How DO the kids feel?

Hi Cosmopolitan,

What you write is all well and good and the ideal to strive for. I disagree with you when you imply that if you haven't forgiven your ex it means you must hate them. I don't hate my ex, I don't care enough to do that, but I have not forgiven her.

When you write, "forgive your ex, no matter how badly he/she has treated you" you write about a specific past event or series of events.

Unfortunately there are some people whose abuse of their partner/wife/husband is continuous. In particularly nasty or long-term cases self-harm seems to be more of an option than forgiveness because the latter would just allow the abuse to continue while the former might bring help - and in the case of suicide, finally put and end to the continuous abuse.

This isn't drama, this is real life. By all means forgive if you can, but more importantly, talk. Talk to you ex, keep communication lines open, keep a diary, copy emails, tape conversations (with their knowledge) if you have to, but talk.

Forgiveness is a luxury item not everyone can afford.

Thanks for having the guts to put what you feel is right on the board!

Good luck!

YA

Thanks for your response, Young Again. it's good to be able to have a discussion about these things.

I agree, that forgiveness is much more difficult when the bad treatment is ongoing. And I also agree with you (and did not mean to imply)that just because you haven't forgiven someone means that you hate them.

But people also misunderstand true forgiveness.
1.It is NOT saying that it's ok if people hurt you. In fact it's the opposite...it's saying you have hurt me and I am in a lot of pain but I will forgive you anyway.

2.Forgiveness does NOT mean you allow the abuse to continue. You do everything in your power to stop it from happening both to yourself and to anyone else in the power of the abuser.

3.Forgiving does NOT mean letting them off the consequences either, by all means report their behaviour to authorities, remove yourself from the situation and again, do whatever you can to stop it from carrying on.

4.It does NOT mean forgetting they did it, who can do that?
5.Forgiveness is NOT ignoring what they did and trying to carry on as before pretending it never happened.The abuser/one who hurt you should be faced if possible and told how they have damaged you/your children.

But forgiveness is really something which happens in your own heart when you choose to stop feeling bitter and angry towards the person who hurt you. It means choosing not to dwell on it and go over and over in your mind and conversations how horrible the person is and what they have done to you and what punishment they deserve.
In doing that, you are continuing to allow that person power over you and allowing them to dictate how you feel and behave.
If you can, and I know this is also v. difficult, tell the person you have forgiven them.
Controversial, I know, but there is something incredibly powerful in doing this which is actually more effective in helping the other person to change as well as yourself.

There is also the fact that none of us are perfect and we all do things that hurt others, intentionally or unintentionally. I don't know about you, but when I have hurt someone, I hope that they can forgive me. So I feel I should extend the same grace to them that I want for myself.
As a Christian, I believe that God (as well as other people)have forgiven me for a mountain of things that I have done wrong...selfishness, greed, anger, lies, lust, cruelty, rudeness, injustice...as well as all the things I haven't done right...looking after the poor, sick and needy, not being a good worker, friend, parent, sibling, etc... the list is LONG. So If God can forgive me all of that, then I can and must forgive other people when they do one or two or more of those things against me.

Hope that all makes sense, though i'm sure it will not sit too comfortably with many peeps!

Would be interested to hear others thoughts on this one. I agree with you about forgiveness being a luxury...in fact I would go even further and say it was priceless, for who can buy someone's deep heartfelt pardon?

Cosmopolitan

Well I won't ever be forgiving my ex, I might feel some pity for the situation he got himself into. All I will do is forget the man when this is all cleared up.

Its so interesting the direction these different posts take.

The original thread started out about how the kids feel.

Its moved to 'Forgiveness'

Very interesting points are being made, which others may contribute to, but because its under a different title, may miss the opportunity.

Cosmopolitan - could you please copy your posts and create a new post for Forgiveness and YoungAgain and Stingray can also add their comments to the new thread?

Thank you

WR

Yes I worry constantly about the kids. Mine are 13, 11, and 8. Great kids. I am fortunate that both my wife and I are good parents and I think we'll be able to work out how to proceed. I do worry about their emotional stability as they do not talk about how they're doing. My 13 year old girl does talk to me a little bit. I know she is sad about our split. I'm sad too so I know about that.

Our 13 year old girl has just started seeing a therapist and doing yoga and I hope both give her coping mechanisms.

With everything that has happened it would be very easy for me to bad mouth my ex but I do not. Ever. She's their mother and deserves respect.

I do think the kids will get through it. They have two parents who love them a tonne and I hope that counts for something. I tell them over and over (and always have) that they can do nothing to lose my love - it's just not possible.

It's not easy though...

Hi Canuck -
With both of you showing your commitment to your children, you and your wife are very balanced and sensible in your approach, this is to be applauded!

Unfortunately it doesn't happen often enough


WR

Hi Canuck,
I agree that you have found a good way forward with your ex. My situation is a little different- 10 yr old daughter has just started seeing her father again after 3 years,(at my suggestion.)
Daughter is very astute and said to me the other day,"I know that Dad thinks more of x and her daughter,'cos he lives with them."
I waffled through trying to reassure her as best as I could and she looked at me wisely and said,"don't worry Mum, I get it."
Then she shrugged and said,"He's not that important actually- I'm not that bothered about seeing him. we have a good life without him."
It's very sad when a parent discards a child as well as his ex.
Perhaps he'll regret it one day-but I won't hold my breath.