I just don't understand

I am nearly divorced. I signed the affidavit on 23rd Dec and my solicitor sent it to the court. My ex asked for months to come back, I stayed resolute. I am strong and if I'm honest I don't love him, respect him or any of the things I should. I feel I am one of the lucky ones - his behaviour killed the feelings I had for him - they are totally dead. I feel a part of me has also died from the stress and hurt - I just feel numb most of the time and can't imagine being able to love again.

I have felt quite stressed since christmas, poorly kids, job going etc etc. But now I also have to deal with these feelings of constant guilt. He's started asking to come back again, doesn't understand why I can't forgive, we had good times and he'll be all I ever wanted!

I do not understand why people do things and expect other people to just accept it as nothing! I told him several times he wasn't supportive, wasn't involved in family life, needed to grow up etc etc. So instead of listening and communicating with me he chose to set up secret email accounts and have 'text and email' sex with several women! They blatantly said they'd done stuff and were meeting up - but I'm expected to believe it's all talk?!?!?! He keeps saying nothing happened, it was all talk, I really thought we'd get back together, I'd totally change! But it's TOO LATE. Why can't he see that? Why am I feeling so damn horrid because he's gone too far and I've had to call it a day for my own sanity? He always took things too far - during arguments saying the worst possible things you can never take back, and I let them go every time, I suppose he expected me to let this go. I considered it working at our marriage, I always calmly explained afterwards what was so hurtful and asked him not to do it again. He never listened. So why is it my fault?

I'm sorry I'm having a total rant but it feels good to get it off my chest. I'm sick of feeling so rubbish. I worry night and day about how things are going to be and if I've made the right decision, but the thought of having him back doesn't appeal in the slightest so I know I have. We did have good times a long time ago but the last couple of years were pretty bad.

Thanks for reading everyone, sorry again x

Rant away. I find ranting helps!

There is no reason for you to feel guilty - that's giving him what he wants because what he is doing is trying to offload his own guilt. He wrecked the marriage, not you. Whatever relationship he had with those ow it was a betrayal. It doesn't matter whether they had sex or not, it was still a betrayal.

Now things have gone wrong and he wants to make himself out to be a victim. Don't fall for it.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I can feel your pain.

How often do the betrayers say 'it was nothing' and can't see that the very act of whatever they've been up to is absolute infidelity in any case? My husband kept repeating 'But I've not had sexual intercourse', as if that made it right.

I hope that you can gather stength from somewhere. I'm sure you'll love in other ways, like I love my grandchildren. I don't think I'll ever love or trust again in any other way, so understand where you're coming from.

No need to apologise for your 'rant'. Take care.

Big hugs. x

Hi Lozzsa. We all have a responsibility to ourselves to define how we should be treated. What should be said and done to us. If that requirement is not being met and, we dont say anything or, take action against someone that is not treating us with respect or not honoring our wishes, we are betraying ouselves.

We all have a basic need to be treated properly. This treatment usualy involves honesty, decency, respect and that someone should not do or say bad things to us.

Saying things that are abusive or doing things that are against our health or well being is abuse. Its that simple.

You have tried. You asked him to stop saying these things to you. And yr words were disregarded.

Love is like a bank account. We make deposits in this account. And we make withdrawals. Deposits are good deeds and withdrawals are bad deeds. When someone just abuses us and is disrespectful to us, this just withdrawals. And at some point. There is nothing left in the account and its overdrawn. This I think is where you are now.

I know you have been to hell and back with this man. No one could criticise you for wanting him out of yr life. U deserve to be treated better. Spoken to properly. Respected. And not be abused. But I understand the guilt. Because deep down, you are a good person. But this man does not listen. Does not honour or respect you. And doesnt treat you how you should be treated. So he has to go. I know this hurts. But you owe it to yrself. Otherwise, you are betraying yrself and the chance to be with someone that will treat you like you should be treated.

The reason he wants to come back is related to him being a crocodile. Crocs dont have ears. So he cant hear you. He has no concept of what he has done or how much he has hurt you. And he probably doesnt understand that having sex via email, if he met them or not. Is as good as having sex for real. I think this man is simple in the extreme, has no ears. And you deserve better. Make him gone. Dont look back. Choose wiser next time. C.

Hi Loz

I know TOTALLY where you are coming from!

My ex cheated and lied throughout our marriage. We have 3 children. He always begged and pleaded and cried forgiveness. He wore me down. I forgave constantly. He would swear on the childrens lives that he wouldn't do it again. I believed him (did I,or was it easier?) I took him back time and time again. He said I wouldn't cope without him and the only family I had was his and all the children had as family was his.

The kids grew, I grew fatter (comfort eating), I was miserable and depressed. He said if I divorced him he would find it difficult to see the girls because they would remind him of me.

The last time he cheated, I didn't forgive, I didn't take him back. I grew a pair!

He is living with his latest. Phoned me drunk crying to take him back, probably when girlfriend asleep!. But I realised what I was telling our daughters - its okay for a man to cheat and lie - not its not!

I divorced him quickly and now his attitude completely changed. He said he wouldn't be able to see his daughters if I divorced him and he has stuck to this, cruel but he has become a really nasty horrible man and yet me and our daughters are flourishing.

I have been unemployed a while now, desperately searching for a job. We are skint. But happy to be out of this awful relationship.

No worries, no more comfort eating, restful nights.

I don't know what the future holds, but I know HE can never hurt me again.

Thank you so much to each and every one of you.

Marshy - I found a website early last year when we were having problems that said exactly that, about withdrawals and deposits and a 'love bank'. I showed it to my stbx. Said it made loads of sense, and if we didn't stop the way we were being with each other the love would be gone. I consistently said love eventually runs out.

I'm sure I'm not totally faultless but I was never purposely as rude as I could be, I didn't see other men and I 'got on with things'. I tried as hard as I could to get us on track. Instead of listening to me and concentrating on what he had he decided to go off and find excitement. Now he doesn't appear to want it!

I don't love him I know that but I really don't wish him any harm and often feel sorry for him. I just want him to see he needs to concentrate on being a good dad to the kids when he does see them, rather than focusing on the not having them, but I don't want to become his counsellor, he has to learn for himself.

I'm not out of work yet sillwoman, but have been told my job is finishing 31/8/12. I have a lot of notice (council) so good time to find something else, I'm just not good with being in limbo and stress a lot. I hope you find something soon.

Thanks again everyone, I can always rely on you to say what I need to hear! Generally I've been doing really well but I suppose I should expect these setbacks!