are advertised here.

Best,
JJ

Thanks JJ I can certainly see some similarities with your situation.

I do feel at times like I'm going completely nuts then at other times life just goes on when I can keep busy enough to keep my mind off it.

My job is a means to an end, it pays the bills and has a degree of flexibilty which is gr8 for the little ones. All I ever wanted was to be a great Dad giving my children a happy stable home to grow up in which sadly was not the case for me growing up. I can't get my head around going home and waking up and not being able to see my little ones everyday

I've held my hands up and admitted that I should have paid her more attention and showed her more affection but this was sadly lost admist the grind while she undertook her studies where we both allowed time and money to get in the way of enjoyment and sharing our lives.

During her studies she got pregant a 3rd time and as we were not in a good place with our relationship we decided rightly or wrongly to abort. This has been a massive stumbling block for her as she is ridden with guilt.
Whatever choice she made I stated I would back it and love the child just as our other two.
But as I wasn't aware of the fact she had an ongoing affair at the time it feels so unfair for this to be held against me as I'm not 100% sure it would have been mine.

I've given her a lot of lee way ­base­d on her terrible upbringing which seems to be why she favours our son and done all I can to smooth the way for her while she completed her studies and started working. This included going to her Grad Ball with the fella she'd been seeing sitting yards away from me.

I feel so used, angry, confused, and like its only going to get worse before it gets better.

I write on here and it just comes out with probably not a lot it making much sense, sorry and now its time to go home, put on my happy face for the children and try to get through another night with next to no sleep.

It all makes perfect sense to us because we know the words - the ­script­ is the same, the p­layer­s are different that's all.

We've felt the same emotions and turmoil, so we know where you're coming from.

Work secures your future and that of your children, so it's right for you to prioritise that. It also occupies your mind.

Make the children your priority and you won't go far wrong.

Had a lovely time putting the children to bed then it was time for another amicable chat.

A couple more valuations in suggesting much lower asking prices hence the current offer is I leave with £XXXX with the promise I can take what I like from the house apart from the white goods.

Yippee, I can have the sofa, table and chairs, tv but oh wait...if I do that where will my children sit and how can they watch CBeebies and where would i put them as I wouldn't have a home and would need probably a couple of yrs to save up for a deposit all whilst wasting money on rent.

I have to be reasonable don't I and accept that I should move out as my mum has space to house me after all and she doesn't have the money so I can't have as much money as I'd like.

She's off to her solicitors again tomorrow spending our money probably to claim I'm not being amicable and reasonable as logically for her I should leave as I have a place to go to.

It does make sense to me to do this in her case as the longer I stay the worse things will get, plus we need to be away from each other and she promises to be fair!

Or do we try to sell the house and split the proceeds accordingly if we can both agree should an offer come in which in the current mkt would probaly be the worst thing for the little ones.

Also had the first threat of her taking the children for the majority of the time with the imtimation that I should be thankful for what is currently being offered and if I don't agree then she'll offer less & less.

The simple facts seem to be neither of us can afford any legal fees or to pay the other party off. So my choice today, but maybe not tomorrow, is either accept whats on offer and leave with an agreement I have the children 3 days a week.

Or take a chance on selling the house which would probably leave me worse off further still with her in the same boat and children lose their home?

Rock & hard place eh?

How can I resolve this? I can't afford solicitors?