Living On My Own - Extremely Difficult

I am so ashamed to admit that I am having extreme difficulty in living on my own. I hate the fact that at 39 years of age I can't cope to the extent that I am now living back with my parents. I have never lived on my own before and can't handle the extreme loneliness which I feel inside.

I have lived with my husband since I was 18 and he left me in November after 21 years together. It's a blur how I coped up until after Christmas/New Year and then the situation hit me. I can't face living in my house on my own. It is weird as hubby used to go away for a week at a time on business and it was never a problem.

Early February went to the doctors and put on anti-depressants as I have got reactive depression plus suffering panic/anxiety attacks. I thought being with my parents would be better as I just didn't want to get up in the mornings and at least someone is around when I get home of an evening to have a chat with. I must admit that this has helped enormously.

My husband doesn't know my situation (medical or living arrangements) as the financial settlement should be that if I get the house then I won't make any further financial claims on him. This is what I want just so that I can then sell the house and get some finances behind me to move on and start again. I am afraid that if he finds out that I am not at home then he will try to get half the house again. However, I never realised that a divorce etc could take so long. I thought that 4 months down the line it would be nearly finished (how naive am I!).

I am hoping that once I can sell the house and make a fresh start somewhere else I will feel differently. Also I need healing time to get into the right ­frame­ of mind. I am just so afraid that when I get my own place I will still have problems. I have times when I think I can do it and that I am strong but that feeling own lasts for several hours and then I become overwhelmed by everything again.

Has anyone else come across this problem? How do you handle living on your own day in day out?

Sonya

Sonya,
Please please please read my posts..
I was exactly the same but couldnt stay with my parents as I've too many kids.
Lou x

Hiya Sonya. I never live on my own before. I moved into my home November 2006 and I have been there on my own ever since. It was hard at 1st. It seemed like a hotel. But over the years I have done things to it and made it mine. Now its a place that I love to go back to. It wasnt like that when I was married.

Its hard living with parents at age 39. You are used to having yr own home and sleeping in someone else's house wont make you feel right. You will feel much better when you have yr own place.

I can see from what you have said that you have taken this seperation very badly. But take heart that it does get better.

It may help you to get some counseling. This does help. It definatly helped me. And may help you deal with the seperation and subsequent divorce better. C.

Hi

Thanks for the advice.

I think part of the problem is that my house just isn't home any more. Hubby started an affair just after we moved into the house in 2007. His mistress was a friend plus work colleague (of mine and his) and she often came to the house for dinner. For example, she was in my home for a New Year's Eve party whilst pregnant with my husband's child. She came for dinner with her child (22 months old now) and husband the weekend before my husband finally confessed to what had been going on (that was November). At the start I thought I really wanted the house and could live there but I think it was just a security blanket because everything around me was changing and I couldn't take any more. For instance when hubby left to set up a new home with her the week he told me of the affair he even wanted to take my cat with him! He really wanted me to move out the hosue so that he could move her and the child in. He wanted exactly the same life but just a different face in bed beside him.

I really think that when I can sell the house I can have a fresh start and move on. Hubby hasn't even collected all his personal belongings yet.

Sonya

Wow Sonya..he sounds as cold and unfeeling as my ex..lol..it could be the same person..although my ex knocked up his "affair" 6 weeks after leaving us...he didnt have the kid 1st.
What I did was replace the pictures in the house...and bought a new rug for the lounge and changed the study around, bought new bedding (this was v v important) and new towels...tiny things but they worked...could you swap bedrooms? Decorate another room? Even if its temporary?
At 1st it is awful..I used to wander around the house all night crying going from room to room...it would drive me mad, the memories...I bagged up everything my ex had left and put it in the garage.
Next is to make your own memories in the house, have the girls round for a night regularly and eventually your bedroom will hold new memories again..I promise..
Lou x

Sonya

How you are feeling is normal. It's a huge shock to adjust to "me" when you've been used to "we".

Give yourself time, allow your parents to support you, do what you need to heal.

Nothing to be ashamed of, lots of people find it hard to be alone. My ex, for example, has only lived with his parents, me and his new gf, he's never been on his own.

Everyone has fears and worries and insecurities - there's nothing to be ashamed about, much better to admit it and seek help than pretend.

But you are stronger than you know.

Hi Sonya. Its hard to live in the home that you shared with someone that treated you so badly. But it takes 2 to tango. She is also involved. And to sit there with the wife of the man that gave you a baby just shows what sort of women that she is.

They are welcolm to each other and to be honest you are well rid of him. In time you will realise this. But for now you just have to get thru each day.

Sell the house if this will make you feel better. You can then get a new place that isnt tainted by them. Neither of them would have ever been in it. It will be a fresh start for you.

This is what I did. I got 30K from a remortage and I used this money as a deposit on my own home. Took me 11 months to secure it. I lived in the Garage for most of that time and it was tough. But I did it. Now I have my own home and its not tainted in anyway. My ex has never lived there. And its all mine. I close that front door and I know I control who crosses that doorstep. Thats a wonderful feeling. And one day you will have this feeling to. C.