Ignoring "put downs"

I am waiting for Decree Nisi and am still sharing the house with STBX and have been coping reasonably Ok with the situation.I am on Antidepressants and have been trying different self help measures to keep myself from going under but my STBX keeps trying to undermine my confidence by various put downs mainly by making me feel unattractive and a has been.I do try to ignore it and don't retaliate but it does still manage to upset me even though I know he is just being spiteful.
I'm not sure how long I can cope with this situation but know I can't leave the house until it is sold.I'm just feeling very vulnerable tonight.

Hope you feel a bit more positive this morning.

Living in hope

I am so sorry to read about your situation. I know from experience how these types of targeted insults erode your self esteem bit by bit. My Stbx exhibited the same type of behaviours and I lived with this kind of thing for a long time.

I won't need to tell you that this is emotional abuse. I know telling you to ignore it is hopeless, I never could either. What helped me lots was understanding that people who insult others like this are merely projecting the way tey feel about themselves on to other people. I read lots of stuff on emotional abuse and when mine started on me with his insults, I used to think to myself "that's your stuff, that has nothing to do with me"

Another thing that helped was thinking I needed to separate my feelings from my behaviour as if I let my Stbx see how his conduct affected me it would encourage further bad conduct and give him more power. So if he hurled an insult, I would be very calm, and look him straight in the eye and say something like your opinions no longer matter to me, so please keep them to yourself. I would make a point of going out, even if it were to the cinema on my own and in the corner where no one could see my tears. Anything but to give him the reaction he craved.

There is plenty of free stuff on the Internet on emotional abuse and how to manage it. Scott Peck does a lot of writing on projection but there will be books available on emotional abuse. Personally this knowledge the insults and abuse all because of my husbands issues and had nothing to do with me gave me great reassurance and the strategies to deal with an emotionally abusive person.

Know it is not you. I can see how much you are doing to get through this and we are here for you. Stay strong!

Hi there,
I did that for 18 months until the house was sold and it's a particular kind of hell. It also extends your grieving process, so it delays your healing. Your healing can only truly begin when you no longer have to deal with him on a daily basis. When you finally move you will feel the sheer relief of no longer having to cope with arrogant comments, lies and deceit. It will come.

I coped by escaping to friends from time to time. Are you able to do that? I can joke now and say that I was the 'bag lady', living out of the boot of my car but my sanity was at stake. I slept in so many spare bedrooms I had to think where I was when I woke up in the mornings but I did it. Sometimes I'd know I had to be gone before he came home that night and would just pick up my bags and leave.

If you can ignore the comments and hostile acts - I know it's hard,but put it down to his anadequacies not yours. Blank him. DO NOT listen to his cruel words, they make it up to make themselves feel better.

Stay with wiki for support through this awful time. Friends here will help you to cope until you're finally able to move.

PM any time.

Mitchum x

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my post.I'm feeling stronger today and have looked in the mirror and told myself I'm gorgeous and will be sending myself positive thoughts throughout the day.I didn't used to believe that would help but am finding it does.
I'm trying to focus on a happy, peaceful future in a home of my own but it can seem so far away at times.
My closest friends live a couple of hundred miles away so it's not so easy to run to them when things seem overwhelming.I have "new " friends where I live but I couldn't really just arrive with an overnight bag on their doorstep as I don't know them well enough.
It's this isolation which has helped him get away with his behaviour for so long.But I'm no longer prepared to put up with it and I know I don't have to.I'm now truly beginning to be Livinginhope!

Hi Living,

There's not much to add that hasnt already been said, but I wanted to let you know I was in the same situation so I am sending you a hug (())). I used to say that he was some kind of "insult a day" calendar, it was almost as if he needed to put me down or his day wouldnt go right.

I, like you, have no friends close (not from this country) & tbh prob was more able to cope cos of my abusive childhood. But it still chipped away at my fragile self esteem. I was called all names under the sun, told my folks were trashy, if I asked for ANY help (taking out rubbish for ex) I was told I was "so needy" that he would have never married me, I was bad in bed, my exes never loved me, I wasnt "as good looking" as his exes, if I dressed up I heard NOTHING.

I was blamed and insulted for him gaining weight (i was too good a cook), for him being unhappy (didnt spend enough cash on him), for him cheating (i was too controlling), for him lying to his Mum (he had to appease me), for him having to spend money on himself (bored), for not having any friends (I wouldnt let him out). When he cheated for the 4th time late last year, he even blamed me for that. When I was put on sleeping pills to deal with his OW all night phoning sessions, I was also told that the reason why I wasnt sleeping was that I was jealous that he found someone that was more suited to him - a size 8 "with big boobs". I wanted to throttle him!

You know what? Every single thing was his fault, and HE KNEW IT. One day I hope you know that, it is never YOU it is always about them trying to avoid responsibility & appear perfect, caring, helpful. It is about CONTROL and that is never what love is.

Have you looked at http://bullyonline.org? When I found that sight it was a revelation, I realised that all the emo abuse I was going through was really typical. It helped me realise to what extent his actions affected me & also to help deal with further insults.

Keep your head high and do what Shoe & mitchum said. He does NOT need to treat you like that, let his next victim take his abuse but not you. He will not stop being abusive, but you can control how it effects you.

Sending you wishes xx
pp

My ex told me every day how ugly I am , how he couldn't have sex with me as I'm so unattractive. 3 months after our divorce, I was cheering on my son at sport , when the most fab man came and said " Am I right in thinking you're singe?" When I said yes I was, he said he has been watching me at football and thought " WoW". He asked me out... all in front of the EX!!!!!! Result! I still see him and it's been very lovely having someone as sexy as him tell me I am gorgeous. I am very cautious and taking things very slowly, but it is quite an ego boost. Pay no attention to your STBX= he is clearly an idiot! xx