Struggling to Cope, Don't know what to do?

My world was turned upside down 14mths ago when my partner of 12 yrs, told me she was leaving me. We have 2 small children.

12 mths ago I discovered the worst that she had been having an on/off affair since 2009. Worse still I'm sure of 2 other affairs and possibly more.

Call me stupid but I've tried everything to make it work as I love her and can't bear the thought of losing her or my wonderful children.

Probably through guilt she has half heartedly on & off tried to make things work for the last 12 mths, where I and other family members were starting to think it might work out. She says guilt was the reason she gave me a good birthday and the family a good Xmas but 2012 dawned and bang she wants to split again as she simply doesn't love me and hasn't for a long time.

All I ever wanted was to be a great dad and give my children a happy home which I missed out on.

How do you go on when the things you cherish most in the world look like they are going to be taken away from you?

Sorry that you find yourself here, but there's a lot of people who will be really able to understand your situation.

My own situation was that ex wanted out after 11 years, which was something that totally floored me. The early days are really hard to get through, since there's this big sense of 'is this really happening to me?' Going through divorce is like a real grief, and it takes time and effort to get through to the other side.

The first and the most important thing to do is to look after yourself as best as you can. Post here again and again for support - the people here are amazing.

Best,
JJ

I've tried everything possible to make things work getting her to go to relate but you could tell she wasn't interested.

When I found out about the affairs I felt such a fool, and that she betrayed our family, anger, rage, used and that I just wanted to give her a hug and say we can sort things out.

I suppose I was a fool for thinking I could make it work after this. I've always suffered from low self esteem and now it's rock bottom.

She has spent the last three years studying, becoming a first class student and lover of fellow students to get the career she wants and has now landed her dream job. Next on her list is to get the house and 50/50 with the children as to qoute she thinks "they are not as important as her career" and she knows her career would have to be put on hold if she took them full time and also I seriously doubt she could cope.

The things swirling around in my head are crazy at times.

Do I name and shame her antics?

Am I allowed to kick her out of the house?

Do I have it out with one of her lovers whose front door I can see evrytime I drive into work?

Do I accept the terms she's offering which means me leaving the house with a payoff?

It all seems so in her favour and that I can't win no matter what I do.

Although I understand the feelings, naming and shaming is pointless. Name and shame to whom? What difference does it make?

Legally, unless she is a threat to you, you cannot kick her out of her own home.

What do you mean by "have it out?" Have a row? Have a fight? For whose benefit?

As for the house - its a bit complicated because I think you aren't married, so you'd need legal advice about it. If its jointly owned, she cannot sell it without your consent.

The most important people in this are the children. I suggest if you focus on them you will realise that naming and shaming their mum, or having a fight with her lover isn't in their best interests. Making a fair split and staying amicable over childcare arrangements is. It isn't easy, but it is the best you can do for them.

Do I name and shame her antics?

Am I allowed to kick her out of the house?

Do I have it out with one of her lovers whose front door I can see evrytime I drive into work?

Do I accept the terms she's offering which means me leaving the house with a payoff?

It all seems so in her favour and that I can't win no matter what I do.

No you can't unless she has been abusive to you and/or the kids, but its not so easy.

No what would you achieve by it apart from potentially a police record for harassment/GBH

No you don't simply accept her terms. The final resolution may be that you move out with a payoff but that's down the line a little. DO NOT MOVE OUT

For the moment you need to get your head together a little so do not make any desicions now.
You need to gather as much information as you can regarding what possible financial outcomes could be. In every situation there are going to be a number of outcomes. What are the possibilities of you becoming the PWC for the children, if you have been their main carer. For the moment you need to keep calm and not get drawn into any arguments. Keep a diary of your time with the children and what you do with/for them.
Focus on keeping yourself up together and the children well looked after.

Take care
LB

Thanks LB. Why do you state DO NOT MOVE OUT pls and what is PWC?

We are at the stage where she is getting valuations to workout how much she'll need to pay me off. The outcome of which will no doubt be she can't afford to pay me off so will I accept less?

Answer NO; as if I accept less it'll take me years to build up a deposit again before I can buy again to give my little ones a home.

It's so hard when I consider all the effort I put into our home to just let it go although a fresh start does appeal as the house no longer feels like a home I want to be in.

I'm at a solicitors for a free 30 min session on Thurs. Any suggestions as to the questions I should be asking?

Hi TheEndIsNigh,

If you move out the first thing you'll be proving is that you can live somewhere else without needing to have the house sold, the second thing is that you'll begin to lose contact with the kids. These are just two reasons.

She wants out, let HER move out.

PWC = Parent With Care of the children.

She doesn't love you, OK - she's thought about this and wants to leave. You need time to think this over and get your head together. Don't be rushed into her timescale.

Good Luck!

YA