OK so those who are observant, the below is in my blog. Team Wiki has asked
me to move this to the forum to make sure peeps see it. So here goes:
As you will have seen by my blog, I am five months in post
separation. It is the
weekend of the royal wedding and I have been struck by just how many new
members have joined the website over the holiday period. It seems to work
this way, there seems to be flurries of broken hearted people being left
over Easter and Christmas.
The purpose of me writing this blog
is that I was given so much advice when I first joined about how to survive
the pain at the beginning. I am now through that initial all-consuming pain
and seeing light at the end of the tunnel. So, for all the new members, I
wanted to write down all the advice that that lovely wiki peeps gave me and
stuff that I read in
books that helped me. I thought maybe if I
put all the stuff people told me in one place it might help the new
ones.
For the benefit of new members in summary my husband was a
serial adulterer. I found out about his serial
adultery in 2009. After a
separation and marriage
guidance counselling he moved back in with me in late 2009. We had every
kind of support, individual counselling, marriage guidance counselling, I
read every kind of book going. Despite all his promises to change, the
extensive investment in counselling,
books, reading, time and talking, he
announced suddenly he was leaving in December 2010. He denied there was
anyone else, but a week after he told me he wanted out, I found an email
from the other woman. Yes he was having yet another affair, despite
everything, his promises to change; he still was messing around behind my
back. I talk a lot more about this in other blogs but this one is for the
new ones so I want to focus on getting through the first few weeks.
Before I found wikivorce, I thought my circumstances were unique. I
felt a complete failure, surrounded by friends in happy marriages with
smiling children. In sharp contrast, my stbx left me two weeks before
Christmas alone and literally on the floor. He told me we could have
children and left me promptly at the point when we said we would have them
so it was like a double bereavement, a calculated exit one might say.
Back to that night. Friday 3 December 2010. He has been staying in
a hotel for the two nights before, he said he could not get home due to the
deep snow. Anyway, after some speculation that he might need to be away for
a third night, I said to him dig the car out or get a train home and I sent
him a timetable. He arrived home and seemed a bit quiet. He was
doing some work upstairs as he had not yet finished his working day. I
should add here I was unemployed at this point having been made redundant
four weeks before.
Anyway, I love Christmas. It is totally my
time of the year. I had brought all of my stbxs presents in late November
and I just needed to wrap them. So in an excited tone, after he had
finished his work and we had our dinner, I asked him whether we should put
the Christmas tree up, he turned to me and said I don’t want to be with you
anymore. I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said “eventually yes”.
He had done his research on divorce too; he said we should go for a two
year separation.
Meltdown! I felt like I had been hit by a
train. I did not see this coming. We had been in marriage guidance for
goodness sake. He had been so sure that he wanted to be with me. I remember
so clearly my initial reaction, shaking, the wailing, uncontrollable crying
and the panic. Utter, sheer terror. Everything I thought to be real and
true came crashing down my ears. I remember the pain being so bad, I
literally felt like I would die. I could not sleep, eat, I struggled to
understand what people were saying to me. I remember literally crying so
much that I fell out of bed and would wonder how I ended up on the floor.
There are gaps in my memory where I think I passed out for short periods,
like literally through not being able to breathe. Occasionally, I would
snatch a few minutes of deeply troubled sleep and then wake up and for a
few seconds on waking, it would not be the first thing on my mind. Then it
hit again as I became fully conscious and it felt like I was getting hit by
the train all over again.
The endless panic, those questions on
endless playback in your mind. I remember literally driving myself mad with
questions. Nothing my stbx said made any sense. My husband despite his many
indiscretions was not a rude or aggressive person in our marriage, not at
all. However, on separation very thing that hurt the most is this man that
I loved and trusted turned into a monster. On the night he told me our
marriage was over, when I dared to question his decision he shouted at the
top of his voice “DON’T YOU GET IT, I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE” It was as far
as he was concerned very obvious the marriage was over and his whole
attitude was “well you just need to get over it” When I said that I had not
realised he was thinking of leaving, he looked at me as if I was completely
stupid. He conceded “well I suppose not everything in the marriage was
terrible” I could not believe my ears, what was he talking about? I
seriously thought he had lost his mind. The final straw was when he said to
me that he had discussed leaving with most of his family and friends before
he told me. It was horrendous; I was literally the last person to know my
marriage was over. My marriage being cruelly ended was very much, a
decision by committee and I later found out that the other woman was very
much part of that committee. And that final piece of information nearly
killed me.
