Hi Im newly separated and very scared

Hi

My husband left me out of the blue approx 3 weeks ago after being together 18 years. He had told me approx 2 weeks before Christmas he wasn't sure of his feelings for me anymore and that he was developing feelings for someone who works for him. He wanted us to work through this (I was gobsmacked as never knew anything was wrong) issue. After 10 days he had totally changed his tune and said he had been really stupid it was me he wanted to be with, couldn't bear to think of a future without me.

I even sat him down News Year Day and said if this is not what you want then you had better go now, New Year, new start etc.

We went out for an evening to London, stayed overnight with our 15 year old son, had a fabulous time, came home on the Sunday was sitting down working out what to have for dinner when he said he couldn't stay, didn't know what he was doing, he wasn't with me mentally and so packed a case and left.

Since then he has changed so much I don't recognise him at all. He stayed in a hotel for a few days then got himself a flat locally so he could stay in touch with our son. He is 43 and has now decided he wants laser eye surgery as glasses make him look old! He has become very me, me me. Doesn't care about anyone else

Our son is devastated and going through GCSEs at the moment so not the best timing, although when is!. They have texted back and forth but things escalated on Sunday when my son was on Facebook and realised that he had added one of his female employees 13 year old daughter. Sam started asking if this is the person he is developing feelings for. Husband immediately became defensive and evasive and wouldn't answer the questions. Instead simply said woman was a good friend as are the other people around him who have always been there for him. Which is rubbish he has never had a good work for most of these people before now.

Sunday ended with him telling our son not to contact him anymore and me being moaned at for not having control of our son! At 15 years old he is not stupid!

I can't believe this has happened at all, we had so many dreams and hopes together, I had been his support for years and the previous year had nursed him through renal cancer. He told everyone I was his rock and he couldn't have got through it all without me.

Im just trying to be strong for my son and to get through this.

Thanks for reading

Lee

Welcome. This is the place none of us want to be, but it's a good place nevertheless. Here you will find people who know exactly what you are going through. We are here to be exploited for support and advice.

Firstly you are in shock, so you need to give yourself a bit of a breathing speace before you make any long term decisions. Make sure you look after yourself.

Secondly when you feel able start exploring this site. Ask questions in the forums, rant or diarise in a blog, pop into chat for adult company from people who understand.

You will find that no matter how unique your situation is, it will nevertheless follow a pretty standard pattern.

The cheater is almost always unahppy within him/herself and believes that a new relatiosnhip will somehow make them happy. It may do for a little while but since it does not answer the fundamental problem, the chances are that they will sooner or later find the grass isn't greener.

The cheater will feel guilty but will be unable to admit it, so will seek to justify his/her actions by blaming their spouse. The history of your life together will be re-written. A little way down the line the nastines will be replaced by a wide eyed innocent 'We've been together so long, we should be friends'. He won't understand why you find this offensive (as if you would choose your friends amongst liars and cheats!). At some stage he may even want to come back. You will be only person who knows whether you can forgive the betrayal; some of us do, only to find the pattern gets repeated.

Laser eye surgery to look younger! How ridiculous (obviously the new one is a younger model). You are controlling your son's reaction - well of course you must be, because your stbx is never going to admit to being at fault and can't cope with his guilt so seeks an alternative explanation for events.

Stay strong.

Sigh. The stories all sound so similar. Pixy is right in what to get ready for. You'll likely hear how he never loved you, how it's all your fault. You'll also hear him rewrite the history you two had together. his reality will be so different than yours.

In my case my wife's self esteem is so low and her self loathing so high that I just have to shake my head. I am still very angry and what she has done and how she did it but nine months later I am getting used to it.

so many people hear have said they don't recognize their spouse. I agree. If someone had told me a year ago that I would be going through this I would have said no way. But I'm here.

The message is take care of yourself. Don't buy into his stories or version of events. Focus on you and your son. Get a lawyer and understand your rights.

It'll get better but it will take time and a lot of support.

Lee,
So sorry to hear your circumstances, it's always so hard when such things happen. But know one thing. Using this website will prove to be a fantastic resource and forum for help and support. There are some great people out there happy to help and advise.

So be strong, use this forum and don't start to blame yourself or accept the things your ex will inevitably accuse you of!

Take care!

Hi Leemd
I'm so sorry that you have found yourself joining us - but I'm glad you found us. Pixy has at least warned you about the pitfalls to come - you have our support. You will still be in shock. What the hell happens to these people? Look after yourself. The pain can be excruciating and you think you won't survive - but you will - one breath at a time.

Hi Lee
I am going through exactly the same thing and am at the beginning of it too. Much love to you and you son Lottie

(((Lee))

I know you are still reeling from shock, but as other posters have said, your story is all too familiar.

My ex suddenly started staying out at weekends, allegedly sleeping off what he'd drunk with his rugby cronies. He also started buying clothes that were much younger than he'd previously bought. I thought it was just an attempt to recapture lost youth and said nothing - but he became very bad-tempered with me and our teenage sons and after a few months I asked him to leave. He said he'd go after our elder son had done his GCSEs. While we were pretending things were normal (I'm sure in retrospect my sons had a good idea what was going on) ex finally admitted he was having an affair and left to live with his girlfriend.

He seemed to be a totally different person. I'm not sure if they change because they are having an affair, or that they act as though we are bad to justify themselves and avoid guilt - or whether because we're so blindly trusting we assume they are better people than they really are.

Anyway once I realised my ex was too cowardly to just tell me his feelings had changed towards me and left it to me to ask him to go etc so I was the bad guy, it was much easier to get over him going. It wasn't really easy, it was painful as hell, but it did get better thanks to this site and my friends and family.

Feel free to rant on here. Make sure you try to sleep (hot drinks and baths help), eat soups and yoghurts if you don't feel you can face food. Focus on being the stable one for your son. And always plan something to look forward to, even if its just a hot chocolate in front of a fave tv programme. It does help.