My ex and I have had a dreadful time of it but the kids are OK, most of the
time..I think, possibly, maybe. Hope the following helps a bit - if you
and the ex are talking, it would help to discuss it now, whilst you are
talking! You can't possible guess what might or might not happen in the
future.
1. Expect a wobble -
school work goes down, behaviour
changes, crying a lot...but keep your boundaries tight. Daily routines
need to stay as they are. Agree this with the ex - of course children can,
and do, adapt, to different routines in different households, but great if
you can keep it as normal as you can. Kids need to see both parents and
know that you both love them. That doesn't mean they can play you off one
against the other. Remain 'tight' as parents, even if you're not
otherwise.
2. If activities have to stop because of having
less money, explain clearly. Give choices where possible, search out
cheaper options (for example, my eldest likes football. It was £3.50 a
session in an afterschool club, £1.50 a session at the local football
club). Don't blame the other parent for leaving for the lack of
money/activity/changes in life generally. This is how it is now - get used
to it!
3. Do your best to keep your emotions, feelings,
distress, anger.... to yourself. In the early days, I cried a lot in the
car when the children were behind me (had a 15 mile school run in those
days!) but they knew it and would tell their dad ('why does mummy cry all
the time? why did you leave her alone?). Their father tried to use my
'over-emotion' against me in about a thousand different ways, including
telling the children I was 'very, very ill' (terrified the eldest as my dad
died at the beginning of our
separation and had been told
that grandad was 'very, very ill'). Remember that the kids love both of
you and don't want to be party to hearing bad things about the other one
(even if it's true and they've worked it out for themselves!).
4. Which I guess means you might do well to agree, if you can, on the
reasons you're splitting up and stick with them.
5. Make an
agreement on new partners, when they'll be introduced, that it'll be with
the other's knowledge, etc. etc. Encourage the kids to like any new person
(even if you have to do it with gritted teeth)! Think about how you want
to be treated when you have a new person in your life and apply that the
other way (my ex hasn't got the hang of this one, at all!)
6.
Remember that you can't control what the kids do when they're with the
other parent. Those of us who've been on here a while will tell you that
at some point, we've all had a moan about the quality of the other's
parenting. Sometimes with justification, other times just sour grapes or
pure annoyance. Think to yourself - if I did that and he said I shouldn't
do it, would I be annoyed? So, he keeps them up late because it's his
birthday and feeds them MacDonalds at 9pm and let's them watch an 18
movie....yes, it's annoying. Does it really, really matter just once a
year?! Pick your battles....
7. You are not responsible for
your ex's relationship with the children. He is. He can mess it up. It's
no longer your business. This is really hard - I watched my ex make some
dreadful mistakes (in my eyes at least) with the kids and found sitting on
my hands next to near impossible. I have adjusted over time. Kids have a
way of working things out - better they turn round at 18 and say 'thanks
for never slagging off a man who, frankly, is a total you know what but I
love him 'cos he's my dad' than 'I hate you for never letting us see dad
and I'm off to live with him and I never want to see you again'.
8. Agree who buys what, when and who provides what and when. It will
help avoid unnecessary and ridiculous conflict! Do you send the children
with a packed bag or will your ex provide their own wardrobe of clothes for
when they're with him, for example? Accept that there are some clothes
you'll never see again, regardless of what you agree! You will be buying
socks and underwear at about 4 times the previous rate - Asda/Tesco/Primark
are useful for this! If your ex isn't particularly good at understanding
that one particular coat is for school and that you might need it on
Wednesday even if today, Sunday, the weather is nice so the kids are
returned only in their jumpers...well, get two of anything like coats
and/or always have a back up plan. In fact, get three...
If I
think of anything else, I'll come back to you. Hope this is what you were
looking for! Take care - it gets easier. xx
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