Of course, I asked him whether there was anyone else.
He said no. I could not understand though why he wanted to leave so
quickly. All of a sudden I was a massive inconvenience, an appendage,
getting in the way of his future happiness. He shouted at me “I HAVE A
RIGHT TO BE HAPPY” What that meant roughly translated was he wanted me out
of the way as soon as possible. Oh and the arrogance….. the horrible
disgusting arrogance. I saw this man literally strut around my house, like
he was god’s gift. He seemed proud or something, almost euphoric, that he
was going to escape. It was only after that I realised this was because he
had “pulled” and was going to be with the other woman. He told me he has
taken a “calculated risk” by leaving me. Perhaps this was a list of pros
and cons for life with me and life with her. Even in my deeply shocked and
distressed state, I could see that our 10 year relationship would be no
match for the initial rush and excitement of a new relationship and the
clear ego boost this had given him. God it was so pathetic.
I
went home to my parents. A powerful instinct to get away from my husband
took over me. He had now in my eyes, become a complete lunatic. That was my
first good decision. Get away from the madness at first.
So now
you probably understand that I do know what you are going through. I have
been there. So I was at my parents feeling alone and like a total failure.
How could I have been so stupid not to see any if this coming? After all
the chances I had given his promises to change, his assurances that he
loved me, to end up like this. I bounced about between sheer upset and
panic, overwhelming anger and feeling complete and utter despair. You can
read more about this in my first few blogs.
Then after a couple
of weeks of not really understanding my new reality, I googled something
like divorce support and found wikivorce. I put up my first post, hoping
that someone on this site could shed some light on my situation and was
praying silently that they would not all just say to me “look you managed
to lose your husband because you were a bad wife and you have failed him in
some way” Because that is how I felt about myself at first you see.
I thank my lucky stars I found this place. After posting, advice,
understanding and sympathy poured out of my laptop from strangers, many who
I have met in person now and who I consider friends. These people seemed to
know, understand and did not seem to find me an inconvenience. I did not
need to worry about boring people here, with the inevitable compassion
fatigue that sets in with family and friends after a few weeks.
The main thing that reassured me instantly with this shared wisdom is
that my circumstances were far from unique. Most adulterers leaving
marriages absolutely do the same things. This was a total shock to me that
this must mean that this sequence of events, how he left me, what he said,
well it could not just be my fault then could it? I cannot tell you how
much that helped me, just knowing that those having affairs all conform to
a particular pattern of behaviour. Much later I read a book called runaway
husbands that described this process so well and I would recommend this
book to all people in my situation
So in summary here is what my
experience and the book says about it:
1. The end of the marriage as
far as the leaver is concerned is a fair accompli. You are an innocent
bystander in the end of your marriage
2. The plan to leave has
been in their mind for some time. Mine confessed much later to planning his
exit for six months before. That is when his affair started by the way
3. My ending was a death by a thousand cuts ending, a rollercoaster
ride from hope to despair again. Looking back there were mounting levels of
hostility in the final few weeks of our relationship, I thought I was being
too needy about my job loss. No it was because he was trying to get the
message through maybe hoping I would end it so he could be with his new
lady.
4. Reasons for the marriage ending are often trivial,
exaggerated or fraudulent.
5. The majority announce their
departure following a separation (note the hotel stay above due to “deep
snow”) I suspect my husband was not alone in that hotel for those two
nights. He was having a dress rehearsal for his new life with her before
leaving me. Also makes sense of the calculated risk comment right?
There is so much more to this so if you want to know the full explanation
read the book.
So here is the best advice I was given in my
meltdown period.
1. Feel it. Know in the middle of the night
things will be at their worst. It is better for your long term healing to
feel the pain now, know actually this is the first and most painful step on
the road to healing. You are in shock at first, this is real and serious.
You must take care of yourself.
