Advice - Fathers Acces to Children

Gershie wrote:

I am sure that my son would have loved his mother and me to share his first solo bike ride, his first width of the swimming pool and the many of the other firsts in his life, but he has been deprived of that because his mother put herself first. Those are not adult issues, they are child issues caused by her selfish behaviour and despite his young age he is already aware of why.

Gershie
Exactly the same thing here,
My daughters mother also missed seeing her first solo bike ride and first solo swimming session.
The stupid woman has lost out on these things because of her ignorance and arrogance.
In fact she has missed out on almost all of our daughters firsts.
She spoke her first words while with me and I held her hands when she took her first steps.
My daughter at 7yrs old is also fully aware of her mothers stupid attitude even though I do try to conceal/excuse it.

Gershie wrote:

I am sure that my son would have loved his mother and me to share his first solo bike ride, his first width of the swimming pool and the many of the other firsts in his life, but he has been deprived of that because his mother put herself first. Those are not adult issues, they are child issues caused by her selfish behaviour and despite his young age he is already aware of why.

Gershie

I'm sorry, but are you saying that a child would be better off living with unhappy parents who quite clearly do not want to stay together and are only doing so because it's easier? If parents work together during seperation in the best interests of their children then those "firsts" can easily be overcome. I'm sure there are many dads who have taken kids to the park and they have managed their first bike ride with no stabilisers with no mum there, or mums who do the swimming run and see the first "no armband" swim without the dad there. Will the child hold that against each parent forever? I'm sure most kids don't even think about it. What matters is the children being happy and sometimes parents have to put themselves first in the long term interests of the children.
I agree that things shouldn't be hidden from the children but what you say depends on their age and emotions and you should always ensure you are not "being honest" with them in an attempt to get back at an ex.

Pete - I agree that an explanation needs to be given ....... a certain level of honesty, but no details though.

There's a huge difference between:

Mum and Dad are getting divorced mummy/daddy want to be with someone else.Or mummy /daddy don't get on any more.

and .............

their Dad is weak and prefers to put his own life before theirs?

The latter could make the kids think their Dad doesn't love them, causing upset and confusion - this is not in their best interest.

Whatever Dad/Mum has done or however the Mum/Dad feels, the kids should not be involved with the blaming or details.

Gershie - I apologise if you felt my kindness was patronising - it wasn't meant to be - I was offering a little empathy, sorry.

It'll prolly be version 1 on a good day.
Version 2 on a bad day

BeingMeAgain wrote:


I'm sorry, but are you saying that a child would be better off living with unhappy parents who quite clearly do not want to stay together and are only doing so because it's easier?


I'm saying that a child would better off if their parents put them first. In this case (Billy) he didn't, others have said that there may have been a reason but we don't know that. Bill has not clarified the position so all we have is what he said. The kids would be better off if before jumping into bed with someone else, consideration was given to the kids about the repercussions of what they are doing.


If parents work together during seperation in the best interests of their children then those "firsts" can easily be overcome.


This is a big 'IF'. So the scenario is in this case, Billy has an affair, now wants kids to interact with new partner, ex is not happy about this.

So ex's life is destroyed, kids potential security and happiness is at risk and Billy wants all to be well. So the ex has to get kicked in the teeth, children get kicked in the teeth and for Bill's sake they all have to get up again and welcome the new person into their lives? If only life were so simple. Try it and see how you feel.

I'm sure there are many dads who have taken kids to the park and they have managed their first bike ride with no stabilisers with no mum there, or mums who do the swimming run and see the first "no armband" swim without the dad there. Will the child hold that against each parent forever?



I'm sure this has happened in many cases but in my case, as probably in many others, my son would have liked it to have been with both of us. He will never have that privilege.

I agree that things shouldn't be hidden from the children but what you say depends on their age and emotions and you should always ensure you are not "being honest" with them in an attempt to get back at an ex.

Telling the truth is not age related. You either tell the truth or you do not. I am not prepared to lie to my son and I would have expected others to be like minded, not the case obviously.


I stand by my statement that kids should come first, we created them and they have a right to the best life they possibly can. If that creates a few issues for the parents on the way then so be it. They have to live with it.

Gershie

I think the 'truth' can be too big a burden for a child to carry, can often be twisted out of all recognition to reality and can be used to alienate one parent from their child, usually the father. In some ways telling the 'truth' empowers the 'bad' parent. A good parent might remain silent not wanting to damage their kids.
Relationships break down, that's a failure of two people. Only truly innocent parties are the kids. They should be shielded from the nastiness of the adult world not placed on the front line.

Not with you on that one zonked.

Despite the old saying twisting 'the truth', I would argue that cannot be done. The truth, if given truthfully, is the truth.

In case people are getting me wrong, I don't sit here and denigrate the mother to my boy, she does it of her own accord. I just have to deal with the 'Why doesn't Mummy do this? 'Why doesn't Mummy do that' and 'Why doesn't Mummy want to live with us?' and I have to explain.

So do I make excuses for her behaviour or do I tell the truth as it is with no frills? Do I stoop to her level?

Not on your life

Gershie