Hi everyone,
I hope you all can take the time to read this,
perhaps the administrators could pin it to the top of the forum as a note
of reassurance for all those parents who are/were in my position trying to
increase their access and be around their children more often.
I shall explain briefly my situation and a the points I learned from
every court appearance that I attended to ensure whoever is reading this
will not do what I did.
First off the background.
Ex
and I were together for 6 years.
We had two children together.
I
left her one night last year (May) saying goodbye to my children whilst
they slept. Very difficult feeling and still brings a tear to my eyes now.
I am of completely good character and there is no violence in the
relationship.
From the off my ex sought a solicitor.
Within 13 days solicitor letter received saying my access will now be 3
hours per week. At a location of HER choice not mine.
This
revolved around the local park and play centres, however the key thing to
remember her is that SHE stayed and watched. This lasted for approx 3
months. Following an
appeal to her
solicitors I managed to get her to stop
following me around wherever we were. Only to find she was sat in the car
park/at the door! When I asked her why and will she stop I was told "If you
don't like it take me to court"
So I did.
The
contact order process (form
C100) is very simple, you can download it and then completed it and print
it, in order to keep it neat.
** Now then I couldn't afford a
solicitor despite me working, yet she could. She walked out of her job
she'd been in for 8 years in order to claim
benefits, and to move out of
our house I'd worked my backside off to pay for only to be given a council
house. She only did this once I'd signed into a 6 month contract for a
flat.
So I did this alone.
During this time I met
someone new. And obviously I kept this from both my children and my ex for
quite some time. **
The court date finally came through for 3
months AFTER I applied for
contact. The court system
is so so so slow. So please be patient.
Approx 3 weeks prior to
the first court date I had managed to plan a full day with our children
away from her and with my mum. However unfortunately my mum had been taken
ill. So, I chose to introduce my partner to the kids in a roundabout way.
Telling them this was daddy's friend. The kids are young so I knew they
wouldn't just say 'oh right dad I get it!" But this is where a few of the
problems came. I got a letter banning me from seeing the kids until the
court date. No explanation no further contact and no way of telling whether
my children are ok. Totally unfair. The only thing I was told was that my
children had mentioned another woman had been there to my ex and that was
enough to ban me. Crazy.
In between the application, and the
hearing
CAFCASS was due to call me and make an assessment. I
had to make the call and chase THEM. It took until the last minute to
receive the report and despite them recommending further access it didn't
actually happen.
Her salient points were:
I'm mentally
abusive
I can't look after the kids
I'm gonna run away with them
and never come back, I can't put what I do for a living on here but trust
me I wouldn't get far.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Anyways, back to the story.
First court date.
The solicitor
came out and immediately started to be a bully and demanding that I agree
to seeing the kids for 3 hours a week, In my head I was saying NO NO NO,..
but then I was also thinking YES I've not seen them for nearly a month...it
has to be yes. But I held on and the judge gave me another 2 hours so 5 it
was. Still not enough I was told but I was just thinking THANK GOD! I can
see them again. The court stated there will be 10 weeks in between
hearings.
Lessons in this, don't take what is on offer
from the solicitor first time round. Stand up for what you believe in and
tell them so. But be VERY calm. The judge will give you more, but not
everything you will want in the first hearing. THEY have to be sure. They
stipulated no other persons could be introduced to my children, as she made
a proper stink over me introducing my partner to them. So the court also
backed her on this. Despite there being no risks. And all access had to be
at somewhere of HER choosing along with just my mothers home. Remember the
courts HAVE to be sure.
Now then all contact went really well.
My ex and I seemed to be communicating well again.
Court
hearing number 2.
This time a different solicitor for her. She was a
total bully. Very aggressive and even threatened to walk out of the room
when I refused to accept an extra hour. (which makes 6) before going into
court. her words will stay with me forever... "We will remove all access if
you don't accept 6 hours with your children" I panicked and accepted. So,
the judge see's that we're getting along. The judge also instructed CAFCASS
to be involved in order for me to introduce my partner to the children.
