Bipolar seperation

Hi
I've just discovered this wonderful site,& wondered if anyone can help & to intoroduce myself. I've been married for 10 years & now live in Finland with my husband & 2 children 3 & 5. My husband has Bipolar disorder & can't work & most of the time refuses to get out of bed, & is in a dissociated state, frankly he couldn't care if we have a roof over our heads & food on the table. I've had enough & want to return to UK with our children, but feel guilty but as his family constantly tell me how kind he is, but I haven't seen evidence of that for years, & find it hard coping with everything alone with no support from my husband. I am worried that i won't be able to move home as in finish law it's 50 50 custody, even with bipolar when he can't feed himself let alone the children.

Sorry this is rather long, but any support appreciated.

Emkat

My husband had a psychiatric illness a few years ago and I had the option to leave but didn't. I wish I had - he recovered - to a fashion but was never the man I married again. The marriage has finally broken down again, but only after we have made each other (and my two children) unhappy for much longer than necessary.

Mental illness is as damaging for the carer as the sufferer, don't make the mistakes I did, put yourself as the top priority and argue the case through the courts about custody, you may regret the lost years if you don't!

Best of luck

Welcome to Wiki emkat, sorry you find yourself here but glad you found it none the less.
You must be an incredibly strong person to have moved away overseas and supported your husband all this time as well as juggling life and the kids.
My advice to you would be to stop feeling guilty for your husband's condition and do what is best for you and the kids, he sounds like he need professional help and you can't be expected to carry on whilst he lies in bed.
I wish you well and keep logging on for support and advice.
Chris.

Hi emkat,

A minor point, perhaps. Do the words "In sickness and health" bring back any memories?

Sorry to put that at the start - yet none of us here know how long your husband has been bi-polar, etc. Was it something you knew? Many questions to ask yourself there.

As to the practicalities, I sense that as you have decided, then it's what/where is the best place to make the request for the divorce. Clearly a lot more complicated if your husband is Finnish. However, I suspect (no lawyer me) that you can apply for a divorce and financial settlement in the UK. The issue - how much of it can be enforced in Finland.

I think that unless you have lived with someone with mental health problems it is very hard to understand what it can be like.

In my case I stuck with it for years because my view was simple. I stood in church, I made a promise, I have to stick with it.

But in the end (after 15+ years) it was not about the effect on me; it was what it was doing to the children that broke it. They could not invite friends home; saw things I wish they had not and carried the burden of their father's problems because he gave it to them to carry.

In court it was implied that I knew what I was taking on (alcoholic depressive). I did not. I had the optimism of youth, no experience of mental health issues and certainly no idea I was marrying an alcoholic. Had I know what my life would be like I hope I would have thought twice about it.

As it is, I have my three wonderful (if messy) children who seem remarkably balanced despite everything, my sanity is intact - although there were times I feared I too would go under and my happiness (and theirs) is no longer dependent on someone else's state of mind.

I am afraid I cannot help re Finnish Law and children. Are you both English? Could you divorce under English Law? Would that make a difference?

It does sound like his illness is very poorly controlled. It sounds to me like he needs better psychiatric support because bipolar can be managed and maybe then you would get nack the person you married? Is it worth contacting an organisation like SANE for example for some support and advice?

Hadenoughnow

Thanks to all of you for your replies & support. My husband it indeed finish & has been receiving treatment for his bipolar for 3 years, I didn't know what i was getting into when we married but always knew his was slightly odd but put that down to being Finish! I've tried to work on things but it's the effect on the children that scares me most, & lack of help from his psychiatric team they just say 'wait!'. But I will look into all your suggestions & take time making a decision, as i & i'm sure all of you took the marriage vows seriously.

thanks again.
emkat.

Dear Emkat

Welcome to wiki firstly even tho its not the best circumstances.
Just wanted to say that no one here can actually judge you cos they don't know what it is like to be a full time carer for someone with mental illness.
I really sympathise with your situation, if he's been treated for 3 years already, it sounds like you have stuck in there and tried your best.However at some point one has to think about preserving the self too...and also the effect on the kids.
If your husband is this disabled by his condition is there any chance he would forfeit his 50/50 right to custody?
Anyway, best of luck with this.
lovelorn
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