I\'m still standing!

Hi All!
Not been here for a while..have an update on life for you.
Well, I'm still really happy in relationship with "new" man (not so new now as we celebrated our 1st anniversary on Monday).
Ex does not see the children anymore, his choice. Their reluctance to visit him ended up as scared to death of visiting him so he decided it was in their "best interest" not to visit...beggars belief..now they get a phone call a week if they're lucky! My ex still claims not to have any money and that they are living of an inheritance his wife had from her grandparents (must have been flipping rich as they've been living like movie stars for 2 years now in their massive house!)She, according to him provides all the money and when the kids said that they didnt like going to his because "when Daddys there XXX is nice to us but when daddy goes out XXX is horrible"...I questioned this and he said (we were talking on the phone at the time) "my wife would never be horrible to the kids but, as they've said she's horrible to them she has decided not to fund the children anymore"...what a !"£$%^&*!!!!
So, apart from never having a break / lie in etc lifes been plodding along well now for a few months and the little 2 are much happier.
Unfortunately my 12 year old son and 14 year old daughter are making life a misery. 12 year old constantly stealing cigarettes and smoking them in his room...he's agressive and quite frankly awful...14 year old daughter has got into a bad crowd over the summer and has stolen money off us which we'd been saving for a holiday.
I feel as though I cant stand my older 2...I'm embarrassed that they're anything to do with me...my partner is lovely and has brought a quality to their lives that I havent been able to and is always treating them (we're off on our 1st family holiday abroad in 4 weeks) and this is how he's repaid...how can I get over this? The older ones dad is quite useless and shirks his responsibilities all the time...I told their dad this morning that if their behaviour continued I would ask for them to be put into care (it was just a threat, I wouldnt) and he said "I dont blame you!"...then I shouted that he had to see them more or give me maintenance (he hasnt paid anything for them for 8 years)....jeeze...just when you think lifes sorted eh?
Any advice gratefully received!
Lou xx

Lou

I was quite shocked to read that you think your son is "awful" and that you are "embarrassed" that your older two are related to you.

I think you are placing too much emphasis on what the fathers aren't doing, you cant make them be parents, or take responsibility. You have that responsibility, and even though you feel its unfair that you appear to have that responsibility solely, fact is that you are the one constant in their [the children] lives.

It sounds to me as though the 12 and 14 yos are testing you, testing the boundaries of your love. Kids do this, esp ones that have been let down by one parent. And for you to say that you would place them in care (even as a threat) is a dreadful thing to say. I hope they weren't around when you said that, or that their father repeated this to them - although it might explain some of their recent behavior.

Instead of concentrating on what others have, try to concentrate on what YOU have - 4 healthy children, a loving partner, a home, and make the most of this. Its often too easy to think that others should be doing more, or resent them for appearing to have more, but it means that all that is good in your own life is often over-looked or belittled.

Perhaps your older two would benefit from child counselling? They too, have been through a lot over the past couple of years - and that shouldn't be over-looked. Make some time for just you and them, work on your relationship with them, let them know that you love them. Tell them how proud you are of them.

Dont give up on them, Lou, and never be ashamed of your children.

Ruby

Ruby,
Whilst I appreciate your response I dont like being spoken down to.
Of course I didnt mention going into care with my children within earshot...I was at work, at my desk when their dad called me and I "tested" him by saying that. His response has shocked me.
I am wondering whether you have ever experienced your children stealing from you? Smoking in your house knowing (a) it is a non-smoking house and (b) rented and so could jeopardise our tenancy and leave us homeless (this is not the 1st time he has done it) should my landlord call around unannounced which he does every now and again.
My children know that I love them...they have seen me striving for them for the past almost 3 years..seen me go without food to feed and clothe them...seen me dead on my feet after a full day at work hoovering around them whilst they sit on the sofa watching TV...these are not the little 2, the children in question are a few months away from being 13 and 15 and should know better.
My parenting cant be that far off track as my 17 year old daughter is a delight..has never stolen from me, smoked, sworn at me and she has had the same life as the others.
I am, I admit ashamed of them today...and if you were sat here in my shoes I wonder how you would feel? Sat wondering what horrors await you at home, wondering what they've robbed / eaten (I always stress to them not to go through the cupboards like locusts while I'm at work "please have cereal and toast for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch, I'll make dinner when I get home") as they make food that I've bought in for a week last about 2 days! I now have to have a lock fitted to my bedroom door and must walk around my own home with my handbag constantly over my shoulder!
I had nothing growing up, we lived in abject poverty on a council estate but I would have NEVER stolen off my parents.
It is very easy sitting in an ivory tower giving advice...the reality is much harder to take.
Add to this that my partner has treated these kids like royalty and this is how he's been repaid...tell you what, if I were in his shoes I'd run a mile!
Lou x

