Parent with care going on vacation

Hi all,

Been divorced several years, re-married, living a relatively happy life. I am the non-resident parent, currently see my kids Friday evenings until Sunday mornings. Last year, I moved about 100 miles away for my health and business. I do all the legwork and running around with regards to contact with my kids, ex-wife does absolutely nothing to facilitate contact, despite her requirement to do so. I am just happy to see my kids, and will do what I must to spend time with them.

I used to see my kids during the week also (Monday nights) but the long drive to and from school was very tiring for them, so I reluctantly gave up that day.

The ex has now decided to go on vacation without the kids, as she does every year, and wants me to look after them for this period. This was no problem in the past, due to proximity, but now she wants me to go collect them and drop them off school daily, subjecting them to 3 hours in the car every day.

I told her that I would love to have the kids, but that she should plan to go on holidays during the school vacations, so that I could simply take leave and go somewhere nice with them (it is beyond me why she doesn't want to ever take them on vacation) but she refuses on the grounds that it would make her holiday more expensive.

I explained to her that it would be unfair to subject the kids to these long journeys each day, that I cannot afford the petrol, and that I cannot afford to show up at work at 10 in the morning and leave every day at 2 in the afternoon to go get the kids, and that her demands are unreasonable.

Despite this, she went ahead, and booked the vacation anyway, and told me she arranged for some guy to come and stay at her place and look after the kids for a few days, and that I am expected to do the rest, and if I don't show up that it will be on my head.

I am obviously very upset at what I see to be her gross irresponsibility in this case, and am not sure what my best course of action is at this point, and would appreciate some advice. My solicitor advises me (as he always does) that I should go to court to get full custody - there are more issues at play, in that the kids don't always show up very clean, don't seem to get enough sleep, spend all their time in front of a TV, being dragged from school to school all the time, and especially my youngest is having a hard time at her mums, claiming frequent nightmares, and showing very disturbed and upset behaviour with her mum - she is great at ours, and loves to be with us.

I am not so convinced that a full custody hearing is in the best interest of my kids - they are very sensitive to the whole issue as their mum keeps spouting nasty stuff to them about us (which they tell me about, and they basically seem to ignore - I just tell them that mummy is a bit upset with life, and they should just understand she is trying to cope with it all), and I am anyhow less then impressed with the family courts here, and the general family court attitude where it seems that dads don't have a hope in hell to be assigned the parent with care.

Despite my reservations, I am totally at my limit of what I can take with regards to what she is doing to them, and the whole malarkey with the vacation is the last drop for me. Some advice would be appreciated, thanks in advance...

EDIT: I tried mediation about some of these issues in the past, but she refuses to come to meetings or engage with a mediator. I have tried to discuss things with a child counsellor due to my concern about the kids' state of mind, but she refuses to let them go, and told them they are not allowed to, etc.

Do you have a contact order or has the arrangement been through mutual agreement?

Can you take a weeks leave and stay at her for the week in order to care for the children?

Playing devils advocate I am looking from your ex wife's point of view. Being a single parent most of the time is extremely hard. I am one. Your children are young and therefore will need lots of time spent on them and with them.

A vacation away from children is good for mum and booking it in term time is also cheaper of course.

She will also be connsidering the fact that you chose to move 100 miles away.

However, I would never have booked a holiday unless I knew for certain that my children would be cared for. And to be honest I think she has done this. I think she has put in place a carer just in case you can't/don't want to have them whilst she is on holiday.

So, don't beat yourself up about it. The kids will be fine.

Hi jaymdee,

Contact is through mutual agreement. I have very limited leave, and would prefer to take this time I do have to go away with the children somewhere. I have no problem with her going on vacation, but that should not be at everybody else's' expense.

I guess you say sorry I am not available that week, but will have children as usual at weekend.

The decision you have to make is decide whether she would actually leave the children without appropriate childcare, if you think she would then you would need to contact SS and inform them.

You might need a more formal contact agreement to prevent her doing this again.

Hi sillywoman,

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I constantly am made to "pay" for the fact I had to move. Ex does nothing to facilitate contact, even though that is a shared responsibility. I appreciate that she wants a break, and am happy to have my kids in this period. However, just like every other parent, she should plan her vacations during the school holidays, and not place such a heavy burden on my children (and me).

She had booked her vacation before she had any plan in place to care for my kids as a way of forcing my hand, and has now only managed to get some guy (a friend of hers) to stay at her place for a few of the days she is away.

I am not sure that my kids "will be fine", and I am trying to find where in your post you actually put up a basis for this assertion that they will be fine. Basically you are saying that she is just winding me up, and she will surely put somebody in place to look after them "if you don't want to have them". I desperately want to have my kids, thanks for your suggestion to the contrary, and will spend any time I can with them. In this particular case, I can neither afford the time nor the money to do so simply to afford my ex a cheaper holiday.

Furthermore, having had an extremely traumatic experience when I was a child in the same situation - my mum going on holiday leaving me in the care of a "friend" - I was severely beaten and required hospitalisation, aged 11, I am not too happy with the idea of strangers in their lives. Whilst this is obviously not a "normal" thing, we all know that the most horrible things can happen even with children in vetted and "safe" environments, and to leave my children in the care of unvetted, unprofessional "friends" is irresponsible to say the least.

Thank you for your opinion nevertheless.

aardig - really I wasn't trying to be awkward, you sound like a fab dad - my kids dad has nothing to do with his kids which saddens me and that is because he is very very bitter towards me divorcing him.

Im simply getting inside your childrens mother's head.

I don't know her financial situation and we all know that holidays outside school holidays are much cheaper, so probably that is why she has booked one then.

This friend of hers - perhaps you could find out more about him? He may have been a friend for years, who knows? And yes she is probably winding you up a bit making you feel guilty for moving so far away.

Yes she is probably trying to punish you for all sorts of things, primarily that she is a single parent and you have a partner who is with you when you have care of the children.

You say you have them Friday to sunday - if that is every week that means she has every weekend to herself. I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing. It of course means that she has time for "her", but it also means that she doesn't really have any quality time with the children.

Moving so far away obviously means you are not available in emergencies and the like, did you figure that out when you decided to move? Maybe she is bitter about that.

There are always two sides to the story, but I don't know your ex and maybe if you have concerns, you could perhaps talk in confidence to pastoral support at the school the children go to ?