Dealing with the pain

I tried to put the following as a blog but I couldn't get it to publish. (The word count came up as 0 - is there a glitch or am I being a bit silly?) Anyway - I hope it is ok to put it here meanwhile. Thanks

My Day Yesterday - or How to stop the pain?
It's been 19 months of so since ex went to live with the ow who had been hanging over our marriage for 14 years - since son was a baby. He would take her out but not me - saying she was just a friend - while I looked after our kids etc.
I've not been feeling well all week - a recurrent thing - but felt up to going to supermarket yesterday. I deliberately don't shop in the town where they live - but in another local town.
And there they were together at the supermarket check out. How can it still hurt so much - I am crying still this morning? Will the damn pain just never stop. I wanted him to look ill - but he didn't - (she didn't look so hot though - but then who does at the supermarket.)
But why oh why does it not hurt them and it hurts me (us) so much - and how to deal with the pain.
I can hear my own advice - it's not good to suppress it (I find) and better to let it out (hence the blog - thanks for indulging me.) But the pain of having this woman hang over our marriage for so long - and then my fears and worse (the daughter thing)and having to see them. I know there is the whole thing that they can't make me feel the pain - it's up to me - but right now all the logic in the world is not stopping me feel I am falling to pieces. I know I won't - I know it will pass - but right now I am ..........distraught I suppose (and that in itself seems very self indulgent - I know there is so much worse in life - but as we all know to be cheated on by the one you loved and trusted just hits a very raw nerve.) I wish I knew how to stop or calm the nerve pain. I will go for a walk - look for a job (terrified because of health thing) but the fact that I can feel like this anytime is just so damn scary. I am hurting and I don't know how to make it stop.

Hi

Know how you feel. My ex cheated on me all our married life, but he always begged and pleaded with me and I stayed with him (or took him back if he had left) until this last time. Although I certainly do not want him back, it is painful that he is living with another woman and they both work and have loads of disposable income, whereas I am unemployed and we live on the breadline.

We saw photos of him acting as "father of the bride" to her daughter and it hurt like hell. He doesn't see our children (his choice).

However, a friend of mine went straight from one marriage to the next,the second broke down also (after 14 years) and now she is mourning the first marriage (as well as the second!).

They say the best way to get over someone is to get "under someone else"! And my friend and your stbx are doing that. Therefore, they are busy with keeping a new relationship going and that is why they are not hurting.

I am not in a new relationship and not intend to be in one maybe ever, who knows, but at least if I do enter one I will be well over my ex.

Karma is a strange thing, what goes out must come back,its an energy force or something, meaning that the hurt your ex is causing you now, must in time return to him.

Hi scaryclairie. This will hurt seeing them. And expecting him to feel pain is like taking poison yrself and expecting him to keep over.

The reason why you feel this pain is that you are not at the acceptance phase yet. And it was just bad luck that you saw them at the checkout. If you had been 10 mins later, you wouldnt have saw them. So yesterday, was bad timing realy. Couldnt be helped.

And you cant just cut someone out of our lives to easily. No one can do this. Many kid themselves that they can. But they cant. And it always seems that the OP is doing so well. So happy. So together. But that is usualy not the case.

And to have someone hang over you for all those years? How sad is that?

Just work on accepting that its over. And once you have that under yr belt. You wont worry about them and how happy they appear to be. In fact you will see them in a totaly new light. Just like I do with my ex and her "Happy family inside". C.

That is a tough day. I have read enough of your posts to know that you'll get through this. 19 months seems like a long time and to me it sounds very long (I'm 9 months in).

My initial goal was to be in a better place in a year and a much better place in two years. I am healing but it is so hard.

Focus on you, know that you're getting better, stand on your own two feet, have more fun and joy in your life.

Allow yourself to feel this pain, it's ok. Having felt this pain and accepted it will make your new life that much sweeter.

Oh Clairie,You often give such good advice to others, and as you say are logical too...
Now listen to others..It's bound to hurt because as you thought you wouldn't even see them as it wasn't where they usually shop, but because you did it brought home that they seem to have everything now that you've lost.
Well take it from me, it's your head playing tricks with you and looking at things in a rosy light.
The reality and logic of it is this:
Yes, she was hanging over your 14 years together, but really how sad is that? To have to be with someone else's Husband like that, and him! He's nothing either, to behave like that towards you. They are well suited because their relationship isn't ­base­d on strength, trust and loyalty but lies and deceit, and noone can have a strong firm relationship ­base­d on that. One thing for anythig to succeed is to have firm foundations...so really they are both like emotional vampires, and will never be truly happy because they will never be totally contented..It's really just a false existance...and yes, although you are really hurting, and maybe sometimnes feel that you are just existing too...at least you can live with yourself and the truth unlike them who have to live a total lie. You have more integrity than they do put together, and through all the pain, I know which type of person I'd rather be.
It is natural to get these very low feelings, but a day will come along and you will feel better. It was just that you were thrown off guard.
Although it's been 19 months, that is still a very short time in the scheme of what yu have had to go through emotinally so don't be hard on yourself.At least we can hope that we will get to the point where we might be on our own, but don't have to put up with all their cr@p, washing and cooking for them, and stroking their egos...Also at least we won't ever have to go through the shock and anxiety of the feelings of when we were truly on our own..and it's very easy to forget how far you have actually come in this journey already..
Sorry such a long post, but felt it needed to be said.
Hugs xxx

Just wanted to add hugs! .....because you're worth it!

For me, and I suspect so many other people, every 'first' when your life has changed is difficult, irrespective of what that first is.

I remember the first time I went to a supermarket after I was told the news: it was incredibly tough, and then there was the first time seeing my parents, and the first time going on my own holiday, first new years eve... Every single one of those has been tough. But, after you've got through the first (of whatever it is that causes hurt), you never have to ever go through that again. You feel bad since there's a lot of healing going on. It might not feel like it, but there is...

Best,
JJ
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