Meeting in the Middle

My Ex has said that she is having the kids and I will only get to see them when she decides. I have filed for full residency but want to settle on 50:50 as this is the best thing for the children. At what point do I try to get a deal? We have our Cafcass review and 2nd court hearing on 23rd Jan 2012?

If you haven't been the main carer for the children, then its unlikely you will succeed in your full residency application, as courts will look at the status quo, and the existing arrangements.

Establishing a good, workable contact routine is vitally important for all concerned, but esp the children as this will provide them with stability. If your ex is allowed to continue with the "you will see them when I say so" nonsense, then don't expect to enjoy regular parenting time with your kids, as this will mean that if she takes offence at something you have done/said (or thinks you have done so), then she will decide that you can't see them you need to make sure that a set routine (with a little flexibility in place) is established as soon as possible, which is in the best interests of the children.

Keep your reasoning child-centered at all times, by focusing on what is best for the children no one can argue that your suggestions for an established routine are anything other than in the best interests of the children. Offer to attend family mediation as a way forward to resolving this, be seen to reconciliatory and reasonable.

You may as well see what the CAFCASS recommendation is first. That carries a great deal of weight with the court. 50:50 orders are very rare, especially where the children are of school age. Where they work, research seems to suggest it is where the parents work together to make it a success.

We still reside in the FMH while everything is going through the courts. I have them every othr weekend and have been trying to take care of them on Tuesdays and Thursdays so the children get equal access to both parents (I can do this as I work from home). Prior to this I have just been cut out, the ex would pick them up from school and not return til late. This has been a battle as she is doing everything she can to counter.
The ex has always refused to work and uses the Children as her reasoning, although I have worked at home for years and we also have my parents in the annex, so her ability to work has always been good.
If we can get 50:50 then both can work. Why is this type of arrangement frowned upon?

how old are the children?
who has done the majority of caring prior to separation? who does the school runs, homework, attends school events, playgroups, play dates, does the beaver/brownie/swimming runs, takes them to the doctors etc.?

I'm not sure 50/50 is frowned upon as such, but it would be unusual to find a family set up where children have been cared for down the middle, as it were. Usually, one parent has gone part time or changed their working pattern to be around for the children. If your wife hasn't worked, then presumably she's done the bulk of the caring?

How is your wife expecting to manage financially post-divorce? did she work prior to marriage?

The biggest obstacle to shared care 50:50 after separation is the absence of shared care 50:50 before separation. When making a residence or contact order the court must give regard to the Welfare Checklist, including the background and effects on change is likely to have on the children. That means it is an uphill struggle changing the established arrangement.

Currently it is estimated only 3% of separated parents share care 50:50 (or thereabouts) in the UK . For that level of shared care to work it is thought a considerable amount of cooperation between parents is required so the courts make very few orders for 50:50 shared residence. Shared residence can be, and often is, in different proportions from 50:50.

My boys ar 10 and 5. I try to do my share of the work, but not easy as ex does eveything she can to obstruct. I take them and pick them up from school on a tuesday and Thursday, but she will always be there as well, even though we don't go there together and I return on my own with the Kids. I will cook them dinner on these days as well, but she will try to cook food early for them to prevent this.
I am kept out of the loop with parents evenings and the such so I onl find out about these things after the event.
Ex has never worked, has always refused to work, still does not work and I doubt she ever will, altough she is claiming different in her court submissions.