Its got so bad between daughter & father

Sorry for the lame title but at this hour of the morning its all I could think of.

It feels like my daughter has either abandoned me or simply wants to make me suffer for my decisions.

I've been separated from my X now for two years. Our relationship was dead and I was lucky enough to meet a wonderful lady who loves me as much as I do her.

I tried to do the best I could for our only child, she is 11 now and I waited some 6 months or so before introducing her to my new partner, eventually they started to form a relationship. She made things a little difficult when she wanted to start sleeping over by insisting I stay with her but my partner knew how close we were and gave her support.

When things were good she was coming to our house 3 or 4 times a week for tea, visits and regular sleep-overs, even around my shift work.

Its my belief that my X started to see her daughter get too comfy with us. Little lies started to creep into events and her mother then got her to spy on us.
Sadly, this is a fact and I was shocked to my core when I read a copy of her text messages stored via internet backups on O2's bluebook utility.

The visits got less and although I made it a policy to see my daughter on my own when possible - it was not enough for her and she asked to only see me and not my partner.

Is now been over 6 months since she last saw my partner. We have had awful arguments on the phone with tears on both sides. The last time I saw her was for 2 hours, 6 weeks ago and 4 weeks ago I got a text saying she would contact me when she wanted to talk.

I have suggested she sees myself and my partner one week (or weekend) and then just me the following week - but she refuses to budge and has stated she will only see me on my own. No doubt she sees me as being unreasonable as I think she is.

The summer holidays have gone and I'm still waiting for a call or text.

I'd found out that she was seeing a child councilor even though I wasnt informed or consulted by anyone. Eventually I phoned the councilor who sounded surprised that I wasnt a wife-beating ogre. It seems my daughter was giving her a very distorted view of events.

I really cant go on much more like this.

My relationship with my wife was stained for years before our separation & during that period I spent lots of time with my daughter and was so close to her, I dont know how we have come to this.

She is about to start at her new school soon and I'd planned buying uniforms for her and helping kit her out, but its not going to happen.

All I can think of is to contact her and say that I understand she does not want any more upset before going to the new school but once she's settled in, maybe we can start over.

I STRONGLY suspect her mother is behind most of her actions but, I believe she is also old enough to know the hurt she is causing and still chooses to do so.

Our divorce is nearly complete, even though its been progressing for over a year, I thought this might have been a factor for her but I talked this though with her as she knew from the start and seemed to accept it.

Any advise for anyone to try and heal this rift is most welcome.

Thank You - F.

Hi falco, I feel for you as this must be very hard.
Its a difficult age your daughter is at and although she will understand quite a bit dont credit her with too many adult feelings or understandings. Its my experience that kids of this age may act grown up sometimes but are still kids and cannot always be left to their own decisions?
Yes i suspect your ex is at the heart of it especially after the texts you saw.

The only thing I can really say is that you need to get some time alone with her away from home and have a one off straight to the point chat, tell her in simple terms where your at, your feelings for her and what you wish for her, after that she needs to make her own decision but i hope it involves you.

You sound a loving caring dad and im sure you must be hurting alot.
I expect your ex wife also loves your daughter immensely. It obviously is a difficult time for all parties involved.My advice is be patient. Dont force her against her will or more damage could be done. Carry on being as patient loving and caring as you have been and she will, in her own time, realise you are a good dad and she wants to spend time with you. Dont be too quick either to blame it all on her mum. You dont know what is being said etc on the other side as your ex wife doesnt know whats being said and done on your side.Summizing can be damaging. Keep in touch with her by phone, text email letter etc to let her know you are there for her but there is no pressure.It maybe later on you and your ex wife maybe able to converse in gettting to the bottom of your daughters issues. If conflict is installed at this stage it will be hard to work together for the future.
But be in no doubt you are her dad and whatever you are feeling she does love you and her feelings must come first at all times

Stay strong and positive.

The one fact that you are in possession of is that at the moment you are not seeing your daughter at all.
Ok this could be because of the mother alienating her.Doesn't really matter one way or another.It has worked.
You must now rebuild a relationship with your daughter.
Her terms are she doesn't want your partner around.Therefore,her terms can be respected but obviously to also accomodate your terms that you don't want to completely alienate your partner you will have to limit the time you see your daughter.(You don't tell her that though)
Try and make an agreement that you do something with her every other weekend for a limited period 2/3 hours lets say.Try and make it an activity so that you have a joint interest,but something you can do together.
Just see how that goes,but you have to forget what has happened,what relationship you thought you had,and start rebuilding from the start again.
Then if you take it slowly,you may rebuild a new relationship.
You can bet your boots that the mother has filled her in on the fact that you had an affair with your partner and that's why she don't like you or her at all.that's why it's start again time.
All the best
Pete

Hello,

I just wanted to write and offer some support to you in what mut be a terrible time

If it's any consolation, I think that if you are patient and persistant and remain in your daughter's life she will come back to you.