AGAIN remember the judge has to be sure. Whilst I thought it was a stupid
decision, I've now been through this for so long and have read so much it
is generally a normal practise.
So the judge decides that I will see
the kids for 6 hours per week, and after pretty much begging I got to see
the kids on boxing day for 4 hours. This is something my ex was TOTALLY
against. But the judge backed ME.
Lessons, if you don't agree
with the solicitor and they threaten to walk out, let them. The fact that
you can't agree on access will only bring forward contested hearing. The
solicitors are programmed to be aggressive to the unrepresented. The
stronger you are to them the better it will be for YOU.
And as I've
said, don't just give in IF the threaten to walk out. I can't say it
enough. I crumbled. SHE revelled in that fact.
Again contact
went well, the CAFCASS meeting went so well, our children are brilliant and
they reacted so well with my partner (this was a supervised meeting with
CAFCASS, my partner and me) The report absolutely
slated my ex.
Court hearing number 3. (We're in Feb this year
if you're still reading!)
This time round I felt so low, I needed
help. And this is where I managed to get some money to approach a solicitor
to come to the court and help me. I did all the correspondence, she came to
court and did the talking.
This time SHE had a
barrister with her, and my solicitor and seemed to get
on -> fair play she definitely helped. I was given more access, and this
increased month by month. I was happy but the court would still not allow
overnights. Mostly because she was so against it. For reasons only she
knows. However as we couldn't agree overnights there was now a time for a
contested hearing. Where I had to put a statement in and state why I should
be having overnights and why contact should increase.
Lessons,
solicitors don't pushed around by other
solicitors. They seem to have a special code
where they talk to each other and come to an agreement. (See lessons after
court hearing number 2.) The solicitor then told me that she couldn't come
to this and it had to be a
barrister. She told me the cost (£550 to £750 plus VAT)
This is something I couldn't afford even more so as it had to be paid
upfront!
So again I was on my own.
Court hearing number 4.
We're in May now kids, keep up.
This time her barrister was back, as I
was on my own yet again she was on the attack. Totally agressive towards my
hours of work saying THAT's now the problem. This actual hearing seemed to
blur into non existence really I got some more access but no overnights.
A funny thing happened at this one which I didn't expect. HER
barrister asked for a final hearing. Stating the a piecemeal approach
wasn't working. The judge stepped in and ordered one further hearing to see
if we can get along and if not a final hearing would take place. This was a
surprising turn up for the
books.
Lessons, when you're
thinking its going to be finished at this point you're wrong. Just cos its
a contested hearing doesn't mean it'll be all plain sailing. The barrister
is there to win for their respective clients. Stay strong and believe in
yourself. It'll all come good.
In between the two hearings I
gleaned some very useful information that my children were now staying
overnight at her new boyfriends house. Obviously I immediately raised this
with her and in reply I got a barrage of abuse. Saying I was wrong etc
etc....
Court hearing number 5.
This time round I
approached the solicitor I had last time to come and perhaps get things
going again.
She had a different barrister with her this time, which
seemed to tip the balance the other way. She didn't stand for any cr@p from
my ex. My solicitor successfully argued that we should have overnights and
I managed to get some access over the summer holidays. Which was FANTASTIC.
However we simply couldn't agree on regular overnight access and how it
would all work.
SO final hearing it was. Once again as the next
hearing is classed as a "hearing" where evidence would be given the
solicitor wouldn't be able to come so I couldn't afford another barrister
and I was now on my own again.
Lessons; Clearly solicitors do
work. But affording them is another matter. Keep with your beliefs. Don't
back down. They will walk all over you if you do.
During this
time I had to put my position statement forward to the courts stating what
I was asking for and when/why etc. LESSONS! Put EVERYTHING down, even
taking the children abroad, if its not there it won't be talked about at
court. so DO IT! Mention dates, times etc. Oh and a piece of advice, for
any statement you put to the family courts. Number all your points. 1.1,
1.2 etc I have an example if anyone wants to PM me but you'll have to bare
with as I'll need to edit it first.
