Re:Second son chosen to stop seeing his dad

5 and a bit years ago ex walks out for a woman 20 yrs younger, has minimal contact with our two sons. After a year or so our eldest then 16 gets fed up of being fitted in for an evening watching a dvd and having a pizza once a week. Tonight our youngest now almost 16 feels his dad has moved on and is no longer really interested in him - he has a one year old and another child on the way - the pattern of dvd and pizza has continued. Never sees him at the weekend, has a day out let alone a holiday - although he always manages to bring him a bag of fudge or an african trinket - except for the last time when he forgot.
This evening my 15 year old almost 6ft tall son sobbed his heart out at his dads lack of concern for him or warmth towards him. I'm so sad its come to this and have never stood in the way of them continuing a relationship - he would never agree to having them for a weekend or a regular time - always to fit in with his plans. He really has no heart - unfortunately I'm unable to discuss any of this with him, possibly due to guilt on his behalf - I've no idea really and just wanted to get this off my chest. I'm so proud of my boys and just wish he was too.

It is so sad to hear this Daisygreen. As mothers we want everything in the world to be perfect for our children and we support and guide them and try to protect them from hurt. It is just a shame that in some cases their fathers can't seem to be the same, and it is them that cause the hurt and pain. You have clearly done a good job with your sons and they have worked to maintain a relationship with their father even when they got little back. However, you have also raised them with self respect and self preservation and they are now using this to protect themselves from further hurt. All you can do is to comfort the sobbing child, whatever age, and carry on building them up into the kind of men who will never act in the same way to any human being.

My girls are in the same position and have chosen to cut all ties with their father who continues to try and manipulate them with alternating professions of undying love, and abuse. They all are wobbling at the final hurdle of blocking him from their e mail addresses as it seems like the final cut, but until they have the strength to do so, as I have, they will still be hurt, but it has to be done on their terms when they are ready.

It may be that at some point in the future that your boys will be able to rekindle a relationship with their father if they chose to, but on a different level. If not, be assured that there is nothing you could have done to make things turn out any differently, you can only be there for them as you always are.

hazelhorse, with respect I wish you had put some parents instead of quoting mothers and fathers, there are thousands of us, fathers, who, wish the best for our kids, but their mothers fail to see the importance of a relationship with their father.

I genral terms it should be descibed as, parents.

There are good and bad on both sides and all situations are different.

Daisy the best you can do, is support your kids and I know, its hard to see them upset, but, this is part of growing up, they will make their own desicions on what they want to do, your eldest has.
Your sons are turning into young men, if their father is short sighted enough to not want to be part of their lives, then that is his downfall.
Your sons will make their own minds up what they want and how to handle their present and future relationship with their father, it will be them that voices their opinion when he says, 'I dont see you much anymore'.
Other than that, for now, be satisfied that you are doing your best.

Hazelhorse - I know of Mothers who definitely do not do the best thing for their children and do not protect them from hurt ........

Daisygreen - Hugs - At 15 is your son confident enough to say the things he said to you to his Dad? IMO the one thing that breaks relationships of all kinds is lack of communication, isn't that why some of us are here on this divorce site? Speaking from a Devils Advocate point of view ...... Dad may think things are tickety-boo unless something is said.

Hope it all works out for you all

WR x

Didn't mean to cause offence but in my limited experience of divorcing parents it has always been that way round. Certainly in my case very much so and also in Daisygreens case. I am sure that there are many men out there who do a fantastic job with their children, but in writing posts I think that using 'carer' and 'absent parent' weakens the feeling intended in the post. Please feel free to reverse the he's and she's as appropriate to you. LOL.

I am lucky that my new partner is certainly the kind of man who sticks by his children and takes their wishes into account. He is demonstrating this with my girls too, but then we are not in the midst of a horrific divorce.

As I point out to my stbx on a regular basis divorce is not about protecting his feelings or my feelings it is about protecting and supporting our children first, last and throughout, sadly he takes the view that his feelings come first, second, third and totally as well.

Hazelhorse - completely understand, but the people on this site are here because they need help - something is going wrong ....

I very rarely see posts from members saying " We're splitting up, both of us are agreed on how to split financially and on contact with our children"

We need to be careful not to tar all NRPs, PWCs, husbands and wives with the same brush.

In my own experience - my bf's ex uses the children as weapons, but I must not and should not judge other PWCs the same - its not fair.

Some NRPs are terrible messing around contact and refusing to contribute financially (when they are able to) - again - in my experience my bf (NRP) pays twice the CSA amount to support his children.

Every circumstance is different

WR

Daisygreen you have my sympathy and hugs! Reading peoples replies to your post made me so sad, as my ex is doing exactly the same.

Hazelhorse wrote "As I point out to my stbx on a regular basis divorce is not about protecting his feelings or my feelings it is about protecting and supporting our children first, last and throughout, sadly he takes the view that his feelings come first, second, third and totally as well."

I have to agree with you on this one, I have repeatedly tried to get this across to my stbx but fear I am talking to myself.

As a result my son who is 12 now wants nothing to do with his dad, depite my efforts to keep their relationship good. Stbx's partner and her son come first.

Never in a million years thought my ex would turn his back on his own son.

Just keep supporting your kids, be there for them, listen to them and I hope you are all ok.

xxx