My name says it all.

I've been lurking here for some months, reading posts and advice, afraid to join, because that means it's definitely happening to me.

I'm currently divorcing my husband of 30+ years for adultery (his choice to have a divorce). Sadly, not the first time it happened: the first time I took him back because I wanted to make it work, and I wanted our kids to have a complete family. And now.....he's found someone else....pursued her through a social networking site, carrying on an afair for 2 years, denying it and making excuses until I felt I was actually going mad, and has now left for the happily ever after I thought we'd have. He planned it all carefully, biding his time, and using me until it suited him to leave. There's definitely no way back from this: he doesn't want it, and I know I couldn't live with the uncertainty and lack of trust for the rest of my life.

My head tells me he's behaved despicably, but my heart is broken. He treats me with indifference or aggression, like an unwanted stranger, which is so hard to deal with. Our kids (all adults) won't speak to him or have any other contact, and tell me I'm being too soft with him, and it hurts so much to see their relationship burnt to dust for the new woman.

My family have been incredibly supportive, but I don't really have many friends as my family has always been the be-all and end-all of my life. My daughter is still at home, trying to find her feet after graduating, but I worry that I'm becoming a bit of a burden to her. We get on really well, but she has to have a life of her own, not spend all her time worrying about me.

Financially, it'll be a struggle, and I feel bitter that he'll be comfortable living with his new partner, with no financial worries, and that her children and grandchildren will benefit from what we've lost. He seems indifferent to the need for our family to have a home, and suggested that I sell our FMH and move into a rented flat. I know our children aren't dependants, but I feel they deserve a home to come back to.

I read here again and again that time is a healer and that what doesn't break you makes you stronger, but I feel broken and I'd just like to turn the clock back to the time when I thought we had a future. I don't know how to deal with this without becoming a bitter wreck. And I want my kids to respect me for dealing with it well, and to be able to trust other people. But how can that happen? I've followed much of the advice here about minimum contact etc, but I don't feel I'm moving on. Any help gratefully received.

Welcome. Sometimes I think us oldies should form a special group; it's difficult to believe that after 30 years everything can just implode. But it does and in the end we do get through it.

At the moment you are are still in shock, so the important thing is to look after yourself. As for the money... Well the first thing to do - when you are up to it - is to search the site for advice on possible outcomes. Post the length of your marriage, whether you have dependant children, your ages, assets, liabilities, incomes and pension arrangements and someone will give you a steer.

But don't take any decisions yet - you are probably still too fragile to do so. Do your research first, don't agree to to his demands. He can ask for everything; he won't get it.

In the meantime join us in chat, write a blog, take advantage of us. Whether our marriages lasted 2 years or 30, we've all been there, we all know just what you are going through.

Take care.

Hi,
Just wanted to say welcome.
As Pixy says, search the site for possible outcomes. I have found the more information i have the stronger i feel. Information is power and it does wipe the smile off their face.
Take care of yourself and keep posting

So sorry this is happening to you. It is very common and you're not alone. Be ready for lots of blame from your spouse. It will be all your fault. Know that no matter what you did to contribute to the state of the marriage it was not your fault he decided to have an affair.

Be careful not to use your kids as a therapist. They need to know that you're going to be fine. You will be. You'll get through this stronger.

Take good care!

Welcome Reeling. It is so difficult after many years with someone to try to understand how they can change into a complete stranger. At the moment you have to try not to analyze it all (easier said than done) because it makes no sense. Just take small steps at the moment. Wish I could be more help.xxx

I am reading a book called Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark - it is really helpful and is actually spot on with everything she says (was recommended by someone on this site)
It might help you put things into perspective and realise that there are different stages you will go through (I am floating between stages 4 to 5 of 7 & its only been 4 months separation for me - thought I would still be at stage 1)There is still a long way to go - for both of us I imagine so keep your chin up - dont let him get you down - he's not worth it - your better than that!!

Just to add my recommendation to the book 'Runaway Husbands' and to say that you are not alone how you are feeling. I'm a 32 year married 'golden oldie' too. I'm 14 months down the line but still no finances sorted. I am getting stronger though, and much of it is through all the sound advice I've got from this site.

Take your time, look after yourself and don't be rushed into making decisions. Do you research and take baby steps - you'll not resolve everything at once. Sounds so daft me saying all this when I lie awake not sure what to worry about first!