thoughts on how to deal with the other parent

As previously stated, very well written and thought out, coulf you please talk to my stbxw, i tried desperately to save the marriage and stay civil. It has now deterioted so bad that after she wished me dead , i requested she never contact me directly ever again.

thanks again for your common sense approach.
take care

I agree brilliant advice Ruby.

I have a difficult stbx and I can still see the benefits of taking this advice for myself as I want to maintain my dignity and my relationships with both my boys.

Should my stbx continue to be nasty I believe the kids will see this and realise that it is not the only way to deal with things.

I am counting my patience being alot stronger than my stbx, therefore if he decides to walk away from the kids to be with his g/f, it is HIS choice and I have nothing to do with it, even though I know the best situation for our kids is to have contact with BOTH their parents.

Here's to a calm continuation of proceedings at home and in the court room.

Supercali xx

i completely agree with '333'... i wish to god that my ex was a normal human being without the personality disorder he has which makes him continuously vindictive and malicious any chance he gets, but he isnt normal. he never will be. though he paints a good picture to third parties who dont know him.

if i had a pound for every time ive been told the advice you give such as 'think of the children first,' 'try to get on' etc etc etc. id be rich. its great advice, when youre dealing with a normal human being who is not out to try to destroy you.

its funny u know, posters like yourself, and no offence meant, but you presume that all people are reasonable and when they split, they should be amicable blah blah blah for the sake of the kids.

again though, as 333 pointed out, when one party is trying to just live in peace and be amicable, but the other party continues to apply to the court and make false, malicious allegations, what are you supposed to do???

my own father told me about a year ago to stop 'slinging arrows' at each other. i just broke down and said 'but dad, im not the one slinging anything - 'it's all just him slinging at me...'

he later apologised, but i reckon he still really thinks we're both as bad as each other, and this makes me very, very sad, because it just isnt true. i am not abusive. i am not malicious.

i left a man because i realised he was.

what a f*cking mess. x

I know exactly what it is like. My ex and his mother are using every trick in the book to keep me from my son.
It got worse this weekend because he has found out i am pregnant again and has stopped contact altogether so it will be back to court next week for me.
Part of me hates him for what he is doing and i want to shake some sense into him but i can't completly hate him he is my sons father without him i wouldn't have that amazing little boy and at the end of the day i love my little boy far more than i could ever ever hate his dad.
I think thats what we need to remember in these situtations that we love our children more than we could ever hate anyone and then at least you can walk with your head held high and say i did what was best for my child i put them first.
We don't own our children they aren't possessions you can't force them to choose mum or dad they will always choose both or from previous experince they will choose those who loved them best.
As long as we remember that and remember its not a game we aren't fighting an enemy we are simply trying to make our children happy because as a parent that is the only thing you want then whatever bullets the other party throws at you will just bounce harmlessly off its easier to love your children than hate your ex. i just need to keep telling myself that im my sons mother no matter what they do i'm not going anywhere my ex should know id go to hell and back before i let him take my son away

Wow! Its a strange feeling to rediscover your old thoughts further down the line. The ex is still unreasonable and stubborn but i didn't succeed in "turning the other cheek" these days i simply ignore her!

I still agree with MissingMySon2009 though...

Chris

Thank you, I'm here crying happy tears. I've been dreading next Christmas as I had our little one last year...I'd never even thought of having our own Christmas day on a different day, what a fantastic idea.

By far the hardest is sacrificing time with my boy.

Thanks again xx

Oh I wish my husband's ex would have believed this.

Clothes - she said when he picked them up on a weekend which included a dinner out with his parents - this is the last time I am packing them clothes. Buy your own. He did, and she then sent a letter from a solicitor that he was a controlling and bad parent for insisting they keep clothes at his house and a separate letter from her said one daughter was threatening to kill herself if she wasn't allowed to keep her stuff at her mother's house.

Lack of money - we used to get letters saying they had to be taken out and entertained every second. If they weren't (eg one year making Christmas ornaments instead of panto as she had suggested) we got a letter saying she would not allow them to come anymore if he was going to ignore them and not take them out. 'children need to be entertained every second'

special days - agreed alternate christmas / boxing day. call from kids in october 'grandma wants to know why you are so mean leaving mummy all alone on christmas'...

I could go on. I sincerely wish you could get your sentiments as standard into every contact order, decree nisi etc for parents who divorce.