These are my thoughts - Over the last 8 years, I have learned the hard way
of what to do and what not to do. Im not perfect, in fact Ive probably been
the bitch from hell on occasions.....but by putting our own differences
aside, and remembering that the children we share are our priority, and our
common interest, we have reached a plateau of mutual understanding and
respect. Yes, I still moan about him, and Im sure he does the same – we
just don’t involve the kids.
Whatever has gone before, whatever has
happened in our own relationship, my ex is and always will be the
children’s Dad, and that is something I will not and could not change.
Communication – if the relationship
between you and the other parent isn’t great, rather than having a phone
conversation which could become emotional, or erupt into ill-feeling, write
what you want to say in an email or letter. This way you can think
beforehand what you want to, how you want to word it, and the tone you want
to set. This also give the other parent time to digest what you have
written, sleep on it if necessary, and compose a reply with a clear head.
It also means you can keep copies, should you need to refer back to
something that you/they have said. Avoid making phone calls/sending texts
when angry or upset – they don’t help anyone.
Chose your
battles wisely – before engaging in another emotional battle, stop
and think – “is this really such a big deal” (sleep on it and rethink again
in the morning). Imagine if you were the one on the receiving end of being
moaned/nagged at constantly, and what your reaction would be. If you still
wish to raise a particular issue, do so with poise, calm and strength.
Practical Issues – clothes/shoes are usually a
source or irritation. Either the child/ren don’t return with everything
you’ve sent them with, or when you collect them, you find that they don’t
have appropriate clothing. If you are the NRP, make sure that your children
always have clothes at your house (to be kept there), plus a coat, wellies,
etc. You don’t need to spend a lot, shops like Primark, George at Asda,
Tescos, etc all have affordable clothing, and don’t forget to look in
charity shops - Ive picked many a bargin there (I bought my daughter a
brand new coat from Debenhams recently for the price of £1.50!) By keeping
clothes at your house, you can make sure that the children always have
suitable clothing. Remember to sort clean clothes from any dirty washing –
there is nothing more infuriating than having a suitcase full of clothes
that you have to wash because you don’t know which is which! If you are the
PWC, don’t get too het up if the children return minus
a few items of clothing – they might be in the wash or shoved under the bed
– if you want any particular items returned that weekend, just let the
other parent (or child if if they are old enough) know.
Medicine – its
always a good idea to keep Calpol and other medicine in stock just in case
theya re needed. If the children require regular medication, make sure you
have your own “stock” – saves it getting “lost in transit” or the other
parent forgetting.
Respect – as tempting as it
is to belittle the other parent, don’t even go there! Children often feel
divided loyalties - and remember they love both of you. Keep your thoughts
to yourself until you can let off steam on Wiki,or to an understanding
friend when the children are asleep. You might have no respect left for the
other parent, but the children will have, and its important to remember
that whatever has happened between you and your ex, it is exactly that, and
not between you and the children. If the other parent has upset the
children, reassure them that you love them and are always there for them.
You can’t change/control the other parent’s relationship with the children,
you can only take responsibility for your own, and focus on that.
New Partners – remember to spend some time alone with
your children, your new partner doesn’t need to be there all the time. The
children will feel crowded and could end up resenting your new partner –
“before you met xxxxx, we used to spend all our time with you, now we never
get time with just you”. That doesn’t mean that your new partner cant be
included, they should be, and its healthy
for children to know
that their parents have other special people in their life – just reinforce
your own love for them and how important they are to you – and make some
time for just you and the children.
Lack of
money – don’t feel that you have to spend a small fortune on your
children every time – there are a wide range of free fun activities to do
(check local papers and websites for details). Keep some boardgames/cards
in the house, art stuff, baking ingredients, etc – these are good for when
money is tight and/or its wet and cold outside. A good parent isn’t about
spending money, its about time spent with the children.
Special Days – birthdays, Christmas, etc are always a bone of
contention. Children quickly get used to the idea of two birthdays, two
Christmases, etc – and often enjoy this more than we as adults would think.
Dont get all worked up over the date on the calendar – this year we are
having our Christmas on the 18th, we will still do all the usual
traditional things, it will just be a few days earlier as they are spending
the Christmas period with their Dad. Its about the day you all have
together, not the date you have it on. Be gracious, and make sure the
children have presents to give to the other parent, and get them involved
in choosing and wrapping it. You might want to buy him a large tub of rat
poison, they will want to get him the all singing, all dancing Homer
Simpson mug.....
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