For the new ones - five stages of grief,

This is one for people new to this whole relationship breakdown thing and will help you to understand how you might progress to recovery from relationship breakdown

Its called the Kübler-Ross model. Hope it gives you some food for thought and hope for the future.

Mike

The progression of states are:[1]

1. Denial – "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
Denial is usually only a temporary defence for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after death.

2. Anger – "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.

3. Bargaining – "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time..."

4. Depression – "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.

5. Acceptance – "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the death that is approaching. Generally, the person in the fifth stage will want to be left alone. Additionally, feelings and physical pain may be non-existent. This stage has also been described as the end of the dying struggle.

Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness, later to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, an infertility diagnosis, as well many tragedies and disasters.

Kübler-Ross claimed these steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor are all steps experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two. Often, people will experience several stages in a "roller coaster" effect—switching between two or more stages, returning to one or more several times before working through it.

Significantly, people experiencing the stages should not force the process. The grief process is highly personal and should not be rushed, nor lengthened, on the basis of an individual's imposed time ­frame­ or opinion. One should merely be aware that the stages will be worked through and the ultimate stage of "Acceptance" will be reached.

Thanks for this Mike. I'm still switching between anger and depression after a year.

I would love to get to the last stage but I don't think it's gonna happen any time soon.

Thanks for sharing that Mike, it's nice to be able to re-read it again and I think Wiki members will find it really helpful.

Soz I am doing this totally at random no order and no sense! Keep repeating several steps at a time - almost like a rat in a trap

I know Kubler Ross very well - I'm a nurse in palliative care. All the stages of grief can be re visited at any time, rendering the loss as if it were new. EG - you can be 10 yrs down the line and then a smell or a song or a random memory will make the grief as raw as if it had just happened. TOB - going through the stages in a random disorganised way is totally normal and probably more healthy than if you progress in the stages in the order that Kubler Ross wrote them down. She never intended them to be interpreted as a distinct pattern - rather a mish mash of feelings that eventually we manage to control and accept, rather than control us. And she always acknowledged that the pain associated with them could be utterly overwhwelming. However, it is a book of great insight and hope. We are always living until we take our last breath... and lif is always a gift xx

I think I've reached a plateau and the feeling is one of complete numbness. I've never felt angry as I'm not an angry person but I feel a deep, deep sadness and loss.

My GP diagnosed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of the severity of the emotional blows delivered in rapid succession by my stbx. I've been helped a lot by my counsellor but now feel, more than a year on, emotionally dead. Bereft of emotion, no real joy in anything, no buzz of anticipation even though good things are happening to me.

The grieving seems to be over and has been replaced by a surreal existence with no real purpose except getting through the days.

Is there another stage or can it just go on repeating itself until you feel you're over it at last?

Mitchum,

I can really relate to the deep sadness. For me, some lifestyle changes moved me on from there, although every now and then, when everything gets a little too much for me, I find myself back there.

What also made a huge difference to me was striking up a new and close friendship with someone who has been through this mincer and realising that:

1. I was not ALWAYS wrong and DID have good ideas
2. I was not a miserable grumpy parent and DID want the best for my children, which didn't mean letting them do or have anything they wanted.
3. I AM way too soft, and need to toughen up a little and stop being a doormat.
4. It is OK to worry about money and not to want to spend every last penny.

I guess all the little snipes and digs that my ex used to throw at me were her way of keeping me where she wanted me.

What was interesting was that my friend had similar, but different issues, and we could each see how our respective ex's behaviour had an impact on the other, without being able to see what it was doing to ourselves.

That friendship has now moved on a step. Co-therapists become a little more

But 3 yrs 3 months on - had I been writing this 12 months ago, I am not sure I would have felt quite so relaxed in myself or able to explain my transition back towards 'normality' - whatever the hell that is . Incidentally, 12 months ago I was seeing a counsellor too. Helped enormously, but the solid re-reinforcement of my friend's thoughts and advice built significantly on the foundation work with the counsellor. It DOES take time. But it is spring. Plant some seeds and see what grows....

Shineon - That's a great piece of complementary narrative. The parallels between relationship breakdown and bereavement are so very close. I have to admire what you do, I simply couldn't cope with it. My emotions would be all over the place.

Mike