Ex refuses to communicate

Hi

My daughter is 10, lives with me and I've been divorced for 3 years. My ex has recently refused to coverse with me at all due to a recent argument where he was 100% in the wrong (to the point where I could have had the police involved) and I defended my daughter by telling him so. He didnt like this and tried to turn it around (as he does).
He then bought my daughter a mobile phone and communicates with me through her i.e if he's running late he'll text her to advise or ask her about pick ups etc which she then has to ask me about to give him answers. Until this recent argument we had been communicating with one word answers but there were no issues and I just feel that thrusting a 10 year old into the middle of everything is unfair on her. I've been told that any communication from me will be ignored but I will not pass messages through my daughter and with Christmas coming up there are things I need to organise with him!

Now I'd happily never see or hear from him ever again but I still dont agree with this. I know there is probably nothing I can do about it but just wondered what other's opinions might be.

Thanks

Do your best - that's all you can do. If he is not willing to be involved with decisions make them without him.

I'd always recommend trying to communicate even if it's forced. People do it because they know the other person is around.

My ex stopped talking to me before she died. I never got to say goodbye.. And every day I want to talk to her and the kids but I can't .

Point being as much as you may or may not hate each other do your best to work it out so that your child does not suffer. Because when they are gone they are gone. For better or for worse.

I recognise you as being the person who IS willing AND trying.. Please don't think I didn't

Good contact for children relies on separated parents working together or at least not against each other. To achieve that sometimes it is necessary for parents to establish a regular pattern of contact, disengage from each other, keep communication to a minimum and allow each other to parent to the best of their ability in "their" time. See parallel parenting;

http://www.parentingafterdivorce.com/articles/parenting.html< /a>

My suggestion would be to organise some meditation with a view to agreeing a parenting plan so everyone knows where they stand.

Italie, you have my sympathy your ex sounds just like my stbx!! We had no problems communicating till OW stuck her beak in. I was told by her I had to go through her if I wanted to sort out anything for my son with his dad, obviously I told her where to get off!! Now I am expected to communicate through our 12 year old son, who is fed up of it all and still struggling with separation. I have recently said no more, I will not use a child as a messenger, we are the adults not our son and I will not have him upset anymore. Like you, Xmas is looming and I want to make arrangements, but until ex grows up it's going to be very difficult!! Good Luck!

Italie,

I can totally empathise with your current situation.

My STBX refuses to communicate with me, as he has no regard for me as primary carer. He thinks that by dealing directly with the kids, he need not involve me. The children have got so fed up with his behaviour that they no longer want any communication with him whatsoever.

I totally understand what Fiona is recommending, but unfortunately text book scenarios don't always work with every situation.

I think with my STBX it is all about the guilt that he carries, maybe who knows?

Anyway, I understand your frustrations. Try and take Fiona's advice if you can or involve mediation. You don't want to end up where I am and every ounce of communication ends up costing a fortune as it has to be done through the Solicitor's. The problem I have is if I did not have a voice via my solicitor, my STBX would be bullying me like he has always done.

There was once a similar thread and a more experienced Wiki (sorry forgot who) said:

Always communicate, communicate, communicate!

Take care for now & best of luck. FoS x

My ex is just the same and i have said that if he will not communicate with me about access then there is none.

I have tried everything with him from txting him to writing to the solicitor we had in ancillary relief to even writing to his parents for help all ignored.

Ex has decided to cut the kids out of his life now as he says he can't liase with me! He has blocked their numbers and wont answer txtx.

Pathetic disgusting man but he will be the looser as kids realise what he is like

I so sympathise with you as it makes me mad and causes arguments all round

Same situation here. I have no interest in my ex's life but things like our daughter's development at nursery, where she's going to go to school and anytime she's ill would be nice to know. My ex refuses to speak to me, she will not accept email contact and will not respond to any attempts of communication through mediation. Instead she uses our 4 year old daughter to relay messages. It is sad and unfair but unfortunately you cannot demand people to act like grown-ups.

Of course, if it's practical matters like handovers and contact arrangements you can try putting some pressure by saying you'll have to go to court to get it sorted unless you can discuss things. The thought of having to go to court over something like that normally doesn't appeal to anybody and it may help.