I asked for a 50/50 split of
my time with the children and her. Xmas to be alternated between us. And so
on.
Court hearing number 6. (Yes 6 - we're talking last
friday)
This was the do or die moment. I was so tense leading up
to this day, I missed out of a really good job just 6 days prior which
would have really helped us all financially so I was not looking for
another piece of bad news!
She took until the very last day prior to
the hearing to submit her response to my position. She went through every
point I made and disagreed with it ALL. It was very negative and not at all
progressive. Her line was very clearly drawn in the sand.
Once
again we were back in court, the same barrister from last time was there
for her. We were supposed to be there 30 minutes prior to negotiate. In my
mind there was no point in negotiating something she disagreed with.
Anyway she came out bold as the proverbial she sat down on the
bench in front of me (not in an office where it would be private) and said
right then, shall we start with negotiating? To which I replied "Are we
doing this in public? I don't think we are!" This completely wrong footed
her, so we went to somewhere privately and she started taking my statement
to bits saying I was unrealistic, I wasn't thinking of the children and
that her client was offering tea times whilst they're at
school but nothing else. Yet I could
have them overnight on some weekends. But due to work patterns I would only
be having them every 3 weeks for 1 overnight. NOT GOOD ENOUGH I told her.
So she just said its clear that we wont agree. Lets go into
court.
So we did, I had to give evidence. Her barrister really
took me to task. Very aggressive line of questioning but I stood firm.
ADVICE: Never waiver with your answers. The moment you do they will
have you. Always reply confidently. And turn to the judge at all times with
your reply unless directed otherwise.
She got her facts wrong
several times, I stood firm with my answers and she looked foolish when she
was wrong and she had to apologise for making the mistake. I never once got
it wrong.
ADVICE: When you write your position statement make
sure you know what is in there and that you BELIEVE in what is there.
When I filled in the
C100 15 months ago
my message was simple, I wanted to provide a consistent and loving family
environment for my children. Be there regularly for them and to help them
grow up. THIS NEVER CHANGED. So when the questions came in I never waivered
from what I was saying. Because I BELIEVED in what I stood for.
Then it was my turn to question her, I didn't really feel comfortable
doing this. I explained this to her and pretty much asked her to sit down.
For anyone wondering Her barrister DOES NOT question HER client. YOU DO. If
you feel comfortable doing this go prepared. Read her statement and have
some questions ready. There was too much water under the bridge for this
for me.
Anyways, the judge came back after lunch and indicated
that I would pretty much get everything I wanted. Not the same amount of
nights per week but enough for me and everything else I asked for too. It
was just down to us two sorting it out and going back in with a draft
order.
Here comes the drama, my ex threw a total wobbler in the
room. Screaming and shouting at her barrister. Clearly this was the end of
the road. Even for me it wasn't nice to witness. Even though we're not
together doesn't mean I don't care. Anyways, everything was agreed. I get
xmas this year she gets new year. I get to take them abroad (when I can
afford it in like 2020!)
Really pleased. The barrister even
came down a peg or 5. She was quite nice to me afterwards really.
The final act was for it to be signed off by the judge and that was
it.... OR WAS IT?
As we left the barrister walked over to me to
hand me the judges notes for his decisions. And under her breath she said
"Well done" and she shook my hand.... Blimey, I've won. I beat a trained
barrister ON MY OWN.
LESSONS: BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, As long as
your of good character and you're realistic and fair you WILL succeed.
I'm sorry that this post will read like war and peace but just in
case you're wondering why I put myself through this here's why....
During last summer I saw my children for 3 hours in the park while she
followed us round like a hawk (maybe there was a helicopter waiting for us)
My son was on my shoulders and I couldn't stop crying, he's a sensitive
soul and knew I was crying. He reached down and said don't cry daddy.... I
couldn't help myself. I just said to him, "son do you trust me?" he said
"yes" "so I told him that I will do everything to make this better ... and
now I have...
I love them both so much this is what they deserve.
Thanks for reading.
S38
Forum 
England and Wales 
Scotland 
