Advice - Fathers Acces to Children

Ursa - great advice - as always - I concur.

WhiteRose wrote:


Gershie - I don't think Billy 'has made a mistake' as you put it or thinks he's made a mistake. He has chosen this relationship.

He might well of chosen the relationship, but if that is not a mistake, then I am sure the kids will thank him one day for giving so much thought to their future happiness and security.

Strikes me that we are now absolved for bringing children into the world and then deserting them when we fancy someone new. Not a mistake just fancied a change!

How sad is that?

Gershie

Just because parents separate this does not have to destroy the childrens' "future happiness and security" if it is handles well by both parents.We have no idea why Billy had an affair, there might be good reasons for it - not every one who has an affair is the Devil Incarnate. Indeed there are many societies where it is perfectly acceptable, even normal to have more than one spouse at a time. There is no evidence that children from these societies are all "broken". In our society is it the social mores that dictate affairs are "wrong" not evidence that children whose parents have more than one partner are adversely affected by it.

What affects the children is the fall out from the affair, the emotional and financial trauma in the household. As everyone agrees that the childrens' needs are paramount it is the job of both parents to protect the children from that as much as possible.

The children don't need to be told that Billy had an affair, indeed this would not be in their best interests, and would, as I said before, just be a case of the Mother putting her emotional needs before the childrens'.

This is exactly what has to be avoided here,neither parent should be putting their emotional needs before those of the children. Billy's wife should keep her feelings about the divorce and the NP away from the children, and Billy needs to find a way to see more of his children without jeopardising his new relationship.

Any fall out from the affair is between the adults and for them to deal with, NOT to be paraded in front of the children in order to show that one is a better/worse parent than the other.

You only have to take a walk around some of the estates in this country to see the impact that broken marriages have on kids.

My son would love to be able to spend Christmas or his birthday in the company of both loving parents but he can't. Why? Because his mother wanted to move on. So that's my fault or his fault is it?

It is absolute rubbish to condone anyone for playing away. No affair, no fallout!

Billy has a fling, for whatever reason and ex and kids have to adjust their lives to compensate for his weakness. Give me a break!

Why is not in the best interests of the kids to know that their Dad is weak and prefers to put his own life before theirs?

We may have victorian morals in this country and I accept that. Each culture to their own. However, I would remind you that in some cultures people get stoned to death for adultery. Who is to say they havn't got it right. Do we slip into a culture where the family is not sacred, where the children's interests are not paramount or do we adopt cultures where we get punished for our mistakes? You can't have it all ways.

Gershie

Gershie wrote:


Why is not in the best interests of the kids to know that their Dad is weak and prefers to put his own life before theirs?



Its not in the best interests for the children to know details of the marriage because as Ursa wrote: Any fall out from the affair is between the adults and for them to deal with, NOT to be paraded in front of the children in order to show that one is a better/worse parent than the other.

This protects the children in the same way parents don't discuss adult issues with children when they're married, the same should happen in the situation of separation. If adults want to discuss adult details about the split this can upset and confuse kids and this is not in their best interests. Surely the best thing to do is protect them from the 'fall-out' of the split and let them know they're still loved by BOTH parents.

Gershie - sounds like you're still very raw about your break up.

We disagree about so many things, but I do hope you are on the road to healing your broken heart and you seem to have a great relationship with your son. Concentrate on this rather than on the unfairness of your situation.

Take care WR x

i don't agree that the truth of a situation should be hidden from the kids,i don't like living a lie or imposing one on them.
They are considered old enough to have their lives altered by someone not living there any more,or seeing new partners with their parents.They should at least get the honest explanation of why.
Mum and Dad are getting divorced mummy/daddy want to be with someone else.Or mummy /daddy don't get on any more.
Once the kids know the facts it's much easier,still I never really had much explaining to do they kinda figured it out all on their own when she moved Bazza in the family home 2 months after moiving me out
Just think the awkward silences and covering up like some sordid secret makes the situation worse for their development not better.I don't mean bang onto them about it but a short honest answer and then move on works really well in my experience.
All the best
Pete

Raw is an understatement but I do not need patronising and it does not detract me from the fact that you should not hide anything from the kids. Apart from the Father Christmas story I have never and will never do this.

My son is not stupid, he knows the situation so why should I hide anything from him?

Just read Hawaythelads and he is right on the mark.

I am sure that my son would have loved his mother and me to share his first solo bike ride, his first width of the swimming pool and the many of the other firsts in his life, but he has been deprived of that because his mother put herself first. Those are not adult issues, they are child issues caused by her selfish behaviour and despite his young age he is already aware of why.

Gershie