2. Shock lasts for at least six
weeks in my experience. You have to be real kind to yourself. Look at it
this way. If your best friend was going through this, how would you treat
him or her? What would you do for them.. You need to be doing the same for
yourself. Become your own best friend.
3. Don’t make any major
decisions in the first few weeks and try very hard not to leave the marital
home as this puts you at a disadvantage in the divorce process
4. See a solicitor quick, some do free half an hour consultations. Get
hold of the marriage certificate and hide it. Important if you want to
launch divorce proceedings yourself. Your spouse can order a copy but this
will take time. One of the biggest things that has comforted me is that I
am divorcing my husband for unreasonable behaviour. By controlling the
divorce proceedings, it is one less thing he can do to me. He never got the
satisfaction of petitioning me for divorce and let me tell you he was
shocked to the core when I told him I would be divorcing him, not waiting
for two year separation as he wanted.
5. My stbx tried to
pressure me into making decisions. He moved out within a week of telling me
and started to tell me what furniture we wanted to take with him and told
me he wanted the telly. I told him no jointly owned assets were leaving the
property until we had reached an agreement on division of assets. I stuck
to that too
6. If you can’t eat, try soup and yoghurts things
that don’t require chewing are easier to get down. I took care of myself
when I literally could not eat anything by taking a vitamin pill and
drinking water.
7. I read very early on that the biggest regret
that people had when going through divorce is that they wish they had been
more business-like. I embraced this, unfortunately now your life will
become a fight over who is having what. It is a soul destroying process
where you feel you are picking over the bones of the marriage that meant
the world to you. Hard but you have to toughen up so you are ready for
it.
8. Don’t expect to recognise your spouse who has left, ever
again. I actually said to my husband that the man I married is dead. Even
five months on, I look at him and I don’t recognise him. He is a shadow of
the man I once knew.
9. Sleep is very badly affected and late at
night/early in the morning your mind plays tricks on you. Reading about the
situation I was in helped me loads. I would recommend looking at
descriptions on amazon of the following books: Runaway husbands
and Emotional Unavailability. I read at night when I could not sleep and
was almost persistently on wikivorce during those dark nights looking
through old posts and blogs trying to find answers to the endless questions
in my head. What helped me get some sleep was exercise and lots of it and
meditation/relaxation CDs available off amazon. Sounds a bit hocus pocus
but they do work. Basically grab sleep whenever you feel like it. A few
hours here and there seemed to be my experience for the first couple of
months
10. Your spouse will not answer your questions and if
they do they will be lies. Better to read books and ask for advice on
wikivorce than ask your spouse anything. I think my husband suffered a
spiritual death or that is how I choose to look at it. This thought stopped
me asking him those questions. I just wanted to know WHY? Truth is I don’t
think he even really knew at the time. He liked the feeling of the affair
and chased it. That is all. Once you discover wiki chat you will never have
to have an evening in alone. When you first go in, it feels all weird,
like everyone there knows each other. They often don’t, speak up and type
in I am new. Then people will generally ask how you are and you can take it
from there. Months on I have met a lot of the people that I chatted to on
line and they have become real friends. I never thought this would happen
to me
11. The worry about the future is mind-blowing at first. I
remember thinking OMG what am I going to do? I had no job, no means of
getting a mortgage on my own. I had panic attacks about losing my home on
top of everything else. Marshy (if you use wiki you will get to know him)
says something really true here. “You can’t eat an elephant in one go” You
have to do it in chunks. Take one day at a time, get through it. That’s all
you can do. Try not to think about the future at first, just get through
the day
12. It is entirely normal to harbour fantasies about the
spouse returning at first. I know I did. I remember going on wikivorce in
the first few weeks and people telling me they had been separated for six
months. I thought to myself “hmmm in six months’ time, he will be back” “I
won’t be the same as you” Well here I am still separated after five months.
The painful truth is most doing ever come back and those that do well by
the time this happens often the spouse does not want to take them back. The
latter is true in my case.
