Advice - Fathers Acces to Children

its about time you all put the kids first, do you not all realise just how much you screw up kids in the head

If that is your attitude Alison I am glad there is only one of you.

The OP has admitted to his affair, and yes his stbx has every reason to be angry but this is a support site and he has asked for help in balancing his life.

He is entitled to a life, and introducing a new partner to children is something that often goes wrong due to entrenched attitudes, bad timing or resentment from any of the parties involved.

He had an affair and left his wife, whatever the rights and wrongs of that this is the status quo he has to live with, no amount of attitude about it is going to change it. For all we know his wife might have refused to sleep with him, been violent, nearly bankrupted the family due to her profligacy or any number of things that drove him away. Or she might not.

Billy. Get over nights sorted out so you see more of your children (and they you) not less. Tell your new lady that kids come first but you accept there has to be a balance in everything. Get kids settled into new regime and then maybe your new lady can join you and the kids for a couple of hours on an outing at the park, or the zoo or whatever they like doing. They need time with you and you alone, but if you plan on making her a permanent arrangement in your life then she and your children need to get to know each other, in small doses. Your stbx won't like it, but she cannot dictate who and what you do with the kids in your time with them, unless she feels the children are in some form of danger.

Hi Everyone

Ursa..... I think you have it a little wrong. This is a support, information and advice site. BillyBonzo asked for advice and I think Alison gave it, maybe a little abruptly but she said the same as I meant.

Billy put his hands up as having made the mistake, therefore it is upto him to put it right. The advice given is that he owes the kids for the mistake he has made and he shouldn't expect everything to be rosey just because he admits to that.

His focus should be them, sort them out, make sure their life is as good as he can make it, then focus on his own. They are his kids and he should do the best by them, they should always come first and if any new relationship puts a strain on that then it should go on the back burner or be binned. No one should take preference over your kids, particularly as you owe them for having screwed up their lives by letting your own weaknesses jeaopardise their happiness and security.

Everyone who comes to this site I would hope is looking for advice, support or information on how to do the best for the children because we adults have messed their lives up.

The kids should always come first, I defy anyone to tell me different.

Gershie

Billy has said throughout his post that he does not want to upset his children, that he is happy that his relationship with the children has been maintained and nowhere does he suggest that the children are resistant to meeting his new partner.

He has two problems, firstly that his ex feels he is having "more access to his children than he should" and it is she who doesn't want them to meet the new partner because the NP is a "slut". This suggests that the wife's feelings towards Billy, his actions and his NP are the guiding factors in her "allowing" access, not the best interests of the children.

I believe the default access should be 50/50 in all cases except DV, drugs, alcohol or mental illness cases where being with one parent would jeopardise the children's health. It should NEVER be the case that one parent "allows" or "disallows" the children time with the other. From this starting point negotiations should take into account work patterns, breastfeeding, suitable accommodation etc.

Billy's second problem is that his current access arrangements mean that he cannot spend any time with his new partner at all. (I assume he works weekdays so this gives him weekends as his only substantial time off.)He has said that this has now got to a "got to choose" situation. Now if he chooses to spend less time with his children in favour of his NP this is fundamentally wrong. End of. Nothing to discuss. But if he can negotiate a better arrangement for his children, that partially includes his NP then what is wrong with that? Billy needs to consider why he has no overnights, is it because his wife feels she will lose control, or that the NP may be there, or that her CSA money will be reduced? Or is it that the accommodation is not there for the kids, or Billy chooses not to have them overnight?

He needs to look at the reasons and overcome them, as Gershie says increase rather than decrease time with the children, and introduce the new partner sensitively to them. Children don't have to be screwed up because their parents divorce, but it depends on both adults (or even all adults) not letting their attitude to the other parent overflow into the childrens lives.

Billy - No-one should judge your parenting because your marriage broke down - for whatever reason. Yes, it is difficult for everyone involved and your circumstances have given a focus for someone/ something to blame for the marriage breakdown. The bottom line is that perhaps it is time to seek some good legal advice on formalising your arrangment. Perhaps mediation would be worthwhile as it will give both of you an opportunity to discuss the options without it escalating into an argument. I found it really useful in my case and the mediator was able to get both parties to reach an agreement that worked for the child but also took into account our needs ie working patterns. Most importantly, it means that neither of us can 'control' when the other sees our child. You sound like a good father who has put his children first but also tried to keep your ex 'happy' and you can get this all sorted. I am just wondering, for the sake of the children and your new relationship, are you able to ask your ex to be civil on handovers and keep conversation down to bare minimum? I have this arrangement with my ex, admittedly, there are some horrible emails but at least, for the sake of the child, we can make handover as calm as possible. I found that if we do start conversations it doesn't usually end well!

There is lots of advice on how to introduce your children to a new partner, but perhaps if you went down the mediation route, you could discuss how to handle it with your ex? As some have already mentioned, it is up to you how you do it but then again, if your ex had a new partner and you didn't, how would you feel? I would like to think by the time either my ex or I get to this stage, we have a discussion first on how it is going to be handled (obviously, I am thinking very long term as I have already pointed out we aren't good communicators at the moment - but I am crossing my fingers for the future!!!!! )

Hi

I am not comfortable with parenting not being judged as a result of marriage breakdown as Bugsy suggests.

If for any period of time or by any action you put the security, best interests and future well being of your kids at risk then that is bad parenting. It maybe a mistake, it maybe done on the spur of the moment but the repercussions can seriously affect the kids and that is bad.

I accept we all make mistakes, Billy has put his hands up and acknowledged his, however he now wants to make his life good by introducing his mistake to the kids or attempting to juggle time with the kids to satisfy the requirements laid down by the new partner. Who's best interests are being catered for then?

If you do not put the kids first and put your own requirements on the back burner until the kids are sorted, however long it takes then that is bad parenting.

Bugsy, you say yourself when the time comes you will sit down and sensibly plan a way forward, that's good. But to criticise the ex for her actions when Billy has destroyed her life and now wants to introduce the kids to the woman who was a party to the desturction of the kids current well being and future should not be condoned, not for any reason.

We all make mistakes and we have to live with them, but we should be honest enough to acknowledge them and then make the kids the priority before anything else, at whatever personal cost to ourselves.

Gershie

I accept we all make mistakes, Billy has put his hands up and acknowledged his, however he now wants to make his life good by introducing his mistake to the kids

Gershie - I don't think Billy 'has made a mistake' as you put it or thinks he's made a mistake. He has chosen this relationship.