Advice please

A bit of background first.
I left the marital home with my two children in November, due to domestic violence and abnormal controlling behaviour and rented a property for us to live in. He then met someone a few weeks later (who naive or not i genuinely believe came on the scene after I left).

i went to see a solicitor to petition for divorce and explained the circumstances. She gave me the option of unreasonable behaviour or adultery - but advised that if i wanted to get out quick and clean, then adultery may be the best option as he would want want the violence and this written down. So I agreed to go for adultery, he signed the confession statement but never returned it as he wants me to pay the divorce costs, I said I would pay half.

Ok - finances
i earn approx £50K and he earns approx £40K
I have two children living with me (aged 17) one is studying A levels and one is working.

house value £320,000
Mortgage £80,000

Debts inc car loan - mine £40,000
Debts - his £ 10,000

I have a public sector pension (but with few years benefit ) around ten in total

He has a private pension worth very little and a some stocks and shares also worth little.

I am trying to reason with him - by email and suggested.

I keep all my debts and assets and he keeps his and we sell the house and share proceeds from sale 50 - 50.

He said (with various insults and expletives) I was greed, no way and go forth and mulitply.

So I suggested - we sell house, service all debts from the proceeds and then spilt 50-50 the remainder and the pensions , shares, car (less Car loan etc).

His response was even worse and now he is thretening me with court and saying if it costs him every penny he will screw me financially.

Please someone - tell me i am been reasonable and surely the court would see that.

Also i am seeing my solicitor today and want to know if it does go to court - would i be better changing the petition and divorcing him for unreasonable behaviour and giving reasons why I had to leave (would the court consider this when making the order)

Sorry for rambling - so stressed and just want the whole mess over and done

Hi there Sorrel,

I would have probably petitioned on unreasonable behaviour. Have you named the third party? Has the petition already been submitted to the Court? If this is the case, ask husband to return the acknowledgement but to state that he refuses to pay the costs. The judge will then either decide how the costs should be paid or direct for there to be a hearing so that he can hear arguments on the matter before he decides. If he refuses to return the acknowledgement all together but has emailed you to say that he has received it I would use that email as eveidence in my application for deemed service. Note that the reasons for the peition have no bearing on the financial settlement so do not change it for that reason.

You are quite right characters like your husband wish to control progress and so you need to press ahead and not let matters stop as the longer it takes the more it will cost.

Do not be afraid of Court proceedings. They really are not too bad. The offer that you have put forward is more than reasonable on the facts that you have given and I certainly wouldnt advise on offering any more than that. In fact I would say that is an open offer and then for you to start court proceedings and put him on notice that if he does not do any better than the offer you have put forward from the outset and he forces the matter through to trial you will be making an application for all of your costs.

If you honestly think he will fritter away all of his money during the course of the proceedings ask your solicitor to obtain a freezing order to stop him from doing so.

Hamilton

Hi sorrel,

I think your solicitor has given you th right advice, to try the adultery route first. Do not bother to name the corespondent, it is a waste of time, effort and money.

Does your husband realise that the costs of divorce are only the costs of obtaining the decrees nisi and absolute? The costs of ancillary relief proceedings are not costs of divorce.

In your shoes I would offer to pay the court costs of the divorce and that each side pays for their own legal costs. If he doesn't like that that drop the adultery and go for UB and for all costs.

Be firm - I suspecyt he thinks he can still control you.

Goo dluck!

YA

sorrel wrote:
His response was even worse and now he is thretening me with court and saying if it costs him every penny he will screw me financially.
I would tell him "go ahead then". I think you have been very reasonable and he would be lucky to get a better deal through court.

A lot of people are all mouth when it comes to this kind of thing. Very few people really would spend every penny to screw over their spouse. It's cutting off his nose to spite their face. He could have £120k if he accepted your offer, I don't believe many people would walk away with nothing just to see their spouse in the same position.


The reasons for divorce make no difference to court. The only problem with adultery is that he needs to send off his confession statement. If he does not then you need to prove it to the court, which you can't do unless there is a child born with a paternity test. If you can negotiate the costs so that he complies with the divorce then you should do it. If he flat refuses to sign the adultery then you will have to modify it to UB.

Thank you all so much - just sharing the awful situation, makes this so much easier.

The petition has not gone to court, the signed statement for adultery is with his solicitor who he now has to change due to a conflict of interest.

I know I am been reasonable deep down, it's just he gets so angry and abusive and after years of living in a controlling environment its difficult to deal with.

I am seeing my solicitor this afternoon and will update then.

On a positive note, myself and my children are happy, free and are looking forward to our new life - despite all this stress there is now love and laughter in our home.

Oh one more thing - he is sending the most vile texts absolutely awful calling me all sorts of names etc. Shall i show these to the solicitor, or should I just ignore them.

I cant change my phone number as its company phone and the number is publicity and on my business cards etc.

Thank you all so much - this site and the people on it are amazing.

Ah if it hasn't gone to court then change to UB for sure. Only use adultery if he will sign the confession. It seems his signature has all sorts of strings attached so UB is probably a lot easier than jumping through all his hoops. Arguing about who pays costs probably costs more than the costs themselves... don't fall into this trap... tell your solicitor you want to get it done with the minimum costs.

Just delete the texts. Without even reading them.