13. The other thing is managing the
support network. The sad reality is often friends disappear on divorce
often without trace. My husband and I had a group of joint friends and I
have not heard from a single one of them since he left. My in law family
have completely cut me dead and did so after a few weeks. Loss of these
relationships also needs to be grieved as well as the loss of the spouse
14. The ones that are there for you, well I am afraid they develop
compassion fatigue after a while. The reality is no one understands divorce
unless they have lived through it. The typical attitude might be something
like well he was a really bad husband Sair, you just need to forget about
him and move on. Seriously, there are people in my close family who think
it is that simple. Not their fault they don’t understand it, and that is
where Wikivorce comes in
15. Loss of relationships on divorce
often means that you need to develop a new social life. This can be
rebuilt, trust me on this. Organisations like spice and nexus are great and
also wikimeets are brilliant for making your virtual friends real ones and
yes I have a number of real life friends that I met on wikivorce. I joined
a slimming club and met a lot of local people. There are many local groups
and activities and your local library will have details of things going on.
Please don’t worry about the rebuilding of a social life from experience I
know this can be fixed. It is just knowing where to go that is all.
16. Develop a routine as quickly as you can. I got out and about.
Despite job loss and technically having no reason to get up, I made myself
do it. Someone said that revenge on a cheating spouse is to have the best
life you can without them. I embraced this and it gave me strength. There
was no way I was going to let him win, He would not destroy my life. I
would not pay for his poor conduct for the rest of my days.
17. If you can’t get up at first open the window and curtains and let the
daylight in. Remember the best friend bit earlier in the blog. So make
sure your environment is clean, nice sheets, tidy room. After all you have
been through you deserve the best. Only you can make sure that is what you
get.
I hope that list is of some assistance. But the main
question I had at first was When will this horrible feeling go away? Hard
one to answer that but from personal experience and from talking to friends
here it takes between two and three months to feel anything near normal
again. For some it is longer, there is no hard and fast rule. I know that
is not great news because at first a day feels like a week and a week feels
like a month. Time will start to pass by at normal speed soon just hang on
in there and post when it feels like too much. The peeps on this site will
see you through those dark desperate days for we have all been there.
Healing for me happened like this. At first you have the hit by a train
feeling and you can’t function. One day you will have a tiny bit of
conversation not about the marriage breakdown and you will forget for a few
short seconds. Then you will find you can concentrate on a TV programme or
get absorbed in a book for small periods. There will be small amounts of
respite soon, I promise. It is like you hurt less for five minutes less per
day and as time goes on it becomes good and bad days rather than feeling
shit all the time. Then the bad days get less over time.
I remember
thinking when I first joined the site in a rather grandiose way that
perhaps the people here cared less than me about their spouse so their pain
stopped. I thought then with some mounting panic that my pain would never
heal. Ridiculous thoughts but this blog is about telling you about what
really happened to me. Trust me it does get better with time and positive
action in equal measure. Hopefully this blog has given you some ideas to
help.
How can you accelerate healing? Different for peeps but
here are my top tips that helped me the most:
1. Cut
contact as quick as
possible with the stbx. If you have kids, it should be just about them, no
other information hard yes, but it works. Please see my month three
blog.
2. If you are stuck in the
FMH and it is full of memories, put the photos of you
together in the loft and move the furniture around. Get hold of some new
bedding if you can afford it and try to get some new accessories for the
house to make it feel different. If you have no money, try freecycle, local
groups will be on the internet.
3. Counselling, I can’t recommend this
enough. Please please please try and do this as quickly as possible. My
counsellor has changed my life. GPs can provide access to counselling,
there might be a wait list. If you can afford it, it is worth paying for
it. Relate is a good place to check this out.
4. Get out and do
stuff. See friends, do spice stuff go on wikimeets. Yes it is hard, so
hard, I have cried in the ladies loo when I have been out with others
because I can’t believe how my life turned out. But better this than being
in the house alone thinking about him having a great time with her every
Friday night. If you can’t go our Nell no regrets recommends jigsaws as a
way of passing the time. I think this is a brilliant idea….
5. Stopped listening to music for a while, too painful everything made me
cry. Listen to radio 4 or buy some new music.
I hope this helps
and for the new ones, welcome to Wikivorce. Your life may well be ripped
apart at the moment, but know there are many here that will support you all
the way to recovery. You are not alone. Take care of you and remember be
your own best friend
With love
Sair xxxxx
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England and Wales 
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