Re:Meeting new partners

I'm just after a bit of advice.

My stbx left the home in July at my insistence. I had discovered explicit messages between him and many women. Although he denies any physical relationship, he admitted 'email sex'. For me the trust is gone, I have only wavered slightly in my thinking and only ever very briefly. It was the final straw in a long list of issues. I have filed for divorce on his unreasonable behaviour.

He works a shift pattern and has the children 2 overnight stays in a 10 day period.

This week the kids came back and I asked them what they'd been up to, the said nothing. 20 minutes later my daughter (age 6) said, oh that's what we did, we spent the day at Lisa's house, she baked a cake with me. She then said we think Lisa is Daddy's girlfriend, there were pictures of them together. Maybe they'll get married and she'll be my stepmum and I can be bridesmaid! My son (age 4 1/2) then started to cry and said but Daddy is married to Mummy. I gently said we wouldn't be soon and that we were ending our marriage by getting divorced, that's why we didn't live in the same house anymore, but he got quite upset.

We had an agreement to tell each other if we had a partner we intended to introduce to the children. Considering last week he was still asking me to have him back, I'm a little surprised at this latest development, but he's a very insincere man and I wouldn't put anything past him. I do not want to give him the satisfaction of asking him anything, I just want to know how best to deal with things and help the kids? I've behaved extremely well in the circumstances and I intend to hold my head high and carry on informing him of school plays and encouraging his relationship with the kids. I just can't think it's a good idea to bring anyone else into the mix so soon, but I have no control over what he chooses to do when he has his time with them really.

Anyone got any advice on what (age appropriate) I can say to the kids to help them with all this change?

lozzas21,

This is a difficult dilemma to be in, but one I think you have to stand your ground in and fight for what is right for the children.

Your children are extremely young for your STBX to be introducing them to new girlfriends. If you only split a matter of month's ago, and as he denied having any physical relationship with anyone else, then why all of a sudden should a father be putting young children into grown up situations? It boils down to his lack of concern for the kids and his 'me, myself & I' mentality that they seem to have.

Firstly, I did a lot of research when I found my STBX with OW. I knew, however long they had been seeing each other behind my back, that it would not last. I was adamant not to have him take different women in and out of my children's lives. (I was a child of divorce and knew the effect that had had on me growing up). Your STBX firstly should have asked you if you thought it was too early and reasonable first, but remember it is very early days and is this woman going to be a permanent fixture, or is she just a stop gap, a flash in the pan until the next one comes along? How confused will your children be if your STBX ends up introducing them to a string of women.

There are friends in Wiki who have said you can not prevent such meetings, what the children do with their father in his time, is none of your concern. That I suppose is technically correct, but that does not mean that you can not communicate with your STBX asking him to slow down and think of the children's wants and needs first.

In my situation my children were old enough to have their say. As frustrated as my STBX was, they refused to see his OW. Guess what right enough, she did not last 2 minutes, he is now onto NO 2!

I am glad I stood my ground, because as they say, you should only introduce your kids to another partner if it is serious and it sounds as if to me it is too early for him to be serious about this OW considering he was asking to come back.

Protect your kids as best as you can, from growing up having a tainted view on relationships, because if they see your STBX with lots of women, they may think that this is normal and acceptable behaviours.

Take care for now FoS x

Thank you so much for your reply, it's really helped me this week.

I have ended up voicing my concerns. I thought long and hard about it and only did it when he spoke of concern for our son, and our son regularly asking daddy when he's coming home.

It is far too soon for the children to be introduced to anyone else, in my opinion. They need time to adjust. Their immediate well being is my only concern. I can't do anymore than I have, I just have to hope he's going to put them first.

Thanks again x

I asked my daughters to be polite and friendly to my ex's (their mother's) new partner. I also said that their mother was entitled to some happiness.

You can't dictate or control what your children do when they are with their other parent but you will make it a lot easier on them if you avoid open warfare with their other parent.

I have never tried to dictate or control - I was just expressing a concern that it was very early for our young children to be introduced to a girlfriend. They were very confused about the situation and my son got himself in a state - I thought about it for a few days and mentioned it, that's all. I have never asked him not to see her or anything like that.

I just think with little kids, if you are one minute telling them you still love mummy and want to come home but mummy won't let you, then the next you are spending a whole day round someones house and they think she's your girlfriend they are getting very mixed and confusing messages.

I am perfectly happy for my stbx to have a girlfriend, I no longer want him. I just don't want the kids upset.

You are obviously a very caring mum.

Small children often are distraught on their first few days at school. They also get used it very quickly. I imagine your son will adapt to his parents' new lifestyle.