Advice - Fathers Acces to Children

Milla - I do understand what you are saying.

In my case I am the ex wife who can do nothing right as the bottom line is the OW doesn't want the chidlren.

All i a trying to say is that judging and namecalling only hurts the person doing it...

After all if the other woman (whether ex wife or new partner) really was psycho we would all do everything we can to ensure they ahve no contact with anyones children...

:>

Wilsr, I do not refer to his ex in those terms anywhere but on here and on another forum I use. When you have experienced what we have and seen the impact on the children then it is difficult to be more measured. It doesn't hurt me (or her) to let off steam here.

All I wanted to express was that SOME people are hell bent on revenge and will not mellow with time - hubby and I have been together for a good few years and if anything his ex has got worse with time. I wanted to warn the OP that doing nothing COULD let her think this tactic works and she will then start to control things even more - this is what happened with us, and hubby wishes he had acted sooner.

Of course this may not be the case for the OP and I sincerely hope our experience is an extreme rather than the norm in these situations. I offered my experience for the OP, that's it. I don't want to hijack this thread with judgements on my situation as I feel we have it as under control as we ever will atm.

Milla

milla - I think your point about control being linked to parental allienation is a very valid one and sadly may prove relevant to the OP's post.

Recriminations aren't useful. Divorce is like bereavement. Grief often gives rise to anger. A bereaved person may feel very angry at the person who has died for leaving them and causing them such pain. They may feel unable to admit this to themselves, and instead become bitterly angry with someone else, for instance the health system, a family member, the Government or God. A spouse may also feel very angry at the person who has left and causing them such pain. They may become bitterly angry with that person or someone else, for example a solicitor, a new partner, the Courts or a Judge. Thats not mental illness or wicked - it's being human.

There are consequences and responsibilities attached to leaving a relationship. Supporting a child’s other parent to be happy and effective as a parent is really looking after the child and good contact for children relies on separated parents learning to work together. Going to court makes that difficult, doesn't deal with the cause of hostility and doesn't change attitudes although at least initial resistance is usually overcome so that contact can take place.

Fiona

You make some very valid points, particularly about the likening to bereavement and the range of emotions a person might feel when they lose someone for whatever reason. I know from experience that the same emotions are experienced by a father who suddenly has his contact with his children stopped.

I would say however that most parents would surely want to see their children happy. A friend of mine who lost her husband when he committed suicide felt all those emotions but had to manage them around her children as she wanted to reduce their suffering as much as possible. Instead she unburdened her grief to friends, family and a bereavement counsellor.

The point I am making is that no matter how angry and emotional a person might feel I disagree that it is just being human to pass that emotion onto your children. They too have lost someone when a relationship breaks down and need the support of both their parents to get them through it. Using them as weapons to punish is not just being human imo, it is selfish, spiteful and unacceptable.

The OP's ex is entitled to be angry, as is anyone in that situation, but using the children in this way by trying to control and dictate their time with their father - something which is very likely to impact on his relationship with him, is wrong however you try to dress it up.

Milla

To the op you can only really explain to your wife that you will be moving in with the new woman and that the kids will be coming to your new home which will involve seeing her and having a relationship with her,be it good or bad.
Then get under the table put on your tin hat and watch the firework show.
You have to honestly now set your boundaries,adulterors and honesty mmmmm.
However,if she actually,refuses contact then you'll have to persue it through the courts.
Also while all day every weekend is ok,you have to make time for children and your new relationship.So you are going to have to broach overnights every other weekend.that way you have a kids weekend and a weekend without the kids.If she's not prepared to go for that then I reckon every other weekend daytimes to get the kids used to your new set up,and what ultimately will become the sort of norm set up for divorced family's one weekend on one off.

Hi everyone

I might be missing something here but Dad was the one who caused the problem. It is up to him to repair the damage that he has caused. His priority should be making it up to the children and nothing should get in the way of that.

My advice is to get your contact situation sorted out. 50:50 should be the aim and nothing less, if the kids mean that much to him. Forget introducing anyone into the relationship until he has settled into a residency regime that suits the kids and they are happy with that. An SRO gives you 26 weeks of the year to indulge in your own life and 26 weeks of the year to spend with the kids.

Put your self in the position of the stbx, partner had an affair, she has lost all that she had, she now has the kids the majority of time, she has to deal with all that, yet Dad now wants to introduce someone new into their life before they have even go used to losing what they had. Does it make mum a psycho because she does not want anyone else in their life just yet? Was dad thinking of the repercussions on the kids when he had the affair?

Kids first, get them settled as a priority, then deal with your life.