Custody assessment

My wife wants custody with me only having every other weekend custody for our children. I feel this is fundamentally wrong and not fair on the children. Is there any study I can quote that supports the view that boys with little contact with their fathers are suffer in some way? Is there any case law I can draw on? Is there anything else I can do? My wife had 2 affairs and I find it particularly galling that she thinks she would be the better parent, I feel that a 50/50 split would be more appropriate. Please help.

There isn't any good evidence about little boys particularly needing to live with their father. Both boys and girls need good contact with both parents if possible. Where it is not possible then other men (for example family members or longstanding family friends) can provide good father figures and role models. Children with good contact with both parents do better, but that doesn't mean 50:50 parenting, just a strong continuing relationship.

You can try and make a case that 50:50 is best for your children but it would probably depend on what has happened to date. If your wife has been a stay at home mum and the children would be in childcare on your days when otherwise she could be looking after them then you would be much less likely to succeed. The history of her having had two affairs will not come into it unless it has a direct affect on her parenting.

Shared care on the 50:50 model is more likely to work if the parents are amicable and co-operate over it, so you need to get this through negotiation (maybe in mediation) if possible.

Best wishes,
Sadie

Hi Sadie and thanks for your honesty. My boys are 16 and 11 and I feel should be allowed to voice their opinions, another thing that my wife doesn't want. We both work and both have the ability to be around the home when the boys come backl from school etc. I am very capable round the house etc. I just can't believe that it is fundamentally right for any 1 parent to have custody if there are no extreme issues such as violence etc

Hi Spyder,

I was in the same situation as you two years ago and made a number of critical mistakes in trying to achieve a shared parenting arrangement, which to me (and my son) was the desired outcome. Sadly, the court and social work systems are set up to prevent what many other civilised countries view as the best outcome for children. In the end, my son and I got 30% of his time, but not before "the forces of hell" were unleashed against me by my ex-wife (the system also encourages otherwise sensible mothers to play dirty - be warned!).

Anyway, the important thing I wanted to say was that there is a long established and non-militant charity: Families need Fathers, who have campaigned for shared parenting for nearly 30 years and offer huge amounts of wisdom and guidance to committed parents like us. I would suggest you have a look at their website - or give one of their advisors a call, and prepare your case carefully, before taking any further steps.

For example, citing her two affairs (my wife had one too) will work against you rather than for you. It's not about her behaviour, or who is the better parent, it's simply about what is best for the children.

Good Luck!

BB

Thanks BB, will do

Your kids ages are also key, your oldest can chose where he wants to live now, and the 11 year olds views will also be looked at closely.
My kids are 8 and 9.5 and they want to stay with me, but the cr*p legal system in this country lets her dictate the rules, this is so unfair.
There are a lot of fathers who aren't bothered, but I am one of those fathers who would love to have the kids full time. I would not however restrict their access to the X as that would bring me down to her level.

I was assuming your children were much younger. Their ages make a lot of difference. As Supermario says, your sixteen year old can do what he likes anyway and you and your wife will have to live with his choice (and any changes of mind). In my experience most teenagers like to have one ­base­ but he may want to try moving between you.

I really would suggest mediation, but maybe involving all of you as your elder one has a legal right to decide where he goes and the younger one will be expected to have a view that is taken into account if it goes to court. If you do go to court, by the time you have finished fighting about it your younger one will be even older. By the time he is fourteen or so you would both be hard put to make him put up with any living arrangements he hasn't agreed to.

Best wishes,
Sadie