I don’t want to insult the men that are better than I. Some men are very
good on there own. I wasn’t to start with.
Ok this is some of
the practical things I learned. And this is for mostly men. Coz I am one
and its men that usually get the marching orders. For one reason or
another. Ok women also leave. But I must say that women on the whole
survive better on there own.
Ok so your divorcing. And you have
to leave or supposed to leave. So what do you do?
Buy or rent
somewhere….
If you have the cash then buy. There is no
substitute for your own place. But usually you don’t have the cash because
you are paying (in effect) for 2 places until the divorce comes thru and
all the financials are sorted. So in reality I would rent.
In
case you didn’t know, renting somewhere is reasonable easy. Buying (now) is
hard. For one thing, if the mortgage company cotton on that yr married they
will want the STBX on the mortgage. This will place a ticking bomb in yr
lap that will explode in your face and you maybe homeless when the
financials get sorted. So my advice is rent.
Its also a mistake
to make yourself poor. By this I mean make your
outgoings more than you should if you was living alone.
The courts and
solicitors are not stupid and they will see
straight thru this tactic in a heartbeat. So will the ex. So stay on the
sensible side.
As I said renting is easy. Because you are a home
owner you will pass the credit check with flying colours. Rent agreements
come in a number of flavours. But mostly they are 6 month and 12 month
agreements. It costs to extend the agreement. In other words if you want to
stay on after your agreement ends then you have to pay to stay. Its not
usually a lot. But you need to factor it in to your sums. Also remember
that you will need a deposit (usually about the same as a months rent) and
a months rent up front.
Flat or bedsit? Bedsits are a no no
realy. If you have kids then you will turn instantly into a MaccyD dad. I
am sure you don’t want to spend all your
contact time sat in a fast
food restaurant and the kids need to be able to sleep over. So this means
minimum 2 beds flat. Its ok for the kids to share a room. As its only
temporary. But with 2 bed flats one could sleep on a put you up in the
front room. Ok so not ideal but hey. 2 bed flats are ideal because the
second bedroom can be used as a Chinese laundry.
Divorces
usually take a year or more before its all sorted out. So I would sign for
a year. That way you know your gona be ok for a year at least. And in
theory the house or savings or debts or what ever are settled by then. If
its not then its not gona be quick. So stay for another year. Not many
divorces take 2 years or more. If it does then your in a bit of bother.
What do you need?
A lost depends on where you live. If
you end up near a Uni then chances are there is a launderette to hand. If
you end up in a flat with no washing machine then this is your best bet
until you can get one sorted. But most flats come with White goods (washing
machines, fridge freezers etc) and so you will be OK. But if you don’t get
these white goods then you will have to buy new or second hand. Your
choice. Don’t get a tumble dryer. I did and it was a waste of money. I
never used it. I got one cos we had one. It also costs a fortune to run.
And having a second bedroom means that you have plenty of time to let
things dry.
For cooking all you realy need is a microwave. But
if its boil in the bag stuff you cant use it. So you will need a cooker.
But having a cooker is a good plan anyway as it lets you cook lots of other
things like soups etc.
Supermarket Chalange
When I was married I earned the money and was the benefactor. The ex’s
job was to turn this cash into stuff. And I didn’t know anything about the
stuff. Now that your on your own you need to deal with stuff. The best
person to show you stuff is our old friend womenkind. We are talking
supermarket shopping guys. Go to your local supermarket and select a women
about yr age and follow her. Ok from a distance. We are not talking
stalking here. But see what she buys. Pound to a penny she will pick the
special offers and the BOGOF’s (google it if you don’t know what it means).
She will probably have kids so ignore the nappies and Farleys rusks and
cheese strings.
Women know how to shop. I don’t mean handbags.
But most of them are used to running house and they (generally) do a good
job.
The reason why I say this about shopping is because you are
thrown in the deep end and usually you wont have a lot of spare cash. I got
by for a while on a fiver a week for grub. Its do able. Its Iceland and
Lidls based and its mega bland (we are talking boil in the bag
here) and veg. I wont bore you with it. I suspect you can guess.
And there is a very neat role reversal to be had here. I know the ropes
now. But one thing I do is if a women is standing near me I pick up say a
melon and squeeze it and smell the end. I bet you the women will do the
same. Cracks me up every time. Revenge is sweet haha.
Soup.
I never realy liked soup that much. It was a starter when you had a
meal in a restaurant. But soup is a life saver. And it costs almost nothing
to make. It’s a crime to buy soup. All you realy need is left over veg and
an onion. And if you can some potatoes. I call this soup zero soup. And the
realy great thing about soup is you can cook up a batch and put in the
freezer. Like it or not you are not always gona be able to cook a meal when
you get home. For what ever reason. You could be in realy late from work or
ill. And coupled with some bread makes a great quick meal. And you can eat
it in bed. Finish and turn the light off. The sealed beakers that you find
in pound shops are great for freezing soup. But leave a bit of a gap at the
top as its mostly water it expands when frozen. Ask me how I know dohh.
