How DO the kids feel?

I have an 11 and 7 year old. I divorced their mother after I found out she was playing away. The 7 year it seems pretty much to go over her head, the 11 year old when I ask how she feels its 'ok' and she changes the subject. I ask if her mother talks about what happened between us and she says no. My concern is two fold either she doesn't care which would be a worry or shes bottling it up. There is no way her mother will OK councelling I have no idea on how to approach this. Anyone have any practical experience in this, dad divorced mum, two girls 7 and 11, dad lives in rented sh8t hole while their mother lives in FMH.
Thank you

Yes in divorce they say things have to be done in the best interest of the kids which means done to their practical needs feed. clothed, housed etc (in some case not even this) but not the emotional side.

I look back and see in many ways the kids were on their own, I was in deep shock my ex focusing on getting shot of me and supporting her lover to get shot of his pregnant partner. They were doing overtime in the plotting and scheming department.

The kids had to deal with the atmosphere in the house for 5 months till I left, deal with me leaving, deal with her lover moving in, deal with his kids spending time there and my ex taking a constant stream of lodgers in too and friends, neighbours rallied around the happy couple swallowed their lies and everything thing was great upbeat and "normal" so yes I think the kids felt very alone indeed.

Your ex will not talk about it she has had an affair and told lies so I guess there will be a lot of things she would feel uncomfortable about.

Talking to your daughter or suggesting counselling will be seen as creating trouble, that you daughter is OK and it is you that has the problem not her and you need the counselling. Been there myself my ex would go though a long "happy list" "I am happy the kids are happy your a sad bitter old man you are making them unhappy" and threaten to pull contact as I was not in a fit state to have contact with them.

Older kids figure out want has happen they will not talk about kids see there parents as Gods and so a fall from grace will effect them.

What to do I realised I could no wined the clock back, and could not make everything better and I had no control over the kids when with ex. It was a bit liberating.

I focus on supporting the kids the best I can when with me.

Take care

Tension and anger between parents, not the actual divorce, can put your children at serious risk. Whatever you decide to do to help your children, bear in mind their age and the level of understanding. It is better for the children if they are made aware their parents are talking about a divorce. Parents can give their children time to discuss their feelings. They can suggest positive ways to handle feelings. If children have difficulty talking with their parents, encourage them to confide in another trusted adult such as a relative, family friend, teacher, or guidance counselor.

My Wife, who wants the divorce continually says our 6 years "will cope fine".

I know that there tends to be a disparity between the party who wants the divorce and the one who doesn't in terms of how this will affect their kids.

I was 11 months old when my folks divorced and so have zero memory of ever living as a family with them...it still affected me throughout my school years, wishing I had the "normal family" my friends had.

As it happens my grandparents were good parents, but it still didn't stop the secret desire to have a mum and dad type set up.

My son has no memories of life other than me, mum and him and isn't aware yet of what is going to happen re mummy and daddy not living together.

When I have corrected her and said there is no way you can be sure this wont affect our son (I am a really hands on dad and very close to me son) she has said thats rubbish.

However she does when we explain to him we are not goingt to live together want me to tell him its a joint decision. Its not a pride thing, more that I dont ever want my son to think I didn't want to be with him every day(I need to be with him as much as I need blood in my body). When I ask why, she says he might resnet her later in life for ending the marriage.... When he's older he will find the truth out eventually I guess and then wonder why both of lied to him?

MY son is my No1 priority in life(Was my wife as well but if I am not to be with her, I need to think of him).

What is the truth re affects of divorce and how do we deal with it? Should I go along with my wife and lie to him about the split?

I don't think you need to say it is a joint decision,necessarily. This coms back to focussing on the child, rather than on the two of you.