11 is a really difficult age for children and it could be an extremely difficult situation and existence for a little girl, put in the middle by her Mum

She might be so sick of all the questions after a weekend at your house (from her Mum) that she's decided it's easier not to bother.

But as most kids do, she probably wishes that you and her Mum would get back together (my kids wish this, despite there being no chance and my little girl is always looking for signs that me and her Dad get along.)

I don't know why things are the way they are but am guessing that perhaps your partner has become a reminder to your little girl that there is no hope of sticking the family back together and she's trying to pretend she doesn't exist and get some quality time with you while she comes to terms with the divorce? Reading between the lines this is what this sounds like.

It's not fair to you that your daughter is not wanting to spend time with you or with you and your partner together. If she's been encouraged in this position by her Mum it's deeply wrong in my opinion.

You might have seen that I've written before about my partner's ex who is extremely hostile and difficult about contact, although his daughter is much younger. His ex absolutely despises me (because I support him and she thinks that I am trying to replace her as a Mum - I'm not.) There seem to be some women (and men) unfortunately that use their own children to hurt their exes by being difficult about making the child available for contact. However, I truly believe that one day this will backfire on them and their children will question their lack of contact with their Dad's.

I really think that you are correct and that there's no point in arguing with her about visiting you at home and perhaps the best thing to do would be to give some thought to some activities you can do together with her to try to build up your relationship again gently on her terms. Even if you called her and said you feel she is totally right about seeing you on your own and that you are sorry and see if she wants to spend a day with you out pony riding or at go ape or whatever 11 years old girls like to do and take it from there slowly.

I was recently talking to a neighbours 16 year old girl in my garden. Her Mum is strongly opposed to contact with the girls father and very anti the new partner. She was moaning that the step family get all his time and attention and when she sees him the other children are always there. There had been a big row about it between them and she was saying her Dsd didn't understand she needed to see him alone. It's very sad.

Hope you can make it work.

Hy Falco

My heart goes out to you in this diffuclt time, We are in or have been in the exact same situation. I came along years after the divorce, things were going good in the beginninbg and I started to build a a lovley relationship with my partners daughter.

Slowly the visits became less, she started asking strange questions, her behaviour was suspicious & she started taking phonecalls from her mother in her bedroom, I would buy her clothes and she never wore them and we would never see then again, she started to see her mother more and more tempted by shopping trips and partys with grown ups etc.. She started to come out with statements of her view of the divorce (I obviously had been havign affair with her dad in her version).

Slowly her mother has chipped away at her and sucessfully brainwashed her into beleiving every fantasy story and lie she can think of, we have been through hell, sadly we have nothing to do with the daughter because of whom she has become, we can not tolerate it any longer,

the only advice I can give is sit tight & keep in touch with your daughter via phonecalls, emails, letters, whatever let her know you care deeply about her. Your partner will ahve to take a back seat with her for a short while until your daughter builds some trust with you and sees you are happy and your new partner is not a threat in anyway, Hopefully her counselling will help her through this too.

PA is so common, read up on it a little and you will see that there are lots of fathers whom are subjected to this, learn a little why Mothers do this and try and work work from there.

I dont hold out much hope for our situation due to circumstances incurred, however be there for her when you can, involve your partner in all action you wish to implicate so she does not feel isolated, be a team and work towards rebuilding your relationship with daughter, it will be hard, if it doesnt work in the forseeable future, at least you gave it your all.

Wishing you well.

Angel 1

Hi Falco ((HUG)).
Well I talk from the other side of the fence.
My ex left me almost 3 years ago for somebody else.
Praise to you for taking things slowly with your partner for the sake of your daughter tho. My ex intro'd his new woman within days of leaving us and this has caused almost 3 years of friction and reluctance in the kids wanting to visit.
Contact has now stopped (him and his now wife think it's in the kids best interest) as my kids stressed they wanted to see Daddy but not his wife or their child (who was born 11 months after he left). They have never had any time just with my ex as, since the day he moved out his wife attended every contact visit and was living with him within weeks.
My ex though says "XXX (wife and child) and me are a family and if the children visit they visit my family, not just me.
I have begged him to reconsider, to take our 2 to his parents house (which is plenty big enough) for a weekend and play things slowly so that eventually his wife and their child could visit for tea etc and build up the relationship slowly but he wont have it at all.
I have never said anything to harm the childrens contact with their dad...hand on heart..with 5 kids at home, believe me I used to love it when the youngest 2 went off for the weekend so I could have a bit of me time.
I think you're doing all the right things though...keep texting, keep talking to her..even if shes being stubborn carry on, just to know that you care enough to persevere will pay dividends....unfortunately for my 2 Dad thinks phoning is useless as they dont want to talk...whereas I've told him that even if he phones 2 or 3 times a week just for them to be told "Daddys on the phone for you" makes them know he's fighting to see them.
Good look, stay strong.
Lou xx