Cooking.
I could cook. I just didn’t know I could. In
fact we can all cook. I went on a cooking course when I first seperated.
And I am glad I did. I learned how to chop food properly and avoid waste.
And what I could do with the leftovers etc. It was the best 20 quid I ever
spent.
Most people don’t realise how important good food is.
Ready meals look (on the picture) good but when you warm them up in the
microwave or boil in the bag they are just mush. And they have almost no
goodness in them at all. So if you can afford it, cook from basic
foodstuffs like eggs, veg and meat.
I live like a king now. My
original budget was a fiver. That was a bit grim but after a while I
managed to improve this to 25 notes a week. Now I could eat realy well. And
I saved a little bit and once a month I had steak. Rib eye. There is
nothing like a hearty meal to make you feel a lot better. Try to time it
when life looks bad. We forget that food affects our whole being. You cant
perform in a 5 star way on 1 star food.
Bills.
I never the paid bills when I was married. My ex did. And I couldn’t tell
you how much a telly licence was or how much was a good price for carrots.
But you have to learn all this stuff. And a good place to start is with yr
current bills. Some people pay things quarterly. I don’t subscribe to this
view. Pay it all monthly. And at the start or end of the month. That way
when all the bills have gone out you can see what you have. I used to draw
the lot out in cash and put so much in jars. I had a jar for petrol for the
car and one for food. That way I could see at a glance how much I had. Its
all to easy to pay for things on plastic and get into debt. Many have huge
debts after divorce that they didn’t need to have. Look after the pennies
and the pounds will look after themselves.
Planning
When I was in the army we had a saying. It was the 7 P’s. I wont describe
what it means (google). It just means that good planning results in a good
performance. So plan. Plan what you need for the 1st week and so on. Plan
the money. Start with your income and work backwards. How much you need for
food, rent council tax gas and leccy. Then see how much you have left over.
You will be surprised how little there is. But the idea of these writings
is survival. So that means savings. And they start with the family home.
SKY TV mega sports pack? Gone. 50mb broadband? Gone. Monthly subs to the
Gym? You guessed it. Get rid off all the costs that cost you over and above
to function. It has to be this way and you have to be brutal. You cant be
paying for a monthly Prima, womens own, budgies weekly and starve. So you
have to get the family home down to size. Once this is done you can start
again and see what you can afford. This is course will please the ex no
end. But it has to be done if you are gona pay for 2 homes.
Mistakes (Going a bit bonkers).
You will make mistakes. The
biggest mistake is suddenly think “I am on the market I am single (your
not) and I am willing (maybe) and I am up for it (defo yes) and you hit the
town, pull and go a bit bonkers. This is a very bad idea for lots of
reasons with the mates. This will look like you planned it this way and
will defo p*** off the ex. Now that’s not a bad thing in itself but its not
using the Mk 1 ear ole separator. You need to get yr divorce and finacials
sorted. And you don’t need (ex)her in doors going for your privates big
style in a court room. So don’t placate. But don’t hand out invitations to
place you knackers in the walnut crackers. Use the noddle.
Don’t
buy things that you don’t need. I am not joking when I say this. Take a
list with you when you shop and stick to it. I often buy “this is cheap” –
or – I could do with that. Isnt that a nice ironing board cover? Don’t do
it. Stick to the list and you will stick to the budget. Remember this is
survival.
Moving
One of the things that I did was
list all the contents that I put in box’s. I had to buy all new (don’t
ask). You may or may not have to. But listing what’s in what box can save
you a lot of time. I moved in stages. Over 2 days. And on day 1 I only had
the car and I didn’t want to pop back for something essential that I
forgot. So I listed it all in a book (my secret planning book
) and I took what box’s I needed to survive until L
day (Luton day). When I could get the rest of my kit.
Grim.
I know this all sounds a bit grim. When you think back to what you
had. But this phase of your life is just a transition to a better one. You
will learn lots and will laugh now and again. But it don’t last long.
Perhaps 2 years tops. And mostly less than a year. But one thing I have
learned, is that when you lose one thing you gain another.
Thrival.
This isn’t a word realy. I mean thrive. In other
words when this is all done and dusted you go past survival and your into
thrive mode. This means that you have a new life and perhaps move into
something a bit better or meet someone new and set up home together.
Remember what you learned. We all learn something. Some guys are realy good
at looking after themselves and some not so. But you will have taken
something on board. So put it into practice. And never never never forget
what happened to you and why. C.
Forum 
England and Wales 