It may be that the talk you have with him needs to be more along the lines of "Mummy and Daddy aren't in love any more / aren't going to live together anymore but we both love you lots and lots and it not your fault or becasue of anything you did( a lot ofchildren elive that they have somehow caused their parents to break up - if they've been naughty, or had an argument or anything of that kind in the days leading up to being told - it'simportnat to reassure them that that isn't the case)

You and your wife need to have discussed what the arrangmetns for your son will be, whether it's shared care or some other arrangemet, so you can go on to tell him what will happen next - again, you can try to put a positive spin on this, e.g. talking about having fun chosing colours/furniture for his new bedromm in your/his mums/both new houses and both of you speaking positively about the time he will have with each of you.


If you can afford it, and your wife is willing, you might find it useful to arrange a few sessions with a family thrapist, who can help you to agree on how to present it to your son, and may also be able to priovide him with some support if he needs it in coping with the news.

thats good advice and If my wife was acting in my sons interests

Unfortunatly she wants to use my son as financial leverage.

I have been the main carer but she is willing to go for primary residency(This means her mum will have him half the week in reality) to secure the house.

I never bad mouth her, in fact I am possibly over the top positive because non of this is his fault....She even out loud said "Icouldn't be with him everyday".

I want to make him know that daddy loves him and wants to be with him everyday...I could claim for main residency...but then I'm the bad guy


My main question is what are the effects, regardless of councelling(My sons school provides this FOC as i asked around) and is my wife right that as a 6 year old he will not be affected by the split as its the best age for him for us to divorce???

After reading quite a few of these messages, I am very sad at how much anger and hatred there is towards ex's. I know that there is a lot of hurt and betrayal as part of a relationship break-up and I want to tread carefully here...but I believe the best thing for you and the children is to forgive your ex, no matter how badly he/she has treated you.

I understand that this is extremely difficult. But by forgiving, you will be free... to move on and to encourage your children's relationship with their other parent (unless of course it is a dangerous one or abusive one). Try to remember that you used to love that person and although they have hurt you, they still have some positive traits/characteristics/skills/relationships otherwise you would not have fallen in love with them. They must still have SOME redeeming feature(s)and even if you can't speak positively about them right away in front of the children, at least try and keep your negative comments/attitudes away from them.

Obviously, this forum is a great place to share your heart, but I really believe that the more you go over the way someone has hurt you in your mind, the more ingrained it becomes in your psyche and then into your speech and actions. Try to see things from your ex's point of view and especially your children's point of view. It hurts them when you hate your ex and as many have already said, they catch on to much more than we think they do.

To help our children deal with the pain of divorce, we have to deal with it ourselves first by forgiving and also admitting that it is not all the other person's fault.

I had been married for 7 rs and had a 4 yr old daughter, when my STBX told me he no longer wanted to be married to me. 4 yrs on and we have just begun the divorce process. It was obviously extremely painful at the beginning and I went through the whole range of emotions like I'm sure you all have, but I have now come to see that I was not the perfect wife and he often found it v. difficult to be married to me. I was willing however to work on it and try to change, but he had already decided it was over and I couldn't really change his mind. He fell in love with another woman and was fantasising about being with her for a couple of years. He has not acted on what he said he wanted to do ie. get a divorce. So I have finally had to do it, even though I don't agree and think our relationship could still work.
But with God's help, I have forgiven him and we have fairly amicable relations and our daughter...now 7, seems to be coping very well.

So PLEASE, for your children's sake, don't hate your ex. Try to remember that it takes 2 to make a relationship work and 2 to break it down. None of us have been perfect spouses and we all mess things up. Try to forgive and try to see them the way you used to see them(albeit without the romance). Try to help your children to love their mum and dad as much as possible without using them as a go between.

I'm sorry for the mini-sermon but I have heard so many people completely vilifying their ex and no one should have so much hatred for another human, simply because it hurts the hater more than the hated and only serves to hurt those who love the hated (ie. children, grandparents, siblings, etc...).

I'm expecting a lot of negative responses to this post, but I only want to encourage people to be free of hatred. It does nothing but destroy.