Advice - Fathers Acces to Children

All- be grateful for any advice you can give me on here as i'm not sure how to progress my situation.
I am currently into the last legs of the settlement process which has taken a bit of time and the last thing to agree on is access rights to the children (ages 7 and 11).
To get things in the open although i hope it does not cloud peoples judgemnent I had an affair and left my wife after 15 years of marraige. I am living on my own at present but have continued my relationship with my new partner and we plan to move in together very shortly. It's obviousley a decision I have not made lightly.
To this point in time I have had weekend access to my kids on a non-residency basis (i.e. I pick them up Saturday Morning and drop them off Saturday evening and do the same on a Sunday) I also get to see them 1 day in the week after school. Clearly I am very happy that I have been able to continue my relationship with my children to this point. However my stbx is very bitter towards my new partner and has made it plain that she does not want the children introduced to my partner under any circumstances. I have gone along with this to date but I did not want to upset the children. However it has reached a point now where it is putting a strain on my relationship with my new partner. Clearly me being away every weekend is not an ideal situation and to be honest its got to the point where its a "got to choose" situation.
My stbx will say that she is letting me spend time with the kids every weekend and i am having more access than i should and that i want to jeapordise that for "that slut". She will make it seem that i am choosing my new partner above my children. Clearly this is putting me in an impossible situation.
I guess the things i need advise about are :
1, Can my stbx stop me from introducing the children to my new partner (or i guess for that matter anyone i deem fit and proper) when the kids are with me.
2, How would people in my situation handle the fact that I am potentially going to see less of my children from once every weekend current to probably every other weekend.
3 Does my stbx having any legal arguement stopping me from introducing my children to my new partner ?

Thanks for any help offered

Just because you’re a single dad doesn’t mean you have to be single. But dating again after a relationship breaks down can be tricky for all concerned – especially your kids. Dan Roberts looks into how to help them accept a new woman in their life.

Having been a single dad for nine years, I know only too well how tricky it can be to combine a rewarding love life with the needs of your children. It’s only natural that, after a healthy period of mourning for your old relationship, you should start dating again.

It’s also natural that your kids should find this difficult, perhaps resenting new girlfriends because they’re not their mum; that the new girlfriends should have some issues about taking on a man with kids and an ex; and that your child's mother should worry about new women entering her children’s life.


In short, it’s a potential minefield. To help you negotiate it safely, I asked Relate counsellor Mo Kurimbokus for advice – and spoke to some single dads to see how they juggle kids, new partners and their child's mum.
What your kids need

The most vulnerable people in this situation are your kids. Whatever the reasons for your breakup with their mum, they will be hurt, confused and possibly angry with you both.

"Remember that your children will be going through a bereavement process after the end of their parents" relationship,"says Mo. "When you first start seeing another woman it’s a good idea to speak to the kids, let them know there’s somebody else in their father’s life and find out how they feel about it."

* Separation
* Tell your kids that this new person is not there to replace their mum. She is an addition to the family, someone they can form a friendship with or even look to as a mum if they want, but she will never try to replace her.
* Keep introductions light and take things slowly at first. Don’t expect too much from your kids, or force them to spend time with your new girlfriend if it seems uncomfortable for them.
* Expect some acting out. They may well feel angry or bitter towards your new girlfriend. This is perfectly normal, so try to put yourself in their shoes and don’t punish them for it.
* Separation: what works for children

What your child's mum needs

The other person who may well have a hard time with you seeing new people is your child's mother – especially if the choice to break up was not hers. "The mum may not have moved on, especially if it wasn’t her idea to separate," says Mo. "If she’s jealous or angry, good communication is the key – try to be patient and understanding and tell her, as you told the kids, that this new person is not going to replace her or try to take her kids away from her."

* Your kid's mum may be worse off not being in a relationship with you, both financially and having to cope with the kids on her own for much of the time. Like you, she has suddenly found herself a lone parent – try to remember that if she reacts badly to your new relationship.
* But if she is hostile to you or your new partner, she needs to deal with those issues on her own and not use the kids as a weapon against you. Remind her that their needs come first and that you are handling the situation as sensitively as you can.

http://www.dad.info/relationships/getting-together/new-girlfr iends-and-your-kids

Parents don't have rights to contact, it's the right of children. Assuming you were married and have Parental Responsibility what your children do and who they meet in "your" time is a decision for you to make.

Sharing the quality time at weekends and during the school holidays with perhaps one or two nights during the week is a fairly common arrangement which seems to work well for many separated families.

Bill

Sounds like your ex is a very bitter and controlling woman. Have tried to answer your questions as honestly as possible:

1.The ex can not stop you from introducing your children to your new partner. You are an equal parent.

2.I think that it would be painful spending less time with my kids. But to be honest, if that time is spent on the ex’s terms am I really parenting them at all?

I want my kids to see a happy dad, a role model that they could follow. Seeing me at home with my ptr and experiencing all the family banter – that’s valuable, to me and to them. If the only way I could deliver that was on alternate weekends then that's the way I'd go.