I think you are especting too much from your children. Most (all?) do things like this. If you let them sit there while you hoover round them after a day at work what do you expect? If they are hungry they will est. I can't tell you the number of times I have got home planning to cook those sausages/chicken/eggs/cheese for dinner only find it has all been eaten.
Their Dad does not want to take responsibility for them, no it's not fair but that's the way it is, you can either blame that lack of parenting for everything or you can get on and make a family with your new partner. It sounds to me as though you are jealous of his "moveie star lifestyle" don't be, you have your children.

I think thats an awfully ungrateful reponse to Ruby!

Ruby has given you the most sound constructive advice you should have hoped for.

I however am not so diplomatic in your plea. You chose to have those children and there your responsibility, as said you can not force there fathers into playing an active role in their lives, how much time you are wasting doing this? You have introduced a new man whom clearly has a heart of gold, so stop wasting time moaning about the abscence and lack of support of their time wasting fathers.

You need routine in your life and you need to get your children to start respecting you, they can not do that if they see you tired all the time, moaning about the things you have to do for them, There behaviour is a way of crying out for attention from you.

So what if your ex is living like a movie star - He made a choice to get out of a situation he was unhappy in, do the same, do something about it! Get those kids to counselling sessions and get to the bottom of thses problems.

You say you never stole off your parents? ask your self WHY did you not do this? then ask your self WHY are your kids doign this to you?

If Ruby or anyone else is sitting in "Ivory Tower" giving advice then so what thats the choice we made in life with no apologies to anyone.

I can not be sympathetic to your situation, you have the love and support of a man you have so desired to have - Use that as a strength and introduce some love and stability into thier lives, there your kids and your responsible for whatever they do.

divorcegirl - I think you've got the wrong end of the stick...the fathers of my younger 2 (movie star...lol) and older 2 are different.
The "movie star" ex I'm not jealous of..I just wish he'd think about the kids a bit more..I dont want his lifestyle but £20 a week would go a long way in our house and this must be loose change to him.
The father of my older 2 is in the same boat as us..not much money, lives with his (lovely - and I mean that shes a decent woman) wife and her teenage son and I have never asked him for child support..saying that though his behaviour of late is exasperating..he has been seeing the older 2 much less and saying ridiculous things like "well, they dont like doing what I do" to which I reply "well for the sake of 1 day a week do something THEY like, do you think I enjoy scrambling about softplay centres, getting splashed in the face 1000 times in the baby pool at the swim baths, sitting on the floor while my hair is put into a million bobbles? No, I'd much rather be sat with a good book and a cream cake but this is PARENTING"...his sister (ex of oldest kids) has just been into my office and said she cant believe how selfish her brother is!
Lou x

Hi Lou,

Its a thankless task, and it sounds like you're doing a great job (under the circumstances).

I've read your original post a few times and would want to comment.

There seems to be a few issues there

The one about your ex's wife being nice to the kids when he's around and being horrible when he's not - My initial response was; what was said or done that was horrible? Could the kids be picking up that you are resentful of him/her and could be showing you their loyalty by telling you she is horrible?

By trying to get to the bottom of the allegation, your ex has defended his wife and the whole thing has exploded to the point that they won't have them round anymore

Its a shame its come to this, regardless of anything else they should still have contact with their Dad, could anything be salvaged?

The second thing (and please don't take offence) is that you 'tested' him by making your comment about taking them into care. It was probably because you were at the end of your tether.

The whole way you are both communicating is not getting either of you anywhere. He doesn't realise what he needs to do emotionally or financially and you resent his lifestyle and lack of support to you and the kids.

You're frazzled and drained and p*ssed off with him and he probably retaliates back.

It sounds like - to me - he's not going to change or step up to his responsibilities, so whats left .......

One way is - you both stay angry with each other and this stand off continues or escalates.

or

You find a way of accepting what isn't going to change and work to getting whats best for the kids.

It aint easy and it aint fair by any means.

But all this cr*p puts added pressure on you and your fab relationship. (Happy 1st Anniversary BTW)

I do know what you've gone through (from your other posts) and you're a strong lady.

Take care

WR