Re:mediation round one

hey guys
been awhile, i have been scarce and busy with work so apologies for not posting more.
contact has been going ok, no hiccups or bumps up till this weekend. got messed about with times etc but will note it, not fight it, and take it in stride.

about to attend mediation with the ex. part of the last consent order its a must if we cant move forward and i am not getting anything more than once night alternate weekends. looking for the usual, a midweek overnight and half of holidays. not after alternate xmas or bdays as i know how much this means to the stbx.
am getting a flat no on the increase to 2 nights for fri/sat so if i have to make a comporomise i am going in with the view to accept sat am to mon am, something i am not sure she has thought of quite honestly. also after the last report cards i would like to have them 2 schoolnights as it appears no homework was being done (but i will not use this a a reason as it will surely get the stbx back up.)
i went for my first solo session a few weeks back, made all my points clear and what my goals were. stbx is going next week so assume it will all kick off mid september.
just looking for any pointers from anyone thats attended.

i am very very nervous i am going to be railroaded into agreement for something i dont want so just looking for some tips on dealing with the face to face.
I am not interested in arguing, mudslinging, tit for tat antics..just want to remain calm and address thecore issues i have
number one the fact my stbx appears completely unsupportive of the childrens relationship with me
and two, an increase in the contact i currenlty have.

all the signs and advice point to the fact i am not asking for anything out of the ordinary and that if i went straight back to court i would probably get at least the weekends and the holidays. i am willing to accept a reduction in holidays if it means i get the midweek staying contact.

just getting the jitters is all. my ex is a nightmare to deal with...

Hi EOH,

You sound like you've got a fair proposal and attitude to this.

I just wanted to add, it may help to predict any negatives your ex would say to prevent your proposal and prepare responses in a child centred way.

If you have prepared responses for any possible comments and can provide solutions maintaining your Child focussed stance.

eg. Ex says she doesn't want you to have the kids till Monday am as they have school. You say, I am happy to ensure the kids are ready for school and plan to leave home at Xam to get them to school for X, I will ensure the kids routine isn't broken etc. etc.

Support your extended contact with what possibilities this could have for the kids - visits to your extended family for the weekend or camping weekends which you'll be able to enjoy fully without rushing back. But generally more time to do things together.

Make sure you have a plan for if the kids are ill (at either home) for your proposed contact, if they have friends parties they want to go to (you are able to take them and collect) consider all possibilities.

Also if you can think of the worst things that can be said, it will help you to maintain calm and won't be such a shock.

Good luck and let us know how you go.

WR

Thanks WR as always

The school routine I am totally set on. In fact I used to to do the homework and things in the evenings so am not surprised this has fallen to the wayside.
I am actually moving and will be closer to the school than my ex. the argeument will be that she wont be happy for the two elder to be dropped and hte youngest dropped separtely to her. god knows why. i am not even sure what her arguement will be but she is a master at twisting everything ESPECIALLY if she feels her control is being threatened.
to be honest i am more scared of mediation thatn going back to court. i know that at least cafcass and a judge would probably agree with what i am proposing as its the 'norm'. its sitting across from her listening to her twist and turn and make it all about her AND managing to manipulate the mediator to be onside and being railroaded by them both into submission, which is EXACTLY what happned with cafcass. i guess i just have to learn to breath and calmly think. i feel i am willing to compromise on the way contact works but i am in no way willing to compromise on the amount of contact. my kids tell me everytime they see me they wish they saw me more etc;

i guess i am just scared of not coming across as child focused. it benefits them in so many ways to spend time with both of us but i feel like i have to squash 7 days of activity into 1.5 at the minute. and i want to take them to school, chat to the teachers, go to sports days, spend school mornings getting them ready, help them with their homework, take them to the doctors, the lot. i just feel like i ws cut out of their lives and this scrap of contact i have now is enough for stbx.

OK I just wanted to offer some advice (as am a negotiator and appreciate you're not in a business negotiation but there are some things that might help.)

If I was you, I would write down the perfect / ideal scenario i.e. half school holidays, alternate weekends, mid week overnight, alternate birthdays, alternate Chrismtas and New Year, special family occasions i.e. weddings (with notice period,) birthday parties of grandparents etc. This is where I would start off!

As White Rose suggests I would have in mind (or in writing) your justifications / solutions to support your proposal and to be ready for any obstacles put in your way.

Do not get wound up by the 'I'm just not ready for this that and the other.' Or the kids don't want it. Get some stock answers in your head i.e. 'Sorry you feel that way, but what you are suggesting is not acceptable' or 'I understand that's your point of view but that's not how the children and I see the situation to be.' Just so you don't get drawn into anything.

You said you would sacrifice Christmas and Birthdays for mid weeks. I take it she doesn't know this? Use it as THE concession and if you get to a point where your STBX is saying absolutely no way to Christmas etc, then sacrifice it on the understanding that you will get the mid week. But make sure she thinks you have conceded something valuable and don't give it away cheaply at the start of discussions.

Hope this makes sense.

In answer to your next post, you mustn't agree to anything you are not happy with. So have in mind a walk away point i.e. as well as a best case scenario, what's the worst that you are willing to accept?

If the worst case scenario is not acceptable to your ex and you feel that you are not getting anywhere, I would say that you are sorry that you can't reach agreement and would like to call it a day and thank everyone for their time.

Wow Chezzie,

Fantastic!

I would like to add, that if its possible could you ask for a 'trial period' for your proposal.

ie. If she come up with loads of negatives of how it will affect her ........ you could say well, lets trial it for 6 months and see how it goes with a review date in March next year.

Also - emphasise that you want to take on the day-to-day stuff (with your midweek proposal) to give her a break, as you understand how much hard work it must be for her, and also wanting to do your bit with the regular stuff, not just fun weekend stuff.

You said you fear you're not coming across as child focused, but your last para says it all:

it benefits them in so many ways to spend time with both of us but i feel like i have to squash 7 days of activity into 1.5 at the minute. and i want to take them to school, chat to the teachers, go to sports days, spend school mornings getting them ready, help them with their homework, take them to the doctors, the lot. i just feel like i ws cut out of their lives and this scrap of contact i have now is enough for stbx.

Good Luck

WR x

wow chez thank you so much and you know what..i NEVER thought of going in asking for things i wasnt fussed about then using them as a tactical vito.
Brilliant advice from both of you fab ladies. now just to get all the words out without stumbling over them like a drunk sailor.