3.There are no legal aruments your ex can use. All she can do is be difficult until the court makes an order.

Hope this helps.

Hi billybonzo

Is there a reason you don't have overnight contact with your children? Have you ever done so?

I agree with some of what zonked is saying - although I wouldn't assume from your information that she is a bitter and controlling ex. It may be that she is still hurt that you had an affair and is struggling to separate you and your partner from you and your children.

However, it isn't for her to tell you who you can and cannot introduce to your children - that is for you to decide. I do think, though, that a sensitive approach (factoring in your ex's own sensitivity to your new partner) may reap rewards.

Not everything has to be a fight and working on the assumption that people are acting out of bitterness often puts us into a defensive position. That, in turn, can elicit an aggressive response.

In your situation, I would negotiate for overnight contact to enjoy quality time with your children and would perhaps balance this as a fortnightly arrangement so that your new partner can also enjoy time with you?

Shezi

Hi

I was in this exact same situation. My husband and I had an affair and he moved in with me a month after he left the mat.home. I know what people will think, but there is MUCH more to it.

In our case, my husband went along with her "rules" re contact as she had hinted that this would change in time. It put a HUGE strain on our relationship, which I guess was the point. She did eventaully let me meet them (they were 5 and 8) but only after a good few months of telling them bad things about me - that she and Daddy were the perfect couple until I stole him, that they could be as rude to me as they wanted.....etc.

Anyhow, I think she thought they would give me such a hard time I would flee, but I actually hit it off with them straight away. They were banned from touching me, even down to me helping them put on their cycle helmets. They begged to be allowed to stay over but she insisted they could only if I moved out for the week end. When I refused, she told them that Daddy had chosen me over them and if he loved them he would insist I left. It was actually my home in the first place!

Anyhow, to cut a very long story short, things got worse when I fell pregnant. She reduced the contact and started changing it constantly at short notice. Everytime we dropped them back she would phone or text with "serious concerns" always to do with my care of them. Once she threatened to call social services because my then 6 year old ss had caught a glimse of my bum as I came out of the bathroom in a towel!

The kids were with us when I went into labour so my Mum came over to look after them and that was it - we had broken the "rules" and contact was stopped.

At that point we went to court and we won on every point. Despite her protests Cafcass noted that I was an "excellent role model" to the children and ultimately hubby was granted a defined contact order. He was told in court that who he leaves the children with during his time is down to him and is not to be dictated by his ex.

It hasn't got easier - for example we had to keep our wedding a secret and tell the kids at the last moment as she had told hubby that if she found out about it she would say they were ill to stop them from coming.

Hubby wishes he had put a stop to it sooner and just gone to mediation/court straightaway. Waiting and hoping it would improve just gave her time to tryt to poison the kids against us both and make them not want to come - then we would have had a much bigger fight.

I would say she sounds as bitter and pyscho as my husbands ex - no matter what her feelings towards you, she is a mother first and should be trying to put her feelings aside for those children who don't really care why Daddy left, just that he did and they miss him!

Don't bow down to her - in my experience it will just get worse!
Good luck!

Milla

Bitter and psycho ...
aren't we women really plesant to eachother!

From the other die of the fence my x left me for OW. Actually a very good friend of mine.

"good friend" has set house rules - both children cannot be there at same time, I have to arrange contact through her and pay her for their father to see them. She explained the reason she took Daddy was becuase she was lonely. I cannot contact father in emergency - have to contact her....

IMHO we act out of fear and hurt whether the exwife or the OW.
Your ex wife hurts - you left her for someone else and she is probably picking up the pieces of her own self esteem.

My OH sister refers to the ex wife in her relationship as a witch and a control freak, I know my Xs partner feels threatend by me and is concerned the X would come back to me. I have tried to be open and accepting - that just makes the threat I pose to her greater.


Your X wife is right you do have more access than most - the "usual" model is one night a week and alternate weekends. But have you considered that your New partner and you also need time to build your own relationship - she will have to get used to the role of "step mum" and may want some time just with you...

You are right she can't stop you introducing your children to whom you want.

You can use the court to force the issues as per Millas experience.

But what I would say is try and cut eachother some slack. Meet on neutral territory - 10pin bowling whatever - and ensure your New Partner does not take the role of Mum in the eyes of your X.

Good luck ... I am sure it will get better - it has in many cases ...

Every situation is different and my experience is just one. I would just like to add that hubby and I bent over backwards to accomodate his exes rules as we wanted to avoid court for the children's sake. We tried our hardest to take it slow, give her time, see her point.....etc but when I went into labour OF COURSE we had to break the "rules" what else could we have done? she chose to stop contact and court became the only option left.

Sometimes leaving it will help but in my case it made things worse and I am just being honest about my situation to the op.

What I have put here is the tip of the iceberg and I stand my my de­script­ion of his ex. Not ALL exes will be so consumed by bitterness but some will. OP knows his ex better than any of us, so is well placed to make an educated guess I suppose, which is all you can do in these situations.

Milla