Obsessive behaviour

Does anyone have any idea why some STBX'S are so obsessed with their STBX'S?

I am a loss to understand why this happens. Ideas anyone?

It's about possession. They tried and did possess in the relationship. Even though they maybe dont want that person they still want to possess. Possession is either power or their grip on reality.

Yup, makes sense! But why won't they let go? If someone didn't want me then I would go, whats the point in staying?

Well my two cents is that there are several classes or types of this behavior...

Initially if you get told you're no longer needed, you're searching for answers as to why. I can understand a stbx searching for answers in what their other stbx is doing. for a while at least.

Later on - after some time, maybe shorter for some longer for others, a second class or type of this characteristic may be fear of the unknown where the only thing you can "control" for lack of a better word is some knowledge of what the other party is doing, however useless that information may be. It may be clingy looking, but it's that first person still trying to get over the situation by trying to "hold on".

Anything beyond that though may be stalking or just wanting to be vindictive & gossipy. I don't see how it can help you heal by dragging back out what your other ex is doing at any point -after- a divorce except with some context as it relates to kids.

If there's some problem, you need third party help if you haven't already gotten it. If there's no problem with the ex's lifestyle, trying to monitor them at that point is just... indicating you may need to talk to a third party to get over it.

I don't think it's a trivial question although it seems like sometimes people are just being clingy. I dated a girl once who - when we broke up - truely stalked me and it scared the willies outta me!

I think it's easier (for want of a better word) to stop loving someone than it is to stop caring about someone, at least in the case of someone whose husband/wife is having an affair/leaving them. For those who are on the other side of the fence, I think they WANT their STBX to still want them and pine for them, and that this is part of the attraction of the whole thing - being loved by two people, having someone fight over them, etc Not very good or valuable reasons I'll grant you, but I think they're a part of all this

I'm assuming the original poster means the stbx who has ended the marriage being obsessed?

I can understand realdad's point about the stbx who has beenn suddenly LEFT and how they would feel obsessive (at least I have, it's a huge attitude adjustment and takes time to move on).

But Sun13's take on it makes more sense to me ­base­d on my first sentence above. I also think it may be a little bit of immaturity in there somewhere as well - my stbx and I haven't had any personal contact since he left. Some friends pointed out the fact that it would probably be one of the highlights of his life knowing that two women wanted him at the same time! lol. Don't want his head to get any bigger than it already is.

In my first relationship (long-term, two year boyfriend/girlfriend, lived together), things were really rocky and I tried many times to end the relationship. When he started seeing someone else, it didn't hurt at all because I really wanted out...but for months after we separated, he stalked me by phone and in person - seems like he wanted both of us and I needed legal help to get him to stop...he truly wanted his cake and to eat it too!

ldg wrote:
Does anyone have any idea why some STBX'S are so obsessed with their STBX'S?

I am a loss to understand why this happens. Ideas anyone?

I was asking generally but my situation is that I have petitioned my husband, tried two years ago but he was so controlling and I just couldn't see it through. I knew this time I must do it. Have had to move out and have been for 7 months but he is always driving past the house where I am living, appears from nowhere it seems at the park where I walk the dogs, even sat in a neighbours drive for over an hour just watching the house, parking next to me in the supermarket etc. I just ignore him but it is sad to see that he isn't moving on at all and just won't accept the divorce. He met me in the park last week and asked me if I was sure I wanted to carry on with the divorce.

In the past I have sat and talked to him to try to help him but each time I have had a Solicitor's letter over something I have said but which has been twisted so I no longer talk to him.

He is usually a private person but ist telling anyone who will listen loads of lies to gain sympathy. Very embarrassing for me but I have no choice in the matter.

I think I can understand the hurt but surely he must realise by now that I am moving on. What makes people go into denial, I just don't understand. All that he is doing is making life so much harder for himself and I fear that he will in fact, ruin the rest of his life. He can't see any positives, only negatives. Any advice would be welcome, I need to understand.