thoughts on how to deal with the other parent

Although I agree with Tom333 to a certain extent, I do think some posters will find this very useful... those just starting out on the road to parenting as divorced parents... maybe it will save some people from getting into that awful horns locked position...

Thanks Epehlia - that was my reason for sharing my thoughts, rather than getting into a debate on how the courts should deal with parents...

I just thought that by sharing, others might avoid making the same mistakes I had.

There is a lot of common sense information out there (including your post) but how do you get the 'other' parent to read it, never mind act on it.

Good advice Ruby, I sadly have one of those bitter Ex's who cannot (as yet) see past this, resulting in being given no choice but take her to court or do nothing.

Now, how to get someone like that to look at their own behaviour is another thing altogether and here are some thoughts:

However much one feels the fault lays with the other parent I would be very surprised in reality if that were true. In my case, after a year long journey of personal development I can say that whilst I know my actions during the times we were together were always well intended, due to the lack of 'tools' available to me (us) in dealing with difficult situations usually resulted in a conflict of one kind or another developing with her on one side and me on the other. It was all very well one of us being right but that meant the other was wrong and as we all know being right all the time does not make one happy.

Agreeing that one cannot control/change how another person behaves there is the other side to this, if you change your own behaviour towards someone, in time that person is likely to calm down. Not only that but if not then they will come across in Court or with CAFCASS as clearly the one holding a grudge, this is well known to cause long term harm to children and the Judge actually said this to both of us at the last meeting so I know they are well aware of it.

Finally, really, honestly looking at your own behaviour is not just good for yourself but perhaps in some cases can make a massive difference in a childs life and help present them with some reasoned stability and reason in an otherwise hostile environment.

A few pennies worth, Jim

Suckerforasobstory wrote:

Finally, really, honestly looking at your own behaviour is not just good for yourself but perhaps in some cases can make a massive difference in a childs life and help present them with some reasoned stability and reason in an otherwise hostile environment.



I agree -we cant change the behaviour of others, but we can take responsibility for our own

Very good advice Rubes. I dont have exp in this area as I am not a dad no more. But many on here are mothers and fathers to there children. Often we dont want to contact the estranged other half and when we do it ends up in a row. But it also needs 2 sensible people that put the kids 1st. And that dont always happen. I know that 1 only to well.

Can this be a sticky? C.

In which case, although we might not WANT to contact our ex's, there are times when we HAVE to. When we have children together we forgo that luxury of choice because it takes two to make a child not one.

In my case my ex and myself have an extreamly high degree of acrimony which has even gone down in local court records as being one of the worst they've seen in 13 years. The fact is though that we still have to communicate as we have three children together a fact of which was reiterated as our oldest son has had to have emergency surgery following a ruptured appendix last weekend.

Ruby's advice regarding communications being in writing is good as it keeps things clear and concise and often the party will think before committing anything into writing because it can be referred to. This then protects both parties.

It also works where if speaking on the phone or in person things can quickly degenerate into a slanging match which is difficult to get away from. With things in writing it becomes choice whether to answer, read or even take note of. If unpleasant it's just words and can be ignored or deleted or reported.

Clothing etc and two sets again is workable and one I've had to do anyway from the outset. Same goes with toys, games etc.

The other times there are communication and possible crossovers are with the schools.

In my experience the schools want both parents involved not just one and are therefore happy to send out two sets of information (though sometimes sae's are appreciated). They're happy to arrange meetings for parents night etc at different times so even if parents don't get on they have to have little involvement with each other.

As for plays, sports days etc the schools are plenty big enough for parents to sit far enough away from each other. And as for the other parent being there - so what!!! If your worst enemy was going, someone you didn't even want to see or be near would you even give it a second thought? or would you be there to cheer your child on and show you cared enough to be there?

I go to all my childrens events. Usually on my own whereas my ex has so far taken her family (who i've had to have harrassment orders out against) and her boyfriend. I still go though as I want my children to see I'm still here for them no matter what. The first thing they usually do is run across and give me a big hug or a wave because they appreciate the effort I've made.

Anyway just my thoughts.

T