How DO the kids feel?

Sadly, there are a lot of parents who overlook how the divorce affects their children, for many reasons, including an inability to see beyond their own pain.

Children are of course also going through the same process of grief as the parents. Their lives have also irrevokably changed, and in come cases to a worse extent than the adults, particularly when there is one or more new partners for them to get used to.

It is of course also the case that in many divorces the adults have been unhappy for some time, and have both acknowledged that the writing was on the wall for the marriage. However, the children will not have been so aware... they will have just bumbled along thinking that their family was fine, thank you very much. This means that the shock and sense of loss for a child can be far greater than that of the parent. Sadly the feelings of the children, and how to deal with those when in a bad place yourself, is not something that is widely written on, which means it is not a focus in divorce. In my personal opinion there is far too much emphasis on divorce being about the separation of 2 adults, and not about the effects on the child.

It doesn't appear to me that there is much encouragement to divorcing parents to even discuss this issue with the children following the "initial chat", and of course many children will see their parents in such a state that they do not feel able to broach their own feelings with mummy or daddy. This needs to be discussed, discussed and discussed again with them by both parents, to ensure that the children know they can tell you their feelings, and probably more importantly, their fears. Cafcass do a few workbooks to help you go through things, which can be found in the site library here:

http://www.wikivorce.com/divorce/reviews/Wikivorce-Library/Ch ildren/Information-For- Children_c164_m1852.html

I dont know if any of you are aware of the "post secret" website, where you send a postcard to tell the world your secret. An American project has adopted and adapted the idea for children of divorce here:

http://www.postcardsfromsplitsville.com/index.html

It certainly gave me some food for thought.

Amanda

Hi Amanda, i think you are right - children do get overlooked. My 10 year old daughter is quite a deep thinker and i think perhaps she holds a lot back - might be cos she has seen me so upset - i like the idea of the secret postcard.
In my situation at the moment - my daughters dad sees her for 5-6 hours a week - dispite him having another home now - he does not take her there - she is dragged round cinima, swimming, parks and shopping centres - as yet i have not said anything about it.
He tells me that daughter is coping really well with the situation - which is hardly surprising as she is so excited to see him everyweek - yet there is another side which he does not see - if i try to tell him - he says daughter just puts it on for my benefit. I know kids can play one parent off against the other but not all the time. I have seen my daughter burst into tears in a shop cos something has triggered a reminder of something in the past - when i take her out for tea as a treat i see her eyes constantly looking over to the table where mum/dad/kids are and i really see sadness. My dad left when i was 4 - i only saw him twice three times a year if i was lucky - i have never stopped my daughters dad from seeing her - ive went out of my way to encourage it but gets me nowhere - i try to be open and honest with my daughter and if she asks a question i try to carefully word things in a way she can understand but i do feel i am struggling -
My husband had chat with my daughter a couple of days before he left - told her not to tell me - what a heavy burden to bear for a young child and so cruel -
All things considered over the last 10 months daughter and i have probably become closer but i dont feel close enough for her to let go of some of her emotions - i might print of a few postcards - she can make them up and put in envelope - never to be opened

I could not agree more that children should come first in any separation. Hard as it is at times,not badmouthing absent parents is essential as is not standing in the way of a child's relationship with the absent parent, i.e. access. I also have a 10 year old who is given messages to pass on rather than being told not to say anything - also tends to bottle things up as does not want to upset me!! I just make sure I tell my daughter I love her every day and bite my tongue rather than say anything bad about her father despite provocation!

I have just read the postcards. Very thought provoking, and it has made me begin to rethink the child care arrangements for my 15 year old. I know 15 is old enough to know his own mind, but if I was honest with myself then I think I might have persuaded my son a little, into me being the main carer. Only for his own benefit as his father isn't as great as he thinks he is, but I am being too selfish? Maybe. I might have to rethink things.

It's important to consider the age and stage of children. Our teenagers used to move relatively freely between the two homes but preferred one pad for sleeping and rarely stayed with my ex overnight. Anyone considering shared residence for teenagers should consider this;

http://209.85.229.132/search?q=cache:LTPdj4yWvpQJ:www.leeds.a c.uk/media/current/Drifting% 2520towards%2520Shared%2520Residence.doc+drifting+towards+shared+residence& cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&client=safari

Thanks for that. Very informative, and I guess there aren't too many studies of this type to compare it to. My initial plan was to have my son here 24/7, with my stbx to have as much access as he and my son needed. I expect it to be quite regular if not OTT initially, both of them needing the contact for healing etc, but then dwindling off over time due to STBX works commitments and my son being a teenager and just being 'out'! the study in my view confirmed this. Hopefully I can get a copy to my STBX and get him to read it. I actually got wiki from his favourites, so he might indeed read it himself!

You're right about the studies ambrosia... but my guess is that will change. I had a very interesting chat with our Educational Psychologists at school last week about this very subject. It seems that local funding is being prepared for just such a study.

As the divorce statistic grows and children in this situation become a greater 'norm' in our social demographic... this complex situation receives more attention.

However, a consequence of this change is that society becomes more 'forgiving' or 'tolerant' of these challenges for children that a view begins to form of "well it's only natural..."; often meaning that little will be done.

Of course, as the number of children requiring intervention and/or support increases, so the funding available dwindles